Steps I'm Taking in My New Shoes

 

I haven’t written in a while, I know, but I just got inspired in the shower. Of course, Tommy was cheerleading me through the shower. But that’s beside the point.

What inspired me to write is my new shoes. I’m really proud of them because I drove to the store and went shopping for them all by myself. Usually, Tommy helps me with these kinds of adventures. Not this time.

Unlike most women, I am not a big shoe person. I had to get them because I have plantar fasciitis. It’s a minor injury in the sole of my foot that causes severe heel pain. I drove to the appointment to see the podiatrist about this. Again, all by myself.

All I have to do to get rid of the plantar fasciitis is complete some daily exercises, ice the foot, rest, and not walk around barefoot (hence the new shoes with solid support–Birkenstock sandals). So, I’m very grateful not to be facing another surgery. The latest condition still stinks, though. What it boils down to is one more thing to worry about. It’s a pain. The aspect of my life that’s taking the biggest hit from the new challenge is dieting. I’ve done so much to try to lose weight—the Wegovy pill made me sick, and I even lowered the dosage of my antipsychotic, which was kind of a disaster even though I did it under the guidance of my psychiatrist. I’m sick of trying for weight loss and it not working. I haven’t stopped trying, though. I am on a weight loss pill called Metformin, but the main way it seems to be working is to send me to the bathroom a lot. I guess I’ll deal with it.

I really wanted this post to focus on feeling proud of myself, not complaining! And, I must say, even though I still have severe driving anxiety, I haven’t let it stop me from going where I need to go. I’m proud of that. And, honestly, I’m proud of writing this post. I know I’m not making money anymore when I write, but I’m still proud of myself when I create. We live in dark times, and, as Tori Amos says, we must “out-create.”

Having a lot going on has made me neglect creating. But, 10 years ago, when my brother asked me what my top priorities were, without hesitation, I answered, “My marriage and my health.” I’ve been taking care of my health, and Tommy and I celebrate our 18^th wedding anniversary in September. Last night I was plagued by thinking I’m a failure, but today I think I have a lot to be proud of.

Pink and Green

 

Pink and green are the colors of my smoke-free journey. Pink for pink lungs. Green because I quit on March 11, 2012—in spring, early, early spring, when everyone is craving green, craving spring. Also, green is my favorite color, although blue is at its heels.

As of this writing, I am 14 years smoke-free. Next year, I will have been off the cancer sticks for the number of years I was alive before I started smoking--I started when I was only 15 in 1994! My influences for starting included Susanna Kaysen’s memoir Girl, Interrupted, Franny Glass in J.D. Salinger’s book Franny and Zooey, and 1990s grunge icon Courtney Love. Today, I realize Girl, Interrupted and Franny and Zooey took place in the ‘60’s and ‘50s, when everyone smoked, and it didn’t make you a “bad girl” to do so. And Courtney Love isn’t someone you really want to emulate (even though I still love her music).

After I became addicted, I didn’t like being “hooked on something,” as my Uncle Bud (who was also schizoaffective and a smoker) liked to put it. But there I was. And it was so stupid, because the way I got hooked was to “practice” smoking so I wouldn’t “look like an idiot” when I bummed smokes off my friends. I mean, isn’t that the dumbest reason you’ve ever heard to do something?

So, within months of starting smoking, it became my dream to quit. A few years later, a friend told me I’d been “trying to quit” ever since he had known me. I tried quitting as a New Year's resolution. I tried quitting for Lent. I quit for six months and then started again. But it didn’t stick until I was in my 30s and married, and had a really bad cold. Not being able to breathe made me determined to quit smoking. I had a good reason: I really like breathing. When I told my doctor, who was treating my cold, he proclaimed, “This cold is a miracle from heaven!” My dream had come true–until a few months later, when I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked a few. By then, I was very put off by the price. I gave the pack to my smoker husband, Tom, and haven’t smoked since then. I still count my quit date as March 11 and act like the slip-up never happened.

Since I quit smoking, Tom has been buying me Pandora charms for each anniversary of quitting. I pick them out because he has no faith in his ability to buy me gifts. This year, we got two charms that feature pink Japanese cherry blossoms. (There’s a lot of green on my bracelet, too.) But, last fall, when I was again getting serious about losing weight, I was very tempted to smoke instead of eating. So that’s when Tom and I got the cherry charm. I wanted the cherries because they remind me of picking cherries in Door County, Wisconsin, a very curative place for me. Being out in nature really soothes me. Maybe that’s why my favorite color is green.

My 600-lb Life

 

I’ve held off writing again about the weight gain caused by my antipsychotic because it’s such a personal topic. I know I’ve written about it in the past, and God knows I really do bare my darkest demons in this blog. But it’s also true that I’m starting to become more private about what I share with the world. Just so you know, I have tried different antipsychotics, but the one I’m on is the best fit for my mental health and the most likely to cause weight gain. I’m done with sacrificing my mental health for a lower number on the scale.

So, for about the past month, I’ve been taking the new pill version of one of the “designer drug” weight loss injectibles,Wegovy. In the past, when I tried this and another actual injectible, they made me very sick. But I haven’t gotten sick taking the pill, though I slowly raised the dosage to ensure tolerance to the medication. Now I’m heading toward an effective dose that my body will tolerate.

Except, since this is a designer drug, it’s in very high demand, and my pharmacy ran out of stock just when I needed a refill. I think this will most likely be a recurring problem. Also, I take a medication for my thyroid first thing in the morning that, like the weight loss pill, needs to be taken on an empty stomach. So, I have to take the thyroid medication an hour before I take the Wegovy and then wait another half hour after that to take the rest of my medication, including my psychiatric medication. I can’t eat or drink anything before my medication regimen. It’s a pain in the ass!

I really hate being on weight-loss medication, but I keep gaining weight with little or no changes in what I eat.  It’s probably a result of getting older. I don’t mind being fat, it’s just that no matter how much I watch what I eat, I’m still gaining weight! Anyway, I’m so fat that even if I lose the maximum amount of weight I can lose on this medication, I’ll still be fat. That’s okay. I just don’t want to end up on My 600-lb Life. Okay, I admit, I also don’t want to keep getting my wedding ring resized.

I guess all that’s left to say is that hopefully I’ll start the higher dosage of the weight loss pill soon, and hopefully I’ll actually lose some fucking weight. I’ll keep you posted.