You can't go outside today
because of the smoke-filled sky
I'm dying in the smoke
I'm dying in the summertime
I will give myself to the stink of rotten fruit
My eyes will go out like grapes gone bad
The filthy air will slink down your throats--my throat--
and into our nostrils
giving us
cancer
(Do you wonder what I cost you?)
Music is very important to me. Playing music in the darkroom--one with chemistry, an enlarger and photo paper--as a teen used to be a big part of what made the whole experience so meditative. It remains part of my activities today, from writing this blog to soaking up a scenic spot. As well as the usual suspects like “sad girl” band Mazzy Star, grunge queen Courtney Love’s band Hole, and—you guessed it—Tori Amos, I would also play Bob Dylan and Crosby, Stills, and Nash, who I don’t listen to very much anymore.
Recently, however, my taste in music has taken a new turn. My sister, Laura, got me into Christian music. It’s all she listens to. What happened is that she posted the video to Katy Nichole’s song “Healing Now” on Facebook. Nichole—and Christian music—had me with her line “I thank God/for His love and for the therapy/I thank God there’s pills for my anxiety…” I love this because a lot of people think of Christians as opposing psychiatry and psychiatric medications. But the fact is that we’re not all like that. And Katy Nichole is proving it to the world. (By the way, people who oppose psychiatry come from just about every religious affiliation and political persuasion in the world.)
I could write a whole article about the aspects of Christianity that I like and oppose, but this isn’t that article. Listening to Christian music makes me feel really connected to Jesus. I’ve started praying a lot since I began listening to Christian music, and it really buoys my spirits. This is the part where you say, “Oh, so you’re saying praying works better than antidepressants?” Not at all—the two are not mutually exclusive! It’s like this: no one claims falling in love treats depression the way medication does, but being in love does (hopefully) make you happier and supports other measures to combat depression.
Here’s something to tick off hardcore Christians, though. I was just talking with my Spiritual Director about how listening to Christian music is a more spiritual experience for me than going to church! As always, her response offered non-judgmental caring and compassion.
To get back to Katy Nichole, who is now firmly established as one of my favorite artists, she is quite the mental health activist, with her music, her reels, and more. I really admire her for speaking up for the mental health community the way she does—and I appreciate how her art brings me close to Jesus.
While Laura listens exclusively to Christian music, I don’t. Yes, rest assured I still listen to Tori Amos! My Spiritual Director suggested that maybe Jesus is waiting for me in other music, too. After all, I wrote this article while listening to the ‘90’s alternative band the Sundays, which had nothing to do with Christian pop!
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Shadows (My Optical Obsession)
Cottagecore Part Two
Edge of the Light
All-American Highway
I haven’t written in a while, I know, but I just got inspired in the shower. Of course, Tommy was cheerleading me through the shower. But that’s beside the point.
What inspired me to write is my new shoes. I’m really proud of them because I drove to the store and went shopping for them all by myself. Usually, Tommy helps me with these kinds of adventures. Not this time.
Unlike most women, I am not a big shoe person. I had to get them because I have plantar fasciitis. It’s a minor injury in the sole of my foot that causes severe heel pain. I drove to the appointment to see the podiatrist about this. Again, all by myself.
All I have to do to get rid of the plantar fasciitis is complete some daily exercises, ice the foot, rest, and not walk around barefoot (hence the new shoes with solid support–Birkenstock sandals). So, I’m very grateful not to be facing another surgery. The latest condition still stinks, though. What it boils down to is one more thing to worry about. It’s a pain. The aspect of my life that’s taking the biggest hit from the new challenge is dieting. I’ve done so much to try to lose weight—the Wegovy pill made me sick, and I even lowered the dosage of my antipsychotic, which was kind of a disaster even though I did it under the guidance of my psychiatrist. I’m sick of trying for weight loss and it not working. I haven’t stopped trying, though. I am on a weight loss pill called Metformin, but the main way it seems to be working is to send me to the bathroom a lot. I guess I’ll deal with it.
I really wanted this post to focus on feeling proud of myself, not complaining! And, I must say, even though I still have severe driving anxiety, I haven’t let it stop me from going where I need to go. I’m proud of that. And, honestly, I’m proud of writing this post. I know I’m not making money anymore when I write, but I’m still proud of myself when I create. We live in dark times, and, as Tori Amos says, we must “out-create.”
Having a lot going on has made me neglect creating. But, 10 years ago, when my brother asked me what my top priorities were, without hesitation, I answered, “My marriage and my health.” I’ve been taking care of my health, and Tommy and I celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary in September. Last night I was plagued by thinking I’m a failure, but today I think I have a lot to be proud of.
