I get these really bad. Hardcore. The technical term is Seasonal Affective Disorder
(SAD).
To break it down, basically, there is less
sunlight in the winter months. Exposure to sunlight gives you Vitamin D,
which makes you happy. On top of having SAD, I also have a Vitamin D
deficiency, and I'm supposed to take vitamin D tablets but I don't
because I'm on so many other pills as it is, it's a pain in the ass to also have to take those, which I know isn't a good
reason. But what I do that's good is I sit by a light therapy lamp for 5
minutes in the morning, and I do breathing exercises for my anxiety
while I do this. My brother got me a Brian Eno CD for Christmas to play during this
ritual, but I haven't heard it yet because I don't do it every morning.
Also, I
live in Chicago, where it's perpetually gray from December through March.
I mean, there must be SOME sunlight because during the day you can see
shit in a way that you can't at night, but it's a pretty pathetic excuse
for daylight.
I usually don't really use the light
therapy lamp until winter because a GOOD thing about Chicago is that in
autumn the light is beautiful, so even though the days are starting to
get shorter if I get up before 5 pm (which I often don't) I can get my
sunlight from taking a walk in the sunshine.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Things I accomplished this year
-- first and foremost, I QUIT SMOKING!!!! YAY!!!
Wow. That's so major I don't think I even need to list anything else.
Pictures 1, 2, and 3: Have you met my parents' cat George?
Picture 4: Picture of pictures I took of my Grandpa when I was in high school... before my art got corrupted by art school, ha ha. My Grandpa was a REAL working class hero... (no offense to John Lennon, but he was raised middle class and he was a millionaire when he wrote that song). When I was little I asked my grandpa what causes war and he took a $5 bill out of his pocket and said, "This. This is what causes war." Nuff said. By the way, he was a pacifist before it was trendy... decades and decades before it was trendy.
Picture 5: Me doing what I do~~~~~
I have some pretty badass pics of myself but I get a kick out of using the framed poster of the Starship Enterprise as my profile pic. Just so no one's confused about whether or not I'm a dork. (And I was calling myself a dork before the whole "adorkable" thing, thank you very much, Zooey Deschanel...)
Wow. That's so major I don't think I even need to list anything else.
Picture 4: Picture of pictures I took of my Grandpa when I was in high school... before my art got corrupted by art school, ha ha. My Grandpa was a REAL working class hero... (no offense to John Lennon, but he was raised middle class and he was a millionaire when he wrote that song). When I was little I asked my grandpa what causes war and he took a $5 bill out of his pocket and said, "This. This is what causes war." Nuff said. By the way, he was a pacifist before it was trendy... decades and decades before it was trendy.
Picture 5: Me doing what I do~~~~~
I have some pretty badass pics of myself but I get a kick out of using the framed poster of the Starship Enterprise as my profile pic. Just so no one's confused about whether or not I'm a dork. (And I was calling myself a dork before the whole "adorkable" thing, thank you very much, Zooey Deschanel...)
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I'm back on facebook
Here's my latest status update:
Heard about the shooting in Oregon... just wanted to make sure all my Oregon friends are OK... of course in the media coverage, they're throwing around the term "mental illness" as though having a mental illness automatically makes you a killer... fact: much more people with mental illness are the VICTIMS of violent crimes than the perpetrators... I have schizo-affective disorder and I'm pretty much a pacifist
Heard about the shooting in Oregon... just wanted to make sure all my Oregon friends are OK... of course in the media coverage, they're throwing around the term "mental illness" as though having a mental illness automatically makes you a killer... fact: much more people with mental illness are the VICTIMS of violent crimes than the perpetrators... I have schizo-affective disorder and I'm pretty much a pacifist
Forever Young and Silent
My life is not mine
I belong to fragments of a smashed mirror
I belong to a million broken images of myself watching me
seven years of bad luck
seven bad years of constant surveillance
I spy on myself
I won't let myself be
I don't hate myself because that would be too easy
I have an obsession with self-help and self-improvement
and restoring the parts of myself that died with my friends
One friend had killed himself while our kitchen was being redone
After I got the phone call, I told my family what had happened over microwave-cooked cheese omelettes
after the wake, after the funeral, after the burial, after I'd read the suicide note, after the kitchen was done, after winter turned into spring and then summer, I'd sit in that kitchen at 3 in the morning watching Cold Case Files
lovely young brunette women disappearing on warm summer nights in the early 1980s or late 1970s in California
their bodies found half naked on the side of the road
I was too hyped up on Abilify to eat
I weighed 100 lbs
That summer
the summer of Cold Case Files
is sticky in my memory
sticky, ephemeral and hot
like a mirage on new black pavement on the highway
I want to fix myself
I want so, so much to be
right, and correct, and beautiful, and true
and to have nothing wrong with me
I want to have that without taking pills
but if I don't take my pills, I might end up like my friend
beautiful, but disappearing into the warm, sticky summer night recesses of my darkest thoughts
and being forever frozen in time, that turns into the past, as a frozen gray memory, a faded photograph
forever young
and silent
I belong to fragments of a smashed mirror
I belong to a million broken images of myself watching me
seven years of bad luck
seven bad years of constant surveillance
I spy on myself
I won't let myself be
I don't hate myself because that would be too easy
I have an obsession with self-help and self-improvement
and restoring the parts of myself that died with my friends
One friend had killed himself while our kitchen was being redone
After I got the phone call, I told my family what had happened over microwave-cooked cheese omelettes
after the wake, after the funeral, after the burial, after I'd read the suicide note, after the kitchen was done, after winter turned into spring and then summer, I'd sit in that kitchen at 3 in the morning watching Cold Case Files
lovely young brunette women disappearing on warm summer nights in the early 1980s or late 1970s in California
their bodies found half naked on the side of the road
I was too hyped up on Abilify to eat
I weighed 100 lbs
That summer
the summer of Cold Case Files
is sticky in my memory
sticky, ephemeral and hot
like a mirage on new black pavement on the highway
I want to fix myself
I want so, so much to be
right, and correct, and beautiful, and true
and to have nothing wrong with me
I want to have that without taking pills
but if I don't take my pills, I might end up like my friend
beautiful, but disappearing into the warm, sticky summer night recesses of my darkest thoughts
and being forever frozen in time, that turns into the past, as a frozen gray memory, a faded photograph
forever young
and silent
Friday, December 7, 2012
soundtrack to the movie of my life
note: these are in no particular order
Schizophrenia-- Sonic Youth
Spark-- Tori Amos
Isobel-- Bjork
Pennyroyal Tea-- Nirvana
Keep On Livin'-- Le Tigre
Little Wonder-- David Bowie
Birdhouse In Your Soul-- They Might Be Giants
And She Was-- Talking Heads
Crush With Eyeliner-- REM
Tomorrow, Wendy-- Concrete Blonde
In God's Country-- U2
World Falls-- Indigo Girls
Buildings and Bridges-- Ani Difranco
Whatever Remains-- Rose Polenzani
Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman
Paint It, Black-- Rolling Stones
Possession-- Sarah McLachlan
Driving-- PJ Harvey
Imagine-- John Lennon
Over the Rainbow-- Judy Garland
Wayfaring Stranger-- Johnny Cash
Hurt-- Nine Inch Nails
Requiem Mass-- Mozart
Let My People Go-- Diamanda Galas
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
Kids In America-- Kim Wilde
Every Day Is a Winding Road-- Sheryl Crow
Sullen Girl-- Fiona Apple
Joan of Arc-- Leonard Cohen
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs
Stars-- Lisa Germano
Soulus-- Loop Guru
Thru the Eyes of Ruby-- Smashing Pumpkins
These Are Days-- 10,000 Maniacs
Saturday Afternoon (Won't You Try)-- Jefferson Airplane
Pissing In a River-- Patti Smith
At Last-- Etta James
The Swimmer-- Sleater-Kinney
Mr. Gallos-- Cat Power
I Wanna Be Adored-- The Stone Roses
America-- Simon and Garfunkel
Pretty On the Inside/ Clouds-- Hole
Butterfly-- Verve
Last Days of Magic-- The Kills
Jesus-- Velvet Underground
Atom Heart Mother Suite-- Pink Floyd
The Way It Goes-- Gillian Welch
Good Morning, Captain-- Slint
Tomorrow Never Knows-- Beatles
Madonna of the Wasps-- Robyn Hitchcock
Schizophrenia-- Sonic Youth
Spark-- Tori Amos
Isobel-- Bjork
Pennyroyal Tea-- Nirvana
Keep On Livin'-- Le Tigre
Little Wonder-- David Bowie
Birdhouse In Your Soul-- They Might Be Giants
And She Was-- Talking Heads
Crush With Eyeliner-- REM
Tomorrow, Wendy-- Concrete Blonde
In God's Country-- U2
World Falls-- Indigo Girls
Buildings and Bridges-- Ani Difranco
Whatever Remains-- Rose Polenzani
Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman
Paint It, Black-- Rolling Stones
Possession-- Sarah McLachlan
Driving-- PJ Harvey
Imagine-- John Lennon
Over the Rainbow-- Judy Garland
Wayfaring Stranger-- Johnny Cash
Hurt-- Nine Inch Nails
Requiem Mass-- Mozart
Let My People Go-- Diamanda Galas
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
Kids In America-- Kim Wilde
Every Day Is a Winding Road-- Sheryl Crow
Sullen Girl-- Fiona Apple
Joan of Arc-- Leonard Cohen
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs
Stars-- Lisa Germano
Soulus-- Loop Guru
Thru the Eyes of Ruby-- Smashing Pumpkins
These Are Days-- 10,000 Maniacs
Saturday Afternoon (Won't You Try)-- Jefferson Airplane
Pissing In a River-- Patti Smith
At Last-- Etta James
The Swimmer-- Sleater-Kinney
Mr. Gallos-- Cat Power
I Wanna Be Adored-- The Stone Roses
America-- Simon and Garfunkel
Pretty On the Inside/ Clouds-- Hole
Butterfly-- Verve
Last Days of Magic-- The Kills
Jesus-- Velvet Underground
Atom Heart Mother Suite-- Pink Floyd
The Way It Goes-- Gillian Welch
Good Morning, Captain-- Slint
Tomorrow Never Knows-- Beatles
Madonna of the Wasps-- Robyn Hitchcock
Friday, November 30, 2012
on fake male feminism
Ever dated a hipster guy with greasy hair who's in a band and reads Bust and listens to Le Tigre but still mysteriously has the romantic-and-otherwise social skills toward you and women in general of a 15-year-old... but you don't realize it until after you can see through his "sensitive" posturing, and by then it's too late? Then maybe then you can relate to this...
These words may come back to bite me in the a**, but you can respect women without being a feminist. I had this one "feminist" boyfriend who was SOOOO disrespectful. He thought he shouldn't have to walk me to my car at night in his crappy neighborhood because we were feminists. Give me an old-fashioned, chivalrous gentleman who respects women and respects me any day over a pseudo-feminist (who more than likely just calls himself that to get laid) who uses his pseudo-feminism as a cloak for boorish behavior such as expecting women to screw on the first date and not walking them to their car!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Question: Which of today's modern artists do you think John Lennon would appreciate?
Yoko Ono has said in interviews that she really likes Courtney Love/Hole, Bjork, and the B-52s. So I'm sure that would influence John. Also, Sean was a fan of Nirvana back in the day and Julian likes U2. I think John might also like Sonic Youth, the Boredoms, and Radiohead, for being experimental, and perhaps Kathleen Hanna because she publicly pretty much worships Yoko Ono, and maybe John's feminist leanings would appreciate Hanna's being the poster girl for riot grrrl. He might also appreciate Ani Difranco's spitfire, take-no-prisoners feminist lyrics (can you tell yet I'm a child of the '90s?) His avant garde anti-art artsy side may appreciate Lydia Lunch and Diamanda Galas. I would expect him to like punk in general, but it was having its hey-day with the likes of Patti Smith before he died and I haven't heard of him being very impressed. When this question was posed in a magazine to other famous musicians, Sinead O'Connor suggested he'd like the gritty rawness of rap. In terms of more recent music, Cibo Matto (and not just because Sean did an album with them), Pink, and Lady Gaga. that's what instantly comes to mind... I'm gonna go look at what other ppl wrote.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Crumpet
This is my Christmas Elf. His name is Crumpet. I named him after David Sedaris' elf name for himself in the short story "The Santaland Diaries," (in which Sedaris took a job as a Macy's Christmas elf) in his collection "Holidays On Ice." This collection of short stories is a must for anyone jaded, fed up with, or downright disgusted with the joy-as-commodity rat-race of consumerism ("Your moments of joy have the precision of military strategy" --Barbara Kruger) the USA has made of what should be a spiritual time of reflection a la SILENT night. But I think it's safe to say the global culture of the 21st century is not down with quiet reflection, let alone silence. But enough of that.
As you can see, Crumpet is addicted to Green Apple Mentos and he sleeps on a '50's pin-up mousepad. What you can't see is that when you squeeze his belly, he lets out a childlike yet demonic (or demonic in it's childlike-ness?) gleeful laugh that gives the impression that not only is he laughing AT you, not with you, he is overjoyed and delighted at the dark lunacy of not only our American Christmas season, but at the whole farce that is human existence. Indeed, Crumpet the Christmas Elf would be quite at home in a dark, smoky French cafe in the days of yore discussing the side of existentialism that leans towards being nihilistic with the likes of Sartre. Of course, Crumpet's only form of communication is his sinister baby laugh. But I think Sartre-- along with the early Dadaist performance artists of that era-- would get it.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I have senses I've been told don't exist.
grains
of shadow and light
blown up
exploded, blown out of proportion, to make
a face
your face
my face is nothing but a million trillion grains on a negative (remember those?)
coalescing, no, conjuring into being, this weird fleshy mass with weird wet spots and air vents that I call my face
I have been conjured into being
a swirl of grains dancing their primordial, galactic swirl into form, the form of what you foolishly think of as solid: yourself
I am here to tell you that you are not yourself
oh, really, mother, doctor, well-meaning friend, psych ward staff, then who am I?
never mind that. It's trite. Unless you've ever been locked up before. Well, I have, and I still know I don't want to play that card. So why don't I delete it?
I am here to tell you, mother, doctor, well-meaning friend, psych ward staff, that you are not yourselves
your first problem is that you think you end where the space around you begins
you don't realize that the air is TP-ed and cobwebbed with shooting synaptic connections and your very "edges" dissolve into the space around you, like an aroma
I have senses I've been told don't exist. Well, fuck you, what if I told you your sense of smell didn't exist?
What if...
of shadow and light
blown up
exploded, blown out of proportion, to make
a face
your face
my face is nothing but a million trillion grains on a negative (remember those?)
coalescing, no, conjuring into being, this weird fleshy mass with weird wet spots and air vents that I call my face
I have been conjured into being
a swirl of grains dancing their primordial, galactic swirl into form, the form of what you foolishly think of as solid: yourself
I am here to tell you that you are not yourself
oh, really, mother, doctor, well-meaning friend, psych ward staff, then who am I?
never mind that. It's trite. Unless you've ever been locked up before. Well, I have, and I still know I don't want to play that card. So why don't I delete it?
I am here to tell you, mother, doctor, well-meaning friend, psych ward staff, that you are not yourselves
your first problem is that you think you end where the space around you begins
you don't realize that the air is TP-ed and cobwebbed with shooting synaptic connections and your very "edges" dissolve into the space around you, like an aroma
I have senses I've been told don't exist. Well, fuck you, what if I told you your sense of smell didn't exist?
What if...
I like you so much I talk to everyone but you
I was studying at the Rhode Island School of Design while George
Harrison's son Dhani was at Brown. I was friends with a girl at Brown
who lived on Dhani's floor. My friends back in Chicago thought I was
"in."
This situation severely stressed me out. All my good friends assumed I'd arrange a way to meet Dhani Harrison because I'm obsessed with the Beatles, but the obsession was exactly the reason I did not want to go anywhere near him. For one thing, I much preferred to spin my Beatle fantasies without the crude interruption of who they really were. They had always been this faraway, if-only fairyland fantasy folk for me, and-- seemingly at the last minute-- I discovered I did not, under any circumstances, want to get too close to the reality because that would have to mean surrenduring the cherished fantasy. For another thing, honestly, what was I going to say to the kid? How sexy I thought his dad was? (Although Harrison the Younger is pretty sexy in his own right: think Gen X version of his Beatle dad.)
But my Chicago friends will never let me live down the fact that while I was at the Rhode Island School of Design, I did not set designs (no pun intended) on Dhani before I transferred to The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. The part of me that did want to meet him had always thought, "Oh, well, I'm sure we'll meet at some point" because you see my transfer to SAIC was rather abrupt and therefore not even in my five-year-plan a month before I left RISD. While settling back in Chicago after the fact and taking shit from my friends, the part of me that wanted to meet Dhani also thought, "Maybe Dhani will transfer to Northwestern."
Now Dhani is married to an ex-model/psychologist with fantastic legs and I am married to the wonderful, wonderful man I call T on this blog. I did meet Ted Turner's son at RISD, and I was an ass so maybe it's a good thing I didn't meet Dhani anyway.
"I like you so much I talk to everyone but you..." --Ani Difranco
This situation severely stressed me out. All my good friends assumed I'd arrange a way to meet Dhani Harrison because I'm obsessed with the Beatles, but the obsession was exactly the reason I did not want to go anywhere near him. For one thing, I much preferred to spin my Beatle fantasies without the crude interruption of who they really were. They had always been this faraway, if-only fairyland fantasy folk for me, and-- seemingly at the last minute-- I discovered I did not, under any circumstances, want to get too close to the reality because that would have to mean surrenduring the cherished fantasy. For another thing, honestly, what was I going to say to the kid? How sexy I thought his dad was? (Although Harrison the Younger is pretty sexy in his own right: think Gen X version of his Beatle dad.)
But my Chicago friends will never let me live down the fact that while I was at the Rhode Island School of Design, I did not set designs (no pun intended) on Dhani before I transferred to The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. The part of me that did want to meet him had always thought, "Oh, well, I'm sure we'll meet at some point" because you see my transfer to SAIC was rather abrupt and therefore not even in my five-year-plan a month before I left RISD. While settling back in Chicago after the fact and taking shit from my friends, the part of me that wanted to meet Dhani also thought, "Maybe Dhani will transfer to Northwestern."
Now Dhani is married to an ex-model/psychologist with fantastic legs and I am married to the wonderful, wonderful man I call T on this blog. I did meet Ted Turner's son at RISD, and I was an ass so maybe it's a good thing I didn't meet Dhani anyway.
"I like you so much I talk to everyone but you..." --Ani Difranco
Friday, November 9, 2012
ALL THE DRAMA THAT YOU CRAVE: THE FACEBOOK POSTS
About You
one
of the bravest grrrls alive. salinger-esque. former waitress. former
retail whore. schizo-affective. feminist. grrrl. photographer. writer.
ear with feet/ tori-phile. aries. 33. married. secretary. cat lover.
pro-choice. activist. non-breeder. reader. collector of books. raging
insomniac. coffee addict (aren't we all?) occasional indulger in pinot
grigio. non-smoker. I kept my "maiden" name when I married. mentholated
cherry cough drop addict. bad housekeeper who can't cook (I am not
proud.)
blog: http://thelightinnovember.blogspot.com/
REVOLUTION GRRRL STYLE NOW!
"What does not kill us makes us stranger" -- the animated series Aeon Flux
blog: http://thelightinnovember.blogspot.com/
REVOLUTION GRRRL STYLE NOW!
"What does not kill us makes us stranger" -- the animated series Aeon Flux
Basic Info
| Website | |
|---|---|
| Networks |
Columbia College, SAIC
|
Favorite Quotations
"Nothing is ever the same as they said it was. It's what I've never seen before that I recognize." --Diane Arbus
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." --Gloria Steinem
"When you're going through Hell, keep going." --Winston Churchill
"If you don't change direction, you may end up where you are headed" --Lao Tzu
"God doesn't ask us to do great things. He asks us to do small things with great love." --Mother Teresa
"Belief in Mysteries, any manner of Mysteries, is the only lasting luxury in life." --Mrs. Fortune, from "The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
"Sometimes bein' happy, baby, is what I'm most afraid of..." --Bikini Kill
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." --Truman Capote
"Good judgement comes from experience, which comes from bad judgement." --a sign at a restaurant
"Hell hath no fury like the day I was born" --Courtney Love
"... if he ever saw it, it was through these eyes of mine/ and if he ever suffered it was me who did his crying" --Concrete Blonde
"This living, this living, this living/ was never a project of mine..." --Dorothy Parker
"My heart is sick of being in chains" -- Tori Amos
"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" --Tennessee Williams
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." --Gloria Steinem
"When you're going through Hell, keep going." --Winston Churchill
"If you don't change direction, you may end up where you are headed" --Lao Tzu
"God doesn't ask us to do great things. He asks us to do small things with great love." --Mother Teresa
"Belief in Mysteries, any manner of Mysteries, is the only lasting luxury in life." --Mrs. Fortune, from "The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
"Sometimes bein' happy, baby, is what I'm most afraid of..." --Bikini Kill
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." --Truman Capote
"Good judgement comes from experience, which comes from bad judgement." --a sign at a restaurant
"Hell hath no fury like the day I was born" --Courtney Love
"... if he ever saw it, it was through these eyes of mine/ and if he ever suffered it was me who did his crying" --Concrete Blonde
"This living, this living, this living/ was never a project of mine..." --Dorothy Parker
"My heart is sick of being in chains" -- Tori Amos
"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" --Tennessee Williams
liking not being a smoker
on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 4:42pm ·
OK,
so I'm a week shy of having not smoked a cigarette for three months,
but I still have cravings for cigarettes. But this happy new thing is
happening: I REALLY LIKE being a non-smoker. I just like everything
about it: mostly not being "hooked on something," as my Uncle Buddy
would put it. So now, when I want a cigarette, I think about how much I
like being a non-smoker, and then I don't want one. Isn't that great?
Come on, you know you all wanna tell me how great that is! ;)
applicable albums
on Sunday, April 29, 2012 at 12:56pm ·
of my life...
Little Earthquakes-- Tori Amos
Automatic For the People-- REM
of the year...
Amrita... All These and the Japanese Soup Warriors-- Loop Guru
Scarlet's Walk-- Tori Amos
Biophilia-- Bjork
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness-- Smashing Pumpkins
the soundtrack to Yellow Submarine-- The Beatles
of peace...
Year of Meteors-- Laura Veirs
I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One-- Yo La Tengo
Siamese Dream-- Smashing Pumpkins
Among My Swan-- Mazzy Star
Flood-- They Might Be Giants
Homogenic-- Bjork
To Venus and Back-- Tori Amos
Out of Range-- Ani Difranco
White Chalk-- PJ Harvey
The White Album-- The Beatles
Pussy Whipped-- Bikini Kill
of love...
Post-- Bjork
Nine Objects of Desire-- Suzanne Vega
Vespertine-- Bjork
Dear Sir-- Cat Power
Not a Pretty Girl-- Ani Difranco
Geek the Girl-- Lisa Germano
Last Exit-- Traffic
Axis: Bold as Love-- Jimi Hendrix
Ziggy Stardust-- David Bowie
Exile On Main Street-- Rolling Stones
Dig Me Out-- Sleater-Kinney
Jewel-- Cranes
Be OK-- Ingrid Michaelson
Blood Pressures-- The Kills
of chaos...
Let It Bleed-- Rolling Stones
Requiem Mass-- Mozart
Plastic Ono Band-- John Lennon
All Hands On the Bad One-- Sleater-Kinney
The Passion of Joan of Arc-- Voices of Light
Plague Mass-- Diamanda Galas
Loved-- Cranes
of 1994...
So Tonight That I Might See-- Mazzy Star
Live Through This-- Hole
Monster-- REM
Pretty On the Inside-- Hole
Storm in Heaven-- Verve
Surrealistic Pillow-- Jefferson Airplane
Incesticide-- Nirvana
99.9 F Degrees-- Suzanne Vega
of art...
She Hangs Brightly-- Mazzy Star
Atom Heart Mother-- Pink Floyd
Crosby, Stills and Nash-- Crosby Stills and Nash
After Bathing at Baxter's-- Jefferson Airplane
Happiness-- Lisa Germano
Boys For Pele-- Tori Amos
of magical thinking...
Songs of Love and Hate-- Leonard Cohen
From the Choirgirl Hotel-- Tori Amos
Ray of Light-- Madonna
4 Track Demos-- PJ Harvey
Piper At the Gates of Dawn-- Pink Floyd
Strange Little Girls-- Tori Amos
Dry-- PJ Harvey
Revolver-- The Beatles
Saltbreakers-- Laura Veirs
No Wow-- The Kills
Little Earthquakes-- Tori Amos
Automatic For the People-- REM
of the year...
Amrita... All These and the Japanese Soup Warriors-- Loop Guru
Scarlet's Walk-- Tori Amos
Biophilia-- Bjork
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness-- Smashing Pumpkins
the soundtrack to Yellow Submarine-- The Beatles
of peace...
Year of Meteors-- Laura Veirs
I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One-- Yo La Tengo
Siamese Dream-- Smashing Pumpkins
Among My Swan-- Mazzy Star
Flood-- They Might Be Giants
Homogenic-- Bjork
To Venus and Back-- Tori Amos
Out of Range-- Ani Difranco
White Chalk-- PJ Harvey
The White Album-- The Beatles
Pussy Whipped-- Bikini Kill
of love...
Post-- Bjork
Nine Objects of Desire-- Suzanne Vega
Vespertine-- Bjork
Dear Sir-- Cat Power
Not a Pretty Girl-- Ani Difranco
Geek the Girl-- Lisa Germano
Last Exit-- Traffic
Axis: Bold as Love-- Jimi Hendrix
Ziggy Stardust-- David Bowie
Exile On Main Street-- Rolling Stones
Dig Me Out-- Sleater-Kinney
Jewel-- Cranes
Be OK-- Ingrid Michaelson
Blood Pressures-- The Kills
of chaos...
Let It Bleed-- Rolling Stones
Requiem Mass-- Mozart
Plastic Ono Band-- John Lennon
All Hands On the Bad One-- Sleater-Kinney
The Passion of Joan of Arc-- Voices of Light
Plague Mass-- Diamanda Galas
Loved-- Cranes
of 1994...
So Tonight That I Might See-- Mazzy Star
Live Through This-- Hole
Monster-- REM
Pretty On the Inside-- Hole
Storm in Heaven-- Verve
Surrealistic Pillow-- Jefferson Airplane
Incesticide-- Nirvana
99.9 F Degrees-- Suzanne Vega
of art...
She Hangs Brightly-- Mazzy Star
Atom Heart Mother-- Pink Floyd
Crosby, Stills and Nash-- Crosby Stills and Nash
After Bathing at Baxter's-- Jefferson Airplane
Happiness-- Lisa Germano
Boys For Pele-- Tori Amos
of magical thinking...
Songs of Love and Hate-- Leonard Cohen
From the Choirgirl Hotel-- Tori Amos
Ray of Light-- Madonna
4 Track Demos-- PJ Harvey
Piper At the Gates of Dawn-- Pink Floyd
Strange Little Girls-- Tori Amos
Dry-- PJ Harvey
Revolver-- The Beatles
Saltbreakers-- Laura Veirs
No Wow-- The Kills
becoming a feminist
on Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 5:42pm ·
OK,
so I was 7 when in 1986 I started questioning gender roles and
challenging them, but I didn't realized that could be called feminism
until I was 11 and got really into the activism of the late '60s/ early
'70s, and then when I was 12. I (attempted to) read "The Feminine
Mystique." I pretty much considered myself a full-blown feminist by the
end of my freshman year of high school.
--the brevity of this is due to the fact that I originally wanted to put it under "changed beliefs" on my timeline, but "they" didn't "think" "a feminist" was a proper response to the field "became," so I'm posting it here instead
Maybe I considered myself a full-fledged feminist by the end of 8th grade, because the 8th grade yearbook, in the part where they said what we'd be when we grew up, said I'd be a women's rights activist. Also, I remember this really really sad incident when I was 15 and my mom would let my brother walk around alone at night but she wouldn't let me do it, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I was a girl, and I said that was sexist and she said, "That's the way the world is." I knew she was right, and it made me realize for the first time that it wasn't my mom who was sexist or my school that was sexist; I thought to myself, "there will never be true equality until a girl can walk around alone at night without being afraid" and I knew that wouldn't happen for awhile, and, as you can imagine, it really bummed me out... it still bums me out! I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but that's when I realized we live in a rape culture.
--the brevity of this is due to the fact that I originally wanted to put it under "changed beliefs" on my timeline, but "they" didn't "think" "a feminist" was a proper response to the field "became," so I'm posting it here instead
Maybe I considered myself a full-fledged feminist by the end of 8th grade, because the 8th grade yearbook, in the part where they said what we'd be when we grew up, said I'd be a women's rights activist. Also, I remember this really really sad incident when I was 15 and my mom would let my brother walk around alone at night but she wouldn't let me do it, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I was a girl, and I said that was sexist and she said, "That's the way the world is." I knew she was right, and it made me realize for the first time that it wasn't my mom who was sexist or my school that was sexist; I thought to myself, "there will never be true equality until a girl can walk around alone at night without being afraid" and I knew that wouldn't happen for awhile, and, as you can imagine, it really bummed me out... it still bums me out! I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but that's when I realized we live in a rape culture.
more favorite song lyrics
on Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 5:40pm ·
entire lyrics to "Driving" by PJ Harvey, off of "4-Track Demos"
"My little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city moon tonight
my little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city" --The Kills
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need" --Rolling Stones
"If I took you darlin'
into the caverns of my heart
would you light the lamp, dear?
would you light the lamp, dear?
and see fish with no eyes
bats with their heads
hanging down to the ground
would you still come around?
would you still
come around?" --Laura Veirs
"To the passing eye
I've been known to fly
it's a matter of breath
and life
and death
and riding the will of the sky..." --Rose Polenzani
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Help me in my weakness
'cause I've fallen out of grace
Jesus
Jesus
--Velvet Underground
"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it"
--Alanis Morissette
"... he was high on intellectualism
I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice"
--Sheryl Crow
"My little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city moon tonight
my little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city" --The Kills
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need" --Rolling Stones
"If I took you darlin'
into the caverns of my heart
would you light the lamp, dear?
would you light the lamp, dear?
and see fish with no eyes
bats with their heads
hanging down to the ground
would you still come around?
would you still
come around?" --Laura Veirs
"To the passing eye
I've been known to fly
it's a matter of breath
and life
and death
and riding the will of the sky..." --Rose Polenzani
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Help me in my weakness
'cause I've fallen out of grace
Jesus
Jesus
--Velvet Underground
"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it"
--Alanis Morissette
"... he was high on intellectualism
I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice"
--Sheryl Crow
Thursday, November 8, 2012
NO MORE FACEBOOK DRAMA!!!!
I posted the following as my facebook status update yesterday:
I thought my fb friends should know I am seriously considering deleting my facebook account in the next few days. I'm trying to get rid of things in my life that stress me out for no good reason, and fb is one of them. I am not going to respond to any comments or questions regarding this post b/c that's exactly the thing I'm sick of. Just know that you shouldn't be worried about me
I thought my fb friends should know I am seriously considering deleting my facebook account in the next few days. I'm trying to get rid of things in my life that stress me out for no good reason, and fb is one of them. I am not going to respond to any comments or questions regarding this post b/c that's exactly the thing I'm sick of. Just know that you shouldn't be worried about me
because even though this may seem sudden, I've been thinking about it
for a long time and I think it'll be really positive for me and for my
photography (I feel like my attitude toward my art is extremely stifled
by considering posting on fb.) I am not personally angry or annoyed at
anyone or anyone's comments/questions in particular, I am just sick of
the type of interaction that fb facilitates.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this. to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -- James 1:27
<3
Big and Strong
After reading my last entry, I feel the need to update. Okay, so big changes have been happening with me because of the Reawakening of the Goddess, most notably quitting smoking. But other changes have been happening that I couldn't have imagined. I wrote this on my facebook wall last night: "[T] said, 'You know I think you're beautiful, but YOU have to think you're beautiful.' I've decided to embrace being a full-figured woman. Let's put some of that feminism to work for ME!" Okay, so I have been exercising more and reducing my sugar intake, but I decided that's for my health, most notably so I don't get diabetes, which happens so often on the medications I'm on. It's hard, but if I quit smoking, I can do this. And that keeps me from starting smoking again: I don't want to lose that feeling of, "If I quit smoking, I can do anything." Anyway, the point is, the other night I was crying about being fat and then I did something I've never done. Instead of resolving to join Weight Watchers for the fifth time, I popped in a Margaret Cho DVD ("I'm the One That I Want") and by the end of her act I felt ashamed at my weakness in bowing to the mainstream media's stupid demand that everyone be skinny, and if you're not skinny, it goes without saying that you want to lose weight. I felt weak for not accepting myself for who I am. And I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. BIG and strong! I think I'm finally on the path to self-love. And if a woman loving herself for who she really is isn't a major feminist reawakening, then I don't know what is.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
not thin enough
therefore,
not hip
not cool
no hipster would want me for his girlfriend
hell, no artist would want me for his girlfriend and good luck getting a show when yr fat
fat like me
the people we now call hipsters used to be the art school equivalent of captains of the football team
and they liked skinny punk rock girls
as long as they weren't so punk rock that they had hairy armpits
I hate the snobs
I hate the haters
I hate myself
I want to be anorexic
so that it'll show on the outside
what they're doing to me, day in and day out
although I'm a little fuzzy on who "they" is
I am going against love
my husband loves my big boobs, my big belly, my big ass
my husband loves me, the way I am
but still I don't feel good enough
I don't feel thin enough
it all makes sense now
I'll get all skinny and anorexic, and then I'll collapse on Angelina Jolie's doorstep
but, see, it's not just Angelina Jolie
it's a whole global culture that tells girls and women they HAVE to look like the women in magazines and on TV... or else!!!
Or else what? We won't be able to be in beer commercials?
People on TV have to look good because they're being paid to. If you're not being paid to look good on TV, why bother killing yourself to look like people on TV?
That's what the sane side of me says. And that side usually wins. But somehow, still, I want to show them. Show them what they've done to me. I want to show them all, even though I know, I KNOW, that they won't give a flying fuck...
...and it'll just hurt the people who love me. I don't want to hurt the people who love me to make a point to some paper-plastic faces on the magazine rack. You just don't fuck with love.
And that's why I write. It keeps me from hurting. It's my salvation.
not hip
not cool
no hipster would want me for his girlfriend
hell, no artist would want me for his girlfriend and good luck getting a show when yr fat
fat like me
the people we now call hipsters used to be the art school equivalent of captains of the football team
and they liked skinny punk rock girls
as long as they weren't so punk rock that they had hairy armpits
I hate the snobs
I hate the haters
I hate myself
I want to be anorexic
so that it'll show on the outside
what they're doing to me, day in and day out
although I'm a little fuzzy on who "they" is
I am going against love
my husband loves my big boobs, my big belly, my big ass
my husband loves me, the way I am
but still I don't feel good enough
I don't feel thin enough
it all makes sense now
I'll get all skinny and anorexic, and then I'll collapse on Angelina Jolie's doorstep
but, see, it's not just Angelina Jolie
it's a whole global culture that tells girls and women they HAVE to look like the women in magazines and on TV... or else!!!
Or else what? We won't be able to be in beer commercials?
People on TV have to look good because they're being paid to. If you're not being paid to look good on TV, why bother killing yourself to look like people on TV?
That's what the sane side of me says. And that side usually wins. But somehow, still, I want to show them. Show them what they've done to me. I want to show them all, even though I know, I KNOW, that they won't give a flying fuck...
...and it'll just hurt the people who love me. I don't want to hurt the people who love me to make a point to some paper-plastic faces on the magazine rack. You just don't fuck with love.
And that's why I write. It keeps me from hurting. It's my salvation.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
snippet from faq page
I started shaving my armpits
again about a week ago. The fact that my area has been going through a
series of intense heat waves may have something to do with it. Anyway,
even though, as of now, I am choosing to shave my armpits, I still have
mad respect for women/girls who don't and I think it's really unfair
that's it's okay for guys to be as hairy as gorillas but if a female
doesn't shave her armpits it means she's man-hating and gross. I started
a club on facebook called "I <3 Grrrls With Hairy Pits"... go find
it!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
ghost girl
Sometimes i feel like the ghost of myself, haunting old places that used to have meaning they no longer have. i've been in the same place for so long now that different eras of my life, different selves are layered in a fine mist that builds up into a fog upon this town and glimpses of the past show through the cracks between the trees and houses like bits of old, peeling wallpaper; like falling autumn leaves.
on being a woman of size
I am a woman of size. I'm still not used to being this way. I am this way because of psychiatric medication. I think that's why it bothers me. I'm not "supposed" to be this way, I feel. It's the medication's "fault."
While I acknowledge and am grateful that these medications allow people like me to lead normal lives and to thrive in the world, part of me does feel like it's cruel to give people who already feel bad about themselves medications that cause this much weight gain. But they make medications that don't cause weight gain. On me, those medications don't seem to work as well. I'm even on a separate medication that is supposed to prevent weight gain.
The last paragraph was thinking in terms of "it's bad to be overweight." I think I may be afraid to think "off the grid" in terms of weight (ie, "who says it's bad to be overweight?") because I don't want to let the medication off the hook. This may be somewhat reasonable, but I take the medication for a reason. Maybe it's time to accept myself (my self) as overweight, and stop letting a culture that denigrates people of size off the hook. I'm not doing myself any favors by NOT letting the medication off the hook while continuing to take the medication.
While I acknowledge and am grateful that these medications allow people like me to lead normal lives and to thrive in the world, part of me does feel like it's cruel to give people who already feel bad about themselves medications that cause this much weight gain. But they make medications that don't cause weight gain. On me, those medications don't seem to work as well. I'm even on a separate medication that is supposed to prevent weight gain.
The last paragraph was thinking in terms of "it's bad to be overweight." I think I may be afraid to think "off the grid" in terms of weight (ie, "who says it's bad to be overweight?") because I don't want to let the medication off the hook. This may be somewhat reasonable, but I take the medication for a reason. Maybe it's time to accept myself (my self) as overweight, and stop letting a culture that denigrates people of size off the hook. I'm not doing myself any favors by NOT letting the medication off the hook while continuing to take the medication.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Why I Did Not Participate in Slut Walk
In case you haven't heard about it, Slut Walk is kind of like Take Back the Night. It's a walk against rape, and a walk against the idea that women are responsible for getting raped by dressing like or being "sluts." It started in Toronto and went global. It was mentioned on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit last night (this may have been a re-run) so I wanted to clarify why I, as a feminist, didn't participate in the Chicago Slut Walk.
While I agree with Slut Walk's premise of being anti-rape, anti-victim-blaming, and anti-slut-shaming, I did not wish to affiliate myself with the word "slut." It's my own personal choice. Yes, I'm glad Madonna made it OK for girls to like sex. Yes, I cheer Margaret Cho on in her "slut pride." But for myself, I personally choose not to associate with that word.
Forgive me, but I thought one of the points of feminism was for women to sleep with whomever they wanted WITHOUT being called "sluts." Now, I know feminists are reclaiming the word. And it's nothing new-- feminists Kathleen Hanna and Naomi Wolf were using the "s" word over 20 years ago. But a word on reclaiming insults: only the insulted group is allowed to participate in reclaiming the word. In this way, are the Slut Walkers preaching to the choir, and alienating potential recruits? Hell, I'm on their side, and they alienated me. Another problem with reclaiming words is similar to the problem with liking a bad band or getting an ugly tattoo to be ironic: maybe others in your clique get it, but the bottom line is you're paying money for crappy music and/or have a ridiculously ugly tattoo. I also fear this is going to come back at women the same way free love came back at women: i.e., just another ploy in a man's box of tricks to coerce unwilling women into bed. (My mother tells me stories of men saying to her, "Come on, baby, don't you believe in free love?" What's next? "Come on, baby, aren't you a liberated slut?") And seriously, how do women marching down the street in fishnets and stilettos actually challenge the patriarchy?
If we're going to reclaim words, what about reclaiming the word "prude?" What about, as Robin Morgan wrote about in the introduction to Sisterhood is Powerful in the early 1970s, it being okay for women not to like sex? Or, at least, to only like it with the right person or people? What about not doing exactly what the Christian right is doing, which is centering women's and girls' emancipation and dignity squarely on who they do or do not sleep with? What about not teaching young girls that the way to be most visible as a feminist is to be "slutty?" Do we, as feminists, really want to help encourage the virgin/whore dichotomy in our culture-- which is bad enough as it is-- by being the whores to the religious right's virgins?
I'm as against slut-shaming as the next feminist. But I would rather see women and girls sleep with people they want to sleep with, for desire for those people and not so they can prove to the world that "women can fuck like men do." Also, I appreciate that this is the only kind of feminist consciousness-raising getting any appreciable visibility right now. But I think the fact that "Slut Walk" is the only visible feminism going on shows what deep water feminism is in. And as long as other feminists keep labeling their marches things like "Slut Walk," they can count this feminist out.
While I agree with Slut Walk's premise of being anti-rape, anti-victim-blaming, and anti-slut-shaming, I did not wish to affiliate myself with the word "slut." It's my own personal choice. Yes, I'm glad Madonna made it OK for girls to like sex. Yes, I cheer Margaret Cho on in her "slut pride." But for myself, I personally choose not to associate with that word.
Forgive me, but I thought one of the points of feminism was for women to sleep with whomever they wanted WITHOUT being called "sluts." Now, I know feminists are reclaiming the word. And it's nothing new-- feminists Kathleen Hanna and Naomi Wolf were using the "s" word over 20 years ago. But a word on reclaiming insults: only the insulted group is allowed to participate in reclaiming the word. In this way, are the Slut Walkers preaching to the choir, and alienating potential recruits? Hell, I'm on their side, and they alienated me. Another problem with reclaiming words is similar to the problem with liking a bad band or getting an ugly tattoo to be ironic: maybe others in your clique get it, but the bottom line is you're paying money for crappy music and/or have a ridiculously ugly tattoo. I also fear this is going to come back at women the same way free love came back at women: i.e., just another ploy in a man's box of tricks to coerce unwilling women into bed. (My mother tells me stories of men saying to her, "Come on, baby, don't you believe in free love?" What's next? "Come on, baby, aren't you a liberated slut?") And seriously, how do women marching down the street in fishnets and stilettos actually challenge the patriarchy?
If we're going to reclaim words, what about reclaiming the word "prude?" What about, as Robin Morgan wrote about in the introduction to Sisterhood is Powerful in the early 1970s, it being okay for women not to like sex? Or, at least, to only like it with the right person or people? What about not doing exactly what the Christian right is doing, which is centering women's and girls' emancipation and dignity squarely on who they do or do not sleep with? What about not teaching young girls that the way to be most visible as a feminist is to be "slutty?" Do we, as feminists, really want to help encourage the virgin/whore dichotomy in our culture-- which is bad enough as it is-- by being the whores to the religious right's virgins?
I'm as against slut-shaming as the next feminist. But I would rather see women and girls sleep with people they want to sleep with, for desire for those people and not so they can prove to the world that "women can fuck like men do." Also, I appreciate that this is the only kind of feminist consciousness-raising getting any appreciable visibility right now. But I think the fact that "Slut Walk" is the only visible feminism going on shows what deep water feminism is in. And as long as other feminists keep labeling their marches things like "Slut Walk," they can count this feminist out.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Quiting Smoking Playlist/ Mix CD
Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
Moon-- Bjork
Bouncing Off Clouds-- Tori Amos ("make this easy, make this easy, it's not as heavy as it seems")
Ooh La La-- The Faces ("I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger")
Keep On Livin'-- Le Tigre ("this is your life this is your time and this is your life this is your time...")
Everybody Hurts-- REM ("...don't blow your hand...")
Why-- Annie Lennox
Crystalline-- Bjork
This Island-- Le Tigre ("stop smoking those cigarettes, baby!")
Galaxies-- Laura Veirs
Spark-- Tori Amos ("she's addicted to nicotine patches...")
Rock In This Pocket (Song of David)-- Suzanne Vega
Walking On Broken Glass-- Annie Lennox
Mind Games-- John Lennon (" 'yes' is surrender... you gotta let go")
Hung Up-- Madonna ("I'm hanging up on you")
Crush-- Smashing Pumpkins
Sheikh-- Loop Guru
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs ("don't let yourself be lost")
Moon-- Bjork
Bouncing Off Clouds-- Tori Amos ("make this easy, make this easy, it's not as heavy as it seems")
Ooh La La-- The Faces ("I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger")
Keep On Livin'-- Le Tigre ("this is your life this is your time and this is your life this is your time...")
Everybody Hurts-- REM ("...don't blow your hand...")
Why-- Annie Lennox
Crystalline-- Bjork
This Island-- Le Tigre ("stop smoking those cigarettes, baby!")
Galaxies-- Laura Veirs
Spark-- Tori Amos ("she's addicted to nicotine patches...")
Rock In This Pocket (Song of David)-- Suzanne Vega
Walking On Broken Glass-- Annie Lennox
Mind Games-- John Lennon (" 'yes' is surrender... you gotta let go")
Hung Up-- Madonna ("I'm hanging up on you")
Crush-- Smashing Pumpkins
Sheikh-- Loop Guru
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs ("don't let yourself be lost")
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The Return of the Goddess (To Me)
This video is called "Clementine Cannibal Talks About Being a Witch." A link to another one of her videos which is about the return of the Goddess is below.
The beginning of the following text is an email I wrote to Clementine about identifying as a witch. I know this post is a lot of Clementine Cannibal, but I'm still working to find my own voice as a witch, to figure out if I even am a witch by the perimeters I outline below, so I'll be using other people's words a lot until I'm better able to articulate this on my own.
I was raised, and to some extent still identify as, Catholic. But I have dabbled in Wicca [a form of witchcraft]. But it’s interesting, because the Catholic Mother Mary, to me, is a big manifestation of the Goddess. It’s no secret that the early Catholic church "recruited" the visage of Mother Mary to get pagan converts. But in my spiritual journey, Goddesses from other belief systems, like the Greek Hekate, the Hindu Kali, and the Buddhist Quan Yin have come to me. While I admit it’s a form of cultural appropriation, these faces of the Goddess have taught me things.
Also:
I believe that the Goddess has returned, because I've been waking up. I quit smoking cigarettes over 3 months ago, I made a firm decision to stop ruminating over the past, and I've stopped shaving my armpits without worrying that it's a contradiction that I still shave my legs and pluck my eyebrows. (My husband loves the pit hair!) For more about the return of the Goddess, please see Clementine's video The Return of the Goddess or Demetra George's book Mysteries of the Dark Moon: The Healing Power of the Dark Goddess.
I think the main reason I haven't been identifying as a witch is that I'm not into ritual magic. The best rituals I've ever done were more like exercises in art therapy, wherein the artistic process transforms psychologically and spiritually, than they were casting spells. Sometimes I think taking a walk on a balmy summer night is magical enough! (Note: partially since I am now identifying as a witch and not Wiccan, I don't think I need to perform formal ritual magic to be a witch.) Some other ways I am a witch are that I really connect with the world and nature on a spiritual level through my art, I feel a really strong connection to the cycles of the moon embodying the cycle of life, death, and rebirth (as we also see in the seasons, and in contradiction to the predominant thinking of time as linear instead of cyclical) and as far as Christianity goes I feel a very strong connection to Mother Mary as a face of the Goddess.
important q from the faq page
Do you hear voices? Do they tell you to kill people?
I do sometimes hear voices, and they certainly do not tell me to kill people! Even if they did, that doesn't mean I'd do it, because I know they aren't real. They're very disturbing when they happen, but they don't make me violent, towards myself or others.
I do sometimes hear voices, and they certainly do not tell me to kill people! Even if they did, that doesn't mean I'd do it, because I know they aren't real. They're very disturbing when they happen, but they don't make me violent, towards myself or others.
Nicotine-Stained
pillspillspillspills
pills to make you sleepy
pills to make you wired
pills to make you not hear voices..... yes
you sleep all the time
you suppress magical thinking
and wonder if it's wrong
if you're wrong
you wonder what the hell's wrong with you
are you possessed?
are the voices really faeries?
not modernly imagined, sweet, childlike faeries but old-school mischievous faeries?
When the people who are against psychiatry hear you talk this way, they say you should go off your medication
Well, fuck them
because the medication saved my life
even if it made me fat
it made me have a life
and now there's nothing left to say
I'm telling you my secret
because I'm a drama queen and attention whore at heart
even if I lock myself up in a nicotine-stained glass coffin
pills to make you sleepy
pills to make you wired
pills to make you not hear voices..... yes
you sleep all the time
you suppress magical thinking
and wonder if it's wrong
if you're wrong
you wonder what the hell's wrong with you
are you possessed?
are the voices really faeries?
not modernly imagined, sweet, childlike faeries but old-school mischievous faeries?
When the people who are against psychiatry hear you talk this way, they say you should go off your medication
Well, fuck them
because the medication saved my life
even if it made me fat
it made me have a life
and now there's nothing left to say
I'm telling you my secret
because I'm a drama queen and attention whore at heart
even if I lock myself up in a nicotine-stained glass coffin
fb note entitled "becoming a feminist"
OK, so I was 7 when in
1986 I started questioning gender roles and challenging them, but I
didn't realize that could be called feminism until I was 11 and got
really into the activism of the late '60s/ early '70s, and then when I
was 12 I (attempted to) read "The Feminine Mystique." I pretty much
considered myself a full-blown feminist by the end of my freshman year
of high school.
--the brevity of this is due to the fact that I originally wanted to put it under "changed beliefs" on my timeline, but "they" didn't "think" "a feminist" was a proper response to the field "became," so I'm posting it here instead
Maybe I considered myself a full-fledged feminist by the end of 8th grade, because the 8th grade yearbook said, in the part where they said what we'd be when we grew up, that I'd be a women's rights activist. Also, I remember this really really sad incident when I was 15 and my mom would let my brother walk around alone at night but she wouldn't let me do it, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I was a girl, and I said that was sexist and she said, "That's the way the world is." I knew she was right, and it made me realize for the first time that it wasn't my mom who was sexist or my school that was sexist; I thought to myself, "there will never be true equality until a girl can walk around alone at night without being afraid" and I knew that wouldn't happen for awhile, and, as you can imagine, it really bummed me out... it still bums me out! I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but that's when I realized we live in a rape culture.
--the brevity of this is due to the fact that I originally wanted to put it under "changed beliefs" on my timeline, but "they" didn't "think" "a feminist" was a proper response to the field "became," so I'm posting it here instead
Maybe I considered myself a full-fledged feminist by the end of 8th grade, because the 8th grade yearbook said, in the part where they said what we'd be when we grew up, that I'd be a women's rights activist. Also, I remember this really really sad incident when I was 15 and my mom would let my brother walk around alone at night but she wouldn't let me do it, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I was a girl, and I said that was sexist and she said, "That's the way the world is." I knew she was right, and it made me realize for the first time that it wasn't my mom who was sexist or my school that was sexist; I thought to myself, "there will never be true equality until a girl can walk around alone at night without being afraid" and I knew that wouldn't happen for awhile, and, as you can imagine, it really bummed me out... it still bums me out! I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but that's when I realized we live in a rape culture.
JIGSAW THIRTY--SOMETHINGS!!!
My therapist is a
feminist, and today she expressed that I'm making a really important
feminist statement by choosing not to have kids, when the supposed duty
of women to pro-create is still so profound in our culture. I told her
it was mainly because I didn't want to f*** up my medications that I take for schizo-affective disorder and didn't
feel capable of taking care of another human being 24/7 who was
completely dependent on me, not to mention the fact that one of the
reasons Tommy and I got married was that we both didn't want kids. My
therapist said it was still a feminist statement for a woman to even be
able to think in terms of not wanting children. And then it hit me: if I
met a woman with hairy armpits who kept her "maiden" name when she got
married who said she didn't want kids, my "feminist radar," if you will,
would go off.
So, put together like Kathleen Hanna's famous jigsaw, this is my brand of feminism. What's yours? For example, a woman could choose to HAVE children as part of her personal feminist creed, etc....
So, put together like Kathleen Hanna's famous jigsaw, this is my brand of feminism. What's yours? For example, a woman could choose to HAVE children as part of her personal feminist creed, etc....
Sunday, May 27, 2012
pitstarter
The Kickstarter fundraiser for Pitstache didn't work, so here it goes again! In case you didn't guess, I really want to see Pitstache the movie get made!
The Kickstarter fundraiser for Pitstache didn't work, so here it goes again! In case you didn't guess, I really want to see Pitstache the movie get made!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
why do I even bother trying to be an ethical, healthy person?
I feel like i don't know what to do
what to hear
who do be
what's the difference between pushing myself in a healthy way and doing it in an unproductive way that just stresses me out, rendering me miserable and unproductive? Where do you draw the line, and how do you know where to draw the line?
I have not been as artistically productive since I quit smoking. I also haven't been fulfilling my housekeeping duties. I started feeling boxed in until I started drinking again, thus realizing I can drink and not have a cigarette. I think it's good that I went off the sauce early in my quit attempt though.
what to hear
who do be
what's the difference between pushing myself in a healthy way and doing it in an unproductive way that just stresses me out, rendering me miserable and unproductive? Where do you draw the line, and how do you know where to draw the line?
I have not been as artistically productive since I quit smoking. I also haven't been fulfilling my housekeeping duties. I started feeling boxed in until I started drinking again, thus realizing I can drink and not have a cigarette. I think it's good that I went off the sauce early in my quit attempt though.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
facebook conversation about Pitstache (yes, my profile pic of the moment is of a young Marianne Faithfull)
Elizabeth Caudy I'm glad you're going to try to raise funds again... I really want to see this movie get made, for selfish reasons... but that's the point of art, right? You make art that is meaningful to you in the hopes that it will be meaningful to someone else. :) Well, I shouldn't say that's THE point of art, but you know what I mean... (and thusly art school shows its ugly head, lol)...
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
possible tattoo (if I wanted to get a tattoo, which I don't really)
glittering amidst her rhinestones
she walks blindly
the rafters support her
the rats weave their tails for her
and the winter sun is her halo
she walks blindly
the rafters support her
the rats weave their tails for her
and the winter sun is her halo
Friday, March 30, 2012
School Years as Defined By Record Albums
grade school--
The soundtrack to Dirty Dancing
junior high--
The White Album by The Beatles
Like a Prayer by Madonna
the soundtrack to Imagine
Appetite for Destruction by Guns 'n' Roses
Help! by The Beatles
The Immaculate Collection by Madonna
Ride the Lightning by Metallica
Metallica by Metallica
99.9 F Degrees by Suzanne Vega
Ten by Pearl Jam
Nevermind by Nirvana
Wish by the Cure
the soundtrack to Singles
high school
freshman year--
Revolver by The Beatles
In Utero by Nirvana
Mr. Fantasy by Traffic
John Barleycorn Must Die by Traffic
summer between freshman and sophomore years of high school--
Surrealistic Pillow by The Jefferson Airplane
Incesticide by Nirvana
the soundtrack to Reservoir Dogs
So Tonight That I Might See by Mazzy Star
Pretty On the Inside by Hole
Automatic For the People by REM
sophomore year--
Live Through This by Hole
the soundtrack to Pulp Ficton
A Storm in Heaven by Verve
Nirvana Unplugged by Nirvana
Last Exit by Traffic
summer between sophomore and junior year:
She Hangs Brightly by Mazzy Star
Piper at the Gates of Dawn by Pink Floyd
Saucerful of Secrets by Pink Floyd
junior year--
Space Oddity by David Bowie
Not a Pretty Girl by Ani Difranco
Geek the Girl by Lisa Germano
Relics by Pink Floyd
After Bathing at Baxter's by Jefferson Airplane
Crown of Creation by Jefferson Airplane
Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos
Atom Heart Mother by Pink Floyd
summer between junior and senior year--
Happiness by Lisa Germano (the rare version)
Out of Range by Ani Difranco
Imperfectly by Ani Difranco
Horses by Patti Smith
Under the Pink by Tori Amos
Dummy by Portishead
Ani Difranco by Ani Difranco
Dilate by Ani Difranco
senior year--
Piper At the Gates of Dawn by Pink Floyd (again)
The Velvet Underground Box Set
4-Track Demos by PJ Harvey
4-Track Demos by Rose Polenzani (I shot the cover! :)
To Bring You My Love by PJ Harvey
Kaia by Kaia
Boys For Pele by Tori Amos
summer between high school and college--
Post by Bjork
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars by David Bowie
Axis: Bold as Love by Jimi Hendrix
Nine Objects of Desire by Suzanne Vega
Live in 1969: Volume 1 by The Velvet Underground
freshman year at The Rhode Island School of Design--
Jewel by Cranes
Dig Me Out by Sleater--Kinney
Dry by PJ Harvey
Pornography by the Cure
From the Choirgirl Hotel by Tori Amos
Ray of Light by Madonna
Spice World and the Spice Girls' other album (I'm not proud to say)
summer between frosh/sophomore years @ RISD--
The CD Version of the First Two Albums by Bikini Kill
fall semester soph. year at RISD--
Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
From the Choirgirl Hotel by Tori Amos (again)
Flood by They Might be Giants
the next spring when I took a semester off, and the summer before I started full time at The School of the Art Institute of Chicago:
Pussy Whipped by Bikini Kill
rest of undergrad--
Homogenic by Bjork
soundtrack to Almost Famous
The Singles by Bikini Kill
Julie Ruin by Julie Ruin
The Chronic by Dr. Dre
Le Tigre by Le Tigre
Feminist Sweepstakes by Le Tigre
grad school--
Tales of a Librarian by Tori Amos
Feminist Sweepstakes by Le Tigre (again)
American III: Solitary Man by Johnny Cash
American IV: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash
The Creek Drank the Cradle by Iron and Wine
I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One by Yo La Tengo
Loved by the Cranes
Plague Mass by Diamanda Galas
The Singer by Diamanda Galas
All Hands On the Bad One by Sleater--Kinney
The Fakes by The Fakes
Plastic Ono Band by John Lennon
Requiem Mass by Mozart
The Passion of Joan of Arc by Voices of Light
Year of Meteors by Laura Veirs
Before the Poison by Marianne Faithfull
The Beekeeper by Tori Amos
The soundtrack to Dirty Dancing
junior high--
The White Album by The Beatles
Like a Prayer by Madonna
the soundtrack to Imagine
Appetite for Destruction by Guns 'n' Roses
Help! by The Beatles
The Immaculate Collection by Madonna
Ride the Lightning by Metallica
Metallica by Metallica
99.9 F Degrees by Suzanne Vega
Ten by Pearl Jam
Nevermind by Nirvana
Wish by the Cure
the soundtrack to Singles
high school
freshman year--
Revolver by The Beatles
In Utero by Nirvana
Mr. Fantasy by Traffic
John Barleycorn Must Die by Traffic
summer between freshman and sophomore years of high school--
Surrealistic Pillow by The Jefferson Airplane
Incesticide by Nirvana
the soundtrack to Reservoir Dogs
So Tonight That I Might See by Mazzy Star
Pretty On the Inside by Hole
Automatic For the People by REM
sophomore year--
Live Through This by Hole
the soundtrack to Pulp Ficton
A Storm in Heaven by Verve
Nirvana Unplugged by Nirvana
Last Exit by Traffic
summer between sophomore and junior year:
She Hangs Brightly by Mazzy Star
Piper at the Gates of Dawn by Pink Floyd
Saucerful of Secrets by Pink Floyd
junior year--
Space Oddity by David Bowie
Not a Pretty Girl by Ani Difranco
Geek the Girl by Lisa Germano
Relics by Pink Floyd
After Bathing at Baxter's by Jefferson Airplane
Crown of Creation by Jefferson Airplane
Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos
Atom Heart Mother by Pink Floyd
summer between junior and senior year--
Happiness by Lisa Germano (the rare version)
Out of Range by Ani Difranco
Imperfectly by Ani Difranco
Horses by Patti Smith
Under the Pink by Tori Amos
Dummy by Portishead
Ani Difranco by Ani Difranco
Dilate by Ani Difranco
senior year--
Piper At the Gates of Dawn by Pink Floyd (again)
The Velvet Underground Box Set
4-Track Demos by PJ Harvey
4-Track Demos by Rose Polenzani (I shot the cover! :)
To Bring You My Love by PJ Harvey
Kaia by Kaia
Boys For Pele by Tori Amos
summer between high school and college--
Post by Bjork
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars by David Bowie
Axis: Bold as Love by Jimi Hendrix
Nine Objects of Desire by Suzanne Vega
Live in 1969: Volume 1 by The Velvet Underground
freshman year at The Rhode Island School of Design--
Jewel by Cranes
Dig Me Out by Sleater--Kinney
Dry by PJ Harvey
Pornography by the Cure
From the Choirgirl Hotel by Tori Amos
Ray of Light by Madonna
Spice World and the Spice Girls' other album (I'm not proud to say)
summer between frosh/sophomore years @ RISD--
The CD Version of the First Two Albums by Bikini Kill
fall semester soph. year at RISD--
Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
From the Choirgirl Hotel by Tori Amos (again)
Flood by They Might be Giants
the next spring when I took a semester off, and the summer before I started full time at The School of the Art Institute of Chicago:
Pussy Whipped by Bikini Kill
rest of undergrad--
Homogenic by Bjork
soundtrack to Almost Famous
The Singles by Bikini Kill
Julie Ruin by Julie Ruin
The Chronic by Dr. Dre
Le Tigre by Le Tigre
Feminist Sweepstakes by Le Tigre
grad school--
Tales of a Librarian by Tori Amos
Feminist Sweepstakes by Le Tigre (again)
American III: Solitary Man by Johnny Cash
American IV: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash
The Creek Drank the Cradle by Iron and Wine
I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One by Yo La Tengo
Loved by the Cranes
Plague Mass by Diamanda Galas
The Singer by Diamanda Galas
All Hands On the Bad One by Sleater--Kinney
The Fakes by The Fakes
Plastic Ono Band by John Lennon
Requiem Mass by Mozart
The Passion of Joan of Arc by Voices of Light
Year of Meteors by Laura Veirs
Before the Poison by Marianne Faithfull
The Beekeeper by Tori Amos
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Reasons Why I Started Smoking
The world comes at you too fast; it's nice to have a reason to take a break. That said, a lot of people are "going out for some air" now when they need a break. I can do that instead. Going out for some air is so much nicer than going out for a cigarette. I can inhale the fresh spring air instead of the dirty carbon monoxide smoke, and not feel embarrassed for what I'm doing.
A word on the world coming at me too fast: I'm someone who is easily stimulated and likes to take my time on things to get them just right. In school, I frequently ran into problems because I "didn't work fast enough." The kids who worked fast got to have social lives; I spent all my time on my schoolwork and gave up on my social life because I don't work "fast enough." If I chose to hang out with friends, I often didn't do well in school because of it.
I think our culture is sick. It stresses people out and than villifies people for the ways they try to cope with the stress, whether it's smoking cigarettes, drinking, smoking pot, overeating, or whatever. Just as very few women in our country can fit the skinny, big-breasted, blond, young and white ideal for women, very few people in general can fit the ideal in our country of a physically fit, well-adjusted, healthy person with no bad habits.
Well, anyway, this Sunday I will have gone two weeks without smoking.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Quitting Smoking Playlist
Tomorrow Never Knows-- The Beatles
Alive-- Pearl Jam
High-- Cure
Stepping Up to the Mic-- Internal/External featuring Kathleen Hanna
These Are Days-- 10,000 Maniacs
Today-- Smashing Pumpkins
Get Down, Make Love-- Nine Inch Nails
If I Needed Someone-- The Beatles
Man On the Moon-- R.E.M.
Mr. Jones-- Counting Crows
Shine-- Collective Soul
Fade Into You-- Mazzy Star
Longview-- Green Day
Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
Bouncing Off Clouds-- Tori Amos
Alive-- Pearl Jam
High-- Cure
Stepping Up to the Mic-- Internal/External featuring Kathleen Hanna
These Are Days-- 10,000 Maniacs
Today-- Smashing Pumpkins
Get Down, Make Love-- Nine Inch Nails
If I Needed Someone-- The Beatles
Man On the Moon-- R.E.M.
Mr. Jones-- Counting Crows
Shine-- Collective Soul
Fade Into You-- Mazzy Star
Longview-- Green Day
Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
Bouncing Off Clouds-- Tori Amos
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
a correction
The Pearl Jam album I've been talking about isn't self-titled, as the cover would suggest. It is called Vs. As in "versus." I remember that from my youth, now.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I posted this on a message board on facebook last night
This is my second day smoke free... I've joined an on-line Nic-Anon group... I ordered the book (I love to read anyway)... I'm on the full-strength patch... I've enlisted my 95-year-old great aunt (who successfully quit at 39... I'm 32) to ...be my personal cheerleader (that woman has a lot of life and energy left in her!)...everything's happening so fast, it doesn't seem possible that two days ago I was smoking... but I have this visceral feeling that a layer of smoke and ash has been lifted from my vision, and especially my senses of smell and taste
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I was so dumb
i was fifteen years old. i was so dumb. the protaganist of the book girl, interrupted smoked (this was in 1994, before angelina jolie was a glimmer in the media's eye). franny glass smoked. courtney love smoked. but, most importantly, my friends smoked. flash forward to 17 years later: WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!!!?
i know there are other points in my life when i may have started smoking if i hadn't at 15. like at college.
i hate the person i was becoming when i started smoking. the person who didn't believe in herself. the person who gave up on herself. the person who needed a boyfriend to feel valuable. the person who did drugs even though part of her was afraid of them. the person who found redemption, or thought she found redemption, in being "a bad girl." the person who let her boyfriend convince her to become an atheist. i hate that person. i hate that that person is in my past. maybe, somehow, i can exorcise that ghost of the girl i used to be by stopping smoking. because it was her who started smoking, it wasn't me. the real me was underground, letting this fake version of me be my avatar to the world.
i know there are other points in my life when i may have started smoking if i hadn't at 15. like at college.
i hate the person i was becoming when i started smoking. the person who didn't believe in herself. the person who gave up on herself. the person who needed a boyfriend to feel valuable. the person who did drugs even though part of her was afraid of them. the person who found redemption, or thought she found redemption, in being "a bad girl." the person who let her boyfriend convince her to become an atheist. i hate that person. i hate that that person is in my past. maybe, somehow, i can exorcise that ghost of the girl i used to be by stopping smoking. because it was her who started smoking, it wasn't me. the real me was underground, letting this fake version of me be my avatar to the world.
quitting smoking
I'm quitting smoking (again.) It's only been my first day smoke-free and I'm already at my wit's end, but I just keep thinking of all the people I see who are hooked up to respirators. I don't think I'm a lost cause at 32, I just think the time to quit is now. I really can't afford to wait a few more years anymore. Now I am going to the American Cancer Society website to arm myself with information.
Friday, March 9, 2012
more about Pearl Jam
That Pearl Jam album I bought at the rummage sale that I talked about in my previous post, their self-titled album, is actually pretty good... except that when I was driving home, for a minute there, since I live in the same town that I did when I was 15, I had this weird moment that if I used suspension of disbelief it almost seemed as though I was 15 again, wandering around my my town, although of course I couldn't drive when I was 15. Sometimes I wonder if the ghosts of this town really haunt me, or if I am one of them, haunting this town... or if there is really an appreciable difference between the two.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
critique of bridget jones
cigarettes: too many
calories: who cares, f**k the establishment for telling us we have to be thin
alcohol: none but i probably need it
currently listening to: "wish" by the cure
bought another old pearl jam cd at a rummage sale last night... the only pearl jam album i actually liked in the '90's was "ten"... think i may be having mid-life crisis
go-to albums of 2012, so far:
"scarlet's walk" by tori amos
"amrita... all these and the japanese soup warriors" by loop guru
still waiting for the end of the world... (and f**k the mayan calendar and hugh grant, too)
calories: who cares, f**k the establishment for telling us we have to be thin
alcohol: none but i probably need it
currently listening to: "wish" by the cure
bought another old pearl jam cd at a rummage sale last night... the only pearl jam album i actually liked in the '90's was "ten"... think i may be having mid-life crisis
go-to albums of 2012, so far:
"scarlet's walk" by tori amos
"amrita... all these and the japanese soup warriors" by loop guru
still waiting for the end of the world... (and f**k the mayan calendar and hugh grant, too)
Friday, March 2, 2012
What Hairy Armpits Mean
Standing up for what I believe in. Standing up for what's right. Doing what I have to do. Putting myself first. Not thinking in "binary code" (ie, if I shave my armpits but still pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs, I can be free to be contradictory in other things.) Standing up for myself. Taking care of myself. Eating right. Exercising. Not worrying about what other people think of me. Not worrying about whether something I want to do or how I accomplish something "makes sense." Rejecting that because I am a married woman in my thirties, that means I have to act or be a certain way. Not defining "sex" as vaginal intercourse. Rejecting the idea that if I teach myself to do something a certain way and it's different than how other people do it, I'm "doing it wrong." Embracing the dark cunt. Embracing the dark faerie fissure in the woods. Embracing the dark swarthy sweaty hairy armpit. Embracing that life is messy. Embracing that people die for no reason and there's nothing you can do to stop it and pictures fall down from off the shelf for no reason and the glass shatters everywhere and this can happen twice in one week but through all that not getting lost in the tangled woods and keeping track of the light, even if it is from a waning moon…
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The Armpit Diaries
When I first stopped shaving my armpits, I kept a diary. I didn't write in it for very long because, happily, I got braver and starting writing about it here and on facebook. In fact, last night I started a club on fb called "I <3 Grrrls With Hairy Pits" and it was thriving within two hours! So, anyway, here are The Armpit Diaries.
Day 1
I'd been toying with the idea of not shaving my armpits for at least six days. I first remember the idea when I noticed my spinning instructor last Tues. shaved her armpits. I noticed that she shaved them. I want to regain some of the "stick-it-to-the-man"--ness I had when I was younger. Maybe it is all just a midlife crisis. But at least stopping shaving my armpits is a unique way of dealing with my midlife crisis, right? Anyway, since I'd already been thinking about it, reading Clementine Cannibal's words made me realize I had to take action and stop being afraid of what people think in at least this area of my life. Tommy (my husband) doesn't care. (Note: as of posting this, he loves my fuzz!)
Day 3
I think hairy armpits look more natural and therefore better than shaved ones. For some reason exposed armpit hair on guys really bothers me though. Maybe it's because their flaunting their male privilege whereas a woman flaunting hairy pits is being subversive.
WHAT HAIRY ARMPITS MEAN
standing up for what I believe in. Standing up for what's right. Doing what I have to do. Putting myself first. Not thinking in "binary code" (ie, if I shave my armpits but still pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs, I can be free to be contradictory in other things.) Standing up for myself. Taking care of myself. Eating right. Exercising. Not worrying about what other people think of me. Not worry about whether something I want to do or how I accomplish something "makes sense." Rejecting that because I am a married woman in my thirties, that means I have to act or be a certain way. Not defining "sex" as vaginal intercourse. Rejecting the idea that if I teach myself to do something a certain way and it's different than how other people do it, I'm "doing it wrong." embracing the dark cunt. embracing the dark faerie fissure in the woods. embracing the dark swarthy sweaty hairy armpit. embracing that life is messy. embracing that people die for no reason and there's nothing you can do to stop it and pictures fall down off from the shelf for no reason and the glass shatters everywhere and this can happen twice in one week but through all that not getting lost in the tangled woods and keeping track of the light, even if it is from a waning moon
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
That Girl With the Hairy Armpits
I had a tumblr account for about an hour, but I found it too confusing. And kind of pointless since I have this blog, and I only joined so I could be in their Hairy Armpit Club, but something popped up that said I needed to resend my email address to send them my "pits" OR ask them a question, and when I tried to resend my email address, something popped up that said I couldn't do it. So, here is my one post as hairypitgrrrl:
My earliest human memory is when I was about two years old. It was summertime. Tomatoes growing in the back yard, and I was in the back yard, staring at the setting sun, which glowed big and red like a juicy tomato. I spun around, my arms flailing. I felt so free and happy, but safe because my mother was watching me from a million miles of unmown grass and dandelion leaves away, in her denim dress on the back porch.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
The Other Hairy Armpit Picture
First off: any hate comments will be deleted. However, you may be wondering, what's up with the hairy pits?
The official title of this photograph is "Blue Bra."
Shaft of Light
Life is mostly a dark journey, or that's been my experience, so we should be grateful for the few slim shafts of light that come our way and only dare to hope the gasps of light will bless us more and more like a door opening wider and wider, and more often.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)