Forever Young and Silent

My life is not mine
I belong to fragments of a smashed mirror
I belong to a million broken images of myself watching me
seven years of bad luck

seven bad years of constant surveillance
I spy on myself
I won't let myself be
I don't hate myself because that would be too easy
I have an obsession with self-help and self-improvement
and restoring the parts of myself that died with my friends

One friend had killed himself while our kitchen was being redone
After I got the phone call, I told my family what had happened over microwave-cooked cheese omelettes

after the wake, after the funeral, after the burial, after I'd read the suicide note, after the kitchen was done, after winter turned into spring and then summer, I'd sit in that kitchen at 3 in the morning watching Cold Case Files
lovely young brunette women disappearing on warm summer nights in the early 1980s or late 1970s in California
their bodies found half naked on the side of the road
I was too hyped up on Abilify to eat
I weighed 100 lbs

That summer
the summer of Cold Case Files
is sticky in my memory
sticky, ephemeral and hot
like a mirage on new black pavement on the highway

I want to fix myself
I want so, so much to be
right, and correct, and beautiful, and true
and to have nothing wrong with me
I want to have that without taking pills
but if I don't take my pills, I might end up like my friend
beautiful, but disappearing into the warm, sticky summer night recesses of my darkest thoughts
and being forever frozen in time, that turns into the past, as a frozen gray memory, a faded photograph

forever young
and silent

Mom's Sun Mix

The thing my mom and I hate most about winter is how dark it always is. So this year for Christmas, I made her a Sun Mix! Not all the songs are about the sun, "Here Comes The Sun" by the Beatles isn't on here because at the time I made the mix tape (I had to make her a tape because she still has a tape deck in her car) I didn't have that song on CD and my stereo doesn't have two tape players so I can't record from tape to tape. The last three songs are on the tape but wouldn't fit on the CD version of the mix. So, here is my mom's Sun Mix!

Time After Time-- Cyndi Lauper (my mom will be there for me, time after time)
Talk About the Passion-- REM
Little Fluffy Clouds-- The Orb (my brother and I played this song a lot for my mom in the '90's)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow-- Judy Garland (I was obsessed with the Wizard of Oz as a little kid and would go around pretending to be Judy Garland acting out the movie in public places, like my great aunt's apartment lobby, for whoever would watch and I had this song memorized. It was hilarious. I would be Dorothy, and I would make my little brother, who is 2 1/2 years younger than me, play all the other parts, including Toto.)
Possession-- Sarah McLachlan
In God's Country-- U2
Winter-- Tori Amos (both of my parents really like this song, and my mom remembers it from when we were unpacking my first dorm room)
Pink Light-- Laura Veirs ("with the fading of the constellations I am growing strong")
That Lucky Old Sun (Just Rolls Around Heaven All Day)-- Johnny Cash

~~I just realized I really should've put "Ray of Light" by Madonna on this mix! We listened to that album a lot when we were unpacking my first dorm room, too... it had just come out and it was all I ever listened to. Oh, well. Next year.~~

Pink Moon-- Nick Drake (since I was putting all these songs about the sun on the mix, I thought I should throw in a couple about the moon, too)
Who Loves the Sun-- The Velvet Underground
It's Not the Spotlight-- Beth Orton (whenever this song comes on during "Stir of Echoes," I tear up)
Hard Sun-- Eddie Vedder
Sun is King-- Laura Veirs
Man Called Sun-- The Verve
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes (I have been known to start the morning chain-smoking and listening to this song on repeat)
Primitive-- Annie Lennox
Map of the World-- Monsters of Folk
I Wish I Was the Moon-- Neko Case
Snow Angel-- Tori Amos (If I make a mix for someone, it's generally gonna have a lot of Tori.)

BONUS TRACKS FOR TAPE VERSION
Good Day Sunshine-- The Beatles
Summertime-- Janis Joplin (because summertime is the bestest time!)
White Rabbit-- Jefferson Airplane (My mom is one of the only babyboomers I know who has never tried drugs. But she still likes this song.)