update on my depression

I may regret posting this immediately after I write it. But I don't give a shit anymore.

I am so fucking depressed. You know how on the Cymbalta commercials, they say "Depression hurts?" As in, not just your mind but your body, too? It's true. For me, I especially can't stand being the slightest bit cold. When I'm at my parents' house, they say, "You can't be cold, you're wearing a hoodie." Now, my parents are great. They've helped me through some really tough times, and I'm really grateful for how loving and understanding they are. But, when it comes to the fact that I almost always feel uncomfortably chilly, especially when I'm depressed, they have no fucking idea what that's like for me. The fact that I feel chilly turns into something I just cannot stop thinking about when I'm depressed, and any other minor discomfort or inconvenience turns into a big fucking ordeal, too. Like my purse strap tugging on my long hair, or my long hair seeming to constantly get in the way in general; or my parents' cat, who I usually adore, jumping on me when I'm trying to read.

I got home to my apartment last night and bawled because it was still cold there. It's been cold there for the past week. I sleep in a long t-shirt and a hoodie, with two comforters. And last night I just couldn't deal with the cold anymore. So I took a hot bath. Which was a good move for someone who's as depressed as I am. I mean, sometimes when you're in a deep depression, you don't think of things like that.

I don't mean to be all "sad sack of shit." My psychiatrist increased my Prozac, especially since I'd been constantly experiencing suicidal ideation, and I took the larger dose last night, so I do feel a little better. It really is true that "when you smile, the world smiles with you, and when you cry you cry alone." One of the worst things about clinical depression is no one can touch you. No one can break through. I watched "The Wedding Singer" last night, and it made me feel better, except that I almost had a crying jag. I've had a lot of those lately. Like if I'm watching "Field of Dreams," or if I'm listening to "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper, or if I'm playing "Letter to God" by Hole on repeat, which seemed to be a good idea two nights ago. Or, evidently, if I'm watching... "The Wedding Singer?" WTF?

I do feel a teensy bit better even though I just started the higher dosage of Prozac last night. I'm no longer experiencing suicidal ideation (just threw that in there for everyone who might worry about me, but it's true). Maybe it's because I got a good night's sleep last night, and also it's sunny and warm today and T will be stopping by work later to keep me company, and I'm looking forward to having a nice night with him tonight and a nice day with him tomorrow since he has tomorrow off from work. Just thinking about spending time with him tomorrow cheers me up. I have this feeling, that I didn't yesterday, that I can carry on... also writing this down is helping. But I haven't felt depressed like I did yesterday-- and that depressed accompanied by the physical discomfort-- since high school before I was diagnosed with depression, bipolar, schizo-affective, or anything... I'd never even been to see a psychiatrist since the summer after I graduated from high school. I did see a high school counselor my senior year, who "diagnosed" me with "senioritis." Whatever. I think part of the reason that when you cry you cry alone is that some people, even high school counselors (psht)  don't stop to notice that you're crying in the first place (I don't mean "crying" in the literal sense, I mean, as cheesy as this sounds, more like "crying on the inside.") And can you blame them? People are busy, and they have their own shit to deal with. I stopped wishing the world would notice my pain years ago. I even built up several thick walls to hide my pain from the world.

Today at work I was listening to Pandora (I still am, by the way, I'm at work now) and Johnny Cash's cover of "Hurt" came on. It made me so happy. It's like what Susanna Kaysen wrote in "Girl, Interrupted": when people are in pain, they need to hear their pain structured into sound. Now, I mean this: if you are in psychological pain and you read this, I hope it helps you the way hearing Johnny Cash's cover of "Hurt" helped me. Just because we depressed people generally lack the energy to reach out to each other doesn't mean we are alone in feeling this way.