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Music, Reading Material, and Movies for Door County

MOVIES
(this is the only time when my mom has time to sit down and watch movies)
I got my mom "clueless" to watch in Door County because it's cute and it's based on Jane Austen's Emma
Rosemary's Baby-- Roman Polanski is a genius. This movie is so eerie and so scary in a way that's built up with subtle layers and shifts in consciousness and reality without any cheesy special affects.  Mia Farrow is a genius, too... her performance was outstanding and really made the movie work.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (I thought my mom would appreciate the whole growing-up-ethnic-in-Chicago thing, even if she is 1/2 Italian instead of 100% Greek, plus my dad loves this movie)
Up! (my nephews think the old man in this movie looks like my dad)
I'm hoping one of my brothers will bring Rock'n'Roll Circus... I could use some good John Lennon/ Mick Jagger-flavored eye candy... but don't tell T! :)
my dad's bringing Kick-Ass and The Book of Eli. If I could be anything I wanted this Halloween, it would be Hit Girl
Finding Nemo... because we can't get enough of Disney/Pixar
Help!... it's a family classic. With Beatle eye candy. That's important.
Girl, Interrupted-- I love this book so much, and I was both really excited and a bit wary when I heard a movie was being made of it starring Winona Ryder. But she was great-- ever since I saw it I've had so much respect for her, and I appreciate her impulse to make a movie about mental illness (she produced it). I heard she wanted to make the movie because she'd been having panic attacks, and I know how awful those can be. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of a society we live in where so many people have panic attacks, huh?
My dad's also bringing Kill Bill 1 & 2 (my favorite Quentin Tarantino movie... or should I be pretentious and say film?) and Flight of the Valkyries, starring Hollywood's very own expert on psychiatry, Tom Cruise!


READING MATERIAL
The Bell Jar (I know, I know)
The Wisdom of Insecurity because I'm hoping it'll change my life. If it doesn't, I can't get my money back because it was a gift from Bugman, who is the one who told me it would change my life.
Last month's issue of Bust
This summer's issue of Bipolar Magazine

MUSIC
Lots of classical (Mozart's Requiem Mass, Bach, Beethoven, Scheherezade, Schubert), Johnny Cash, and Ray Charles for the car because it's the only music my dad and I can agree on and I DON'T  want to be listening to Jay and the Americans and Roy Orbison the whole way up
The White Album--  I used to listen to the Beatles pretty much all the time, especially the White Album (me and Charlie Manson, right? ;) and so therefore i listened to that album in Door County, and little bitty Bugman started calling "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" "The Door County Song," and now it's a family tradition to listen to it on the ride up to Door County
a mix CD a friend gave me that has the song "Map of the world" by "Monsters of Folk" --that song really means a lot to me right now and if I get the chance I want to play it for my brothers. It's pretty depressing... my favorite line is "the road that you paved over Indian graves and you wonder why your dreams are crazed"
--Wave by Patti Smith
I bought this album during Black Friday retail therapy with my sister last year, but just started getting into it now. Just in case I have a chance to listen to it...
PRETTY ON THE INSIDE BY HOLE
I first got into this album heavily, especially "Good Sister, Bad Sister," the summer of 1994, when I was 15, in Door County. (The hipster in me wishes to point out that this was BEFORE they got really popular with their fall of '94 album "Live Through This," although I'm sure I'm not the only person to have turned my interest to Courtney Love during the spring and summer after Kurt Cobain's suicide.) That was 17 years ago. It seems appropriate.
Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos... My all-time favorite album by anyone, whenever I go somewhere and bring music I bring this album. In fact, one time I couldn't find it and I freaked out so hardcore I went out and bought another copy. Well, I found my old copy, so now I have two! Also, my dad likes the song "Winter" and can appreciate that Tori is a masterful pianist. (By the way, I think I would have to say my all-time second-favorite album is Automatic For the People by REM. I know it doesn't make sense because REM isn't one of my top five favorite bands, but even though they're responsible for my 2nd favorite album, they don't fit the criteria for being one of my top five on facebook. For one thing, that's the only album by them that I ever listen to. For another, they don't fascinate me the way Tori, the Beatles and Hole do, and also I love pretty much everything Hole, Tori, the Beatles, the Kills (who also fascinate me), and Partners in Stars have ever done. Partners in Stars are my good friends, they haven't blown me off since they started getting successful, and in a manic fit I nastily called them a "goddam New York Electronica Band," but we were all able to laugh about it later to the point that they made the quote one of their posters. Go Partners in Stars, independent womyn and embodiment of feminism! Mad respect and I <3 you something fierce!
more music for Door County:
Otis Redding
Aretha Franklin
Diva by Annie Lennox (which I assume my dad will like since I "borrowed" it from him)
August by Rose Polenzani
Anonymous 4 singing Voices of Light: An Oratorio Inspired By the Film The Passion of Joan of Arc (this may be too goth for my dad, or he may really like it... I might already be pushing it by having Requiem Mass as my Mozart pick)


--this post was originally a note on facebook

KK's Playlist

Mookid-- Aphex Twin
Shining Road-- Cranes
One Hundred Years-- The Cure
Baby's Insane-- Diamanda Galas
Stepping Up to the Mic-- Internal/External featuring Kathleen Hanna
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs
Lightning is My Girl-- Melissa Auf der Maur
Letter to God-- Hole
Shaved Pussy Poetry-- Huggy Bear
Working Class Hero-- John Lennon
Gloria-- Patti Smith
Polyester Bride-- Liz Phair
Anyone Else But You-- The Moldy Peaches
Shadowtime-- Siouxsie and the Banshees
Rich-- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Give-- Tori Amos
Everyday is a Winding Road-- Sheryl Crow
America-- Simon and Garfunkel

out of touch

It seems like I'm always sleeping when major historical events happen. Last night T woke me up to tell me Osama bin Laden was dead, on 9/11/01 I was sleeping when my mom called to tell me about the World Trade Center, I think I was taking a nap when my friend AS called to tell me about Kurt Cobain's suicide, and I was one year old when John Lennon was shot late at night so I was probably asleep then, too.

It Stands For Knife For the Rest of My Life*

* the title of this post is a lyric from the song "Doll Parts" by Hole

unedited rant

I'm so, so very sick of worrying about whether I'll offend someone. Of course, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but that's different. I feel like I'm people-pleasing my way through life, from the fact that I shave my legs to to the fact that the only people I'm totally honest with are my therapist, my mom, and my paper diary. See, there. Now I want to delete that last sentence because I'm afraid it'll offend somebody. This people-pleasing fear of offending people rears its ugly head the most online. Yeah, yeah, I know we're supposed to watch what we say online, but there are some things I'd really like to write about here but I'm afraid I'll offend someone. Take, for example the fact that 3 of my good friends died between the years of 2001-2004. Two of the deaths were suicides. I feel like I don't have a right to write about it because I wasn't their sister or mother or whatever. Mr. 2001 would  have turned 32 on April 19. Of the three friends of mine who died, I was the closest to him. In the fall of 1999, when we both happened to be in the Chicago area, we were pretty much inseparable.The next death, in 2003, the first suicide, was the death of a close family friend who was like a cousin to me. I mean, I used to babysit for him when he was little, and he taught me how to play the theme song to The Godfather on the violin. Also, back in the day I used to smoke pot (now I only drink and smoke cigarettes) and one of the times I smoked up was after I'd bought an eighth from him and we were just chilling and kind of bonding a little over being high together, and then this other time a bunch of us crawled up this ant-infested hill to smoke up on the train tracks and later we were at a restaurant and he took off his shirt because he was sure there were ants crawling all over his shirt and a waiter came by and told him he had to put his shirt back on and Mr. 2003 yelled, "HELL, no! I'm not putting that thing back on!" And then he proceeded to throw his shirt on the floor and start stomping on it. It was hilarious. Ah, good times, good times.

So. Mr. 2004 killed himself in 2004. I was already pretty devastated over 2001 and 2003, but I was shocked to find I had the capacity to be even more devastated when Mr. 2004 killed himself within months of Mr. 2003. (I know these are lame-ass nicknames.) It was awful. I had terrible, gruesome, grisly nightmares. But the worst part was, I was all alone in my grief. Since Mr. 2001 and Mr. 2003 were family friends, I had my family and their families to grieve with. But I have never felt so alone in my life as when I was dealing with Mr. 2004's suicide, after all the friends who had come in from out of town for the wake and funeral had gone back to their respective states. And as everyone who has experienced the death of a loved one knows, it really sinks in after the funeral. It was so bad. I would call my friends up because I needed to talk, and then when they picked up I had no idea what to say. How were they supposed to know why I was calling? I would just be like, "Um, hey, what's up...?" instead of saying, "I really need to talk about Mr. 2004." And they had lives, which I did not at the time, because I was taking a year off from grad school as a result of emotional trauma about Mr. 2003's death. That fall, I got a job at Borders and I dated a guy for a little while, so things started to feel better. I dated two guys one right after the other right after Mr. 2004's death (one of them I'd started dating just before the death) but I was in no position to have a good relationship with anyone right then... I had a lot of "me work" to do, as they say. I did date someone that summer, and was bummed when that didn't work out, but when my relationship with the guy I dated while I was working at Borders didn't work out, it didn't affect me as much because I had my job to keep me busy.

I can't imagine how horrible it would be to lose a son, a brother, a grandson, or a guy you're in a healthy, long-term relationship or marriage with (like I am blessed to have found with T), especially to suicide. Although, to me, these guys were "just" friends, the loss of them hurts something fierce still and I know it's worse for their families. But that doesn't discount the fact that they were my dear friends and I did love them, and I have a right to my grief. I'm sick of being made to feel I should just sweep that under the rug because they were "just" friends.

500 Years From Now

This is a list of things that when people 500 years from now will look back on the times we currently live in and the semi-recent past, they'll say, "WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THEM???"

--the fact that in most states, gay people can't marry
--George W. Bush's presidency
--the fact that pot is illegal except when it is used for medical purposes
--cosmetic surgery/Botox
--reality TV
--the fact that we haven't yet had a woman president
--our culture's obsession with being thin
--chastity balls/chastity rings
--sporting a whale tail on purpose
--the sex advice in Cosmo
--denying climate change
--tattoos and body piercings (I can say this because I had a navel ring for a few years)
--Brazilian bikini waxes
--two girls, one cup
--infomercials
--Alf
--Girls Gone Wild
--the fact that cutting became trendy
--that fashion designer who said Barbie has fat ankles
--Tom Cruise
--Mel Gibson
--the fact that "Titanic" won an Oscar for Best Picture
--the fact that Princess Diana's death overshadowed Mother Teresa's
--smooth jazz
--the woman in Florida who got in a car accident because she was shaving her bikini line while she was driving
--shows like Jerry Springer and Cops
--Blackberries, iPhones, etc.
--cliches like "love means never having to say you're sorry" and "he's just not that into you" being people's love mantras
--the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
--New Age
--the Atkins diet
--Vanilla Ice
--Old Navy Commercials
--the McGangbang
--White Castle
--the use of the word "pimp"  that went on a lot in the previous decade... ie, "pimp my ride," "pimp my profile"
--housewives taking pole dancing classes
--Twitter