The Return of the Goddess (To Me)

This video is called "Clementine Cannibal Talks About Being a Witch." A link to another one of her videos which is about the return of the Goddess is below.

The beginning of the following text is an email I wrote to Clementine about identifying as a witch. I know this post is a lot of Clementine Cannibal, but I'm still working to find my own voice as a witch, to figure out if I even am a witch by the perimeters I outline below, so I'll be using other people's words a lot until I'm better able to articulate this on my own.

I was raised, and to some extent still identify as, Catholic. But I have dabbled in Wicca [a form of witchcraft]. But it’s interesting, because the Catholic Mother Mary, to me, is a big manifestation of the Goddess. It’s no secret that the early Catholic church "recruited" the visage of Mother Mary to get pagan converts. But in my spiritual journey, Goddesses from other belief systems, like the Greek Hekate, the Hindu Kali, and the Buddhist Quan Yin have come to me. While I admit it’s a form of cultural appropriation, these faces of the Goddess have taught me things.

Also:
I believe that the Goddess has returned, because I've been waking up. I quit smoking cigarettes over 3 months ago, I made a firm decision to stop ruminating over the past, and I've stopped shaving my armpits without worrying that it's a contradiction that I still shave my legs and pluck my eyebrows. (My husband loves the pit hair!) For more about the return of the Goddess, please see Clementine's video The Return of the Goddess or Demetra George's book Mysteries of the Dark Moon: The Healing Power of the Dark Goddess.

I think the main reason I haven't been identifying as a witch is that I'm not into ritual magic. The best rituals I've ever done were more like exercises in art therapy, wherein the artistic process transforms psychologically and spiritually, than they were casting spells. Sometimes I think taking a walk on a balmy summer night is magical enough! (Note: partially since I am now identifying as a witch and not Wiccan, I don't think I need to perform formal ritual magic to be a witch.) Some other ways I am a witch are that I really connect with the world and nature on a spiritual level through my art, I feel a really strong connection to the cycles of the moon embodying the cycle of life, death, and rebirth (as we also see in the seasons, and in contradiction to the predominant thinking of time as linear instead of cyclical) and as far as Christianity goes I feel a very strong connection to Mother Mary as a face of the Goddess.

The Armpit Diaries

When I first stopped shaving my armpits, I kept a diary. I didn't write in it for very long because, happily, I got braver and starting writing about it here and on facebook. In fact, last night I started a club on fb called "I <3 Grrrls With Hairy Pits" and it was thriving within two hours! So, anyway, here are The Armpit Diaries.

 

Day 1

I'd been toying with the idea of not shaving my armpits for at least six days. I first remember the idea when I noticed my spinning instructor last Tues. shaved her armpits. I noticed that she shaved them. I want to regain some of the "stick-it-to-the-man"--ness I had when I was younger. Maybe it is all just a midlife crisis. But at least stopping shaving my armpits is a unique way of dealing with my midlife crisis, right? Anyway, since I'd already been thinking about it, reading Clementine Cannibal's words made me realize I had to take action and stop being afraid of what people think in at least this area of my life. Tommy (my husband) doesn't care. (Note: as of posting this, he loves my fuzz!)

 

Day 3

I think hairy armpits look more natural and therefore better than shaved ones. For some reason exposed armpit hair on guys really bothers me though. Maybe it's because their flaunting their male privilege whereas a woman flaunting hairy pits is being subversive.

 

WHAT HAIRY ARMPITS MEAN

standing up for what I believe in. Standing up for what's right. Doing what I have to do. Putting myself first. Not thinking in "binary code" (ie, if I shave my armpits but still pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs, I can be free to be contradictory in other things.) Standing up for myself. Taking care of myself. Eating right. Exercising. Not worrying about what other people think of me. Not worry about whether something I want to do or how I accomplish something "makes sense." Rejecting that because I am a married woman in my thirties, that means I have to act or be a certain way. Not defining "sex" as vaginal intercourse. Rejecting the idea that if I teach myself to do something a certain way and it's different than how other people do it, I'm "doing it wrong." embracing the dark cunt. embracing the dark faerie fissure in the woods. embracing the dark swarthy sweaty hairy armpit. embracing that life is messy. embracing that people die for no reason and there's nothing you can do to stop it and pictures fall down off from the shelf for no reason and the glass shatters everywhere and this can happen twice in one week but through all that not getting lost in the tangled woods and keeping track of the light, even if it is from a waning moon

speaking of Self-love...

When I was 15 years old and going through adolescent hell, Courtney Love and her then most recent album, "Live Through This," were my shining stars and helped me, well, live through it. They still do. But now I've been going through midlife crisis hell... it seems, happily, to be reaching its end. At the height of my midlife crisis, I pined for the '90s. I got into things from the '90s that I didn't give a toss about in the actual '90s; like Pearl Jam... although I do like a lot of their music, and I love Eddie Vedder's solo stuff. Anyway.

Live Through This: "When you're going through Hell, keep going" --Winston Churchill

"If you live through this with me, I swear that I will die for you" --Hole, from "Asking For It" off of "Live Through This"

So, Clementine Cannibal's most recent post includes this link to things to do when you're feeling bummed. One of them is to scream along, or just listen to, an angry song. "Violet" by Hole is one of my songs of choice (I also like early Tori Amos and most anything by Diamanda Galas or The Kills.

But another important aspect of self-love that I'm trying to get better at is trusting myself. For awhile I was "confessing all my sins" or getting advice on every stupid thing I'd said or every mistake I'd made, but if I feel the need to remedy a mistake I've made or patch up something stupid I've said (which the person I've said it to probably doesn't remember anyway) It's best and easiest and do it my own way.

(Please see the post called "the self-love project" where I began this discussion of self-love.)