songs I downloaded with Christmas gift iTune cards

Forever Young -- Rod Stewart (shut up)
I'm On Fire-- Bruce Springsteen
Kids in America-- Kim Wilde
Marian-- Sisters of Mercy
Poison Door-- Sisters of Mercy
The Promise-- When in Rome
Unchained Melody-- The Righteous Brothers
99 Luftballoons-- Nena
Black Hole Sun-- Soundgarden
Comfortably Numb-- Pink Floyd
Don't You (Forget About Me)-- Simple Minds
Low-- Cracker
Plush-- Stone Temple Pilots
Shine-- Collective Soul
Summertime Rolls-- Jane's Addiction
Wish You Were Here-- Pink Floyd
Yellow Ledbetter-- Pearl Jam
Time After Time-- Cyndi Lauper
Talk About the Passion-- REM
Little Fluffy Clouds-- The Orb
Somewhere Over the Rainbow-- Judy Garland
Possession-- Sarah McLachlan

for my sister

Shake What Ya Got

Shake What Ya Got

This is a really cool radio broadcast by my good friend, Katie Klocksin. Since it's her broadcast, I'm hoping she won't mind me using her full name. If you've ever felt like you can't be a dancer because you're not a size 2, you should listen to this broadcast... as a former serious ballet student who has taken one African dance class in my life (what? I get to stick my butt out and stomp my feet on the ground like I'm at a party?) I was particularly inspired by this broadcast to sign up for another dance class soon. But enough of my blathering, listen to the broadcast!

Anna's CD mix

songs by Tori Amos:

In the Springtime of His VooDoo
Blues Skies (Radio Edit) -- BT featuring
Famous Blue Raincoat (Live) (this is, of course, a cover of the, well, famous song by Leonard Cohen)
Glory of the 80s
Big Wheel
Give
Welcome to England
Snow Angel

songs by Eddie Vedder

Into the Wild soundtrack
Longing to Belong

yes, I still make CD mixes. And I prefer my discman to an iPod. I'm serious.

I'm Still Here, Part 2

As my new poem says, I'm still here. This post's first paragraph foreshadowed that I would freak out and close the blog for awhile. I need to be clear about to whom I send a direct link to this blog. There's nothing blatantly offensive on it, at least I don't think so, but I can see how certain others might. So it'll be the internet's best kept secret. :)

Not only have a started smoking again, I've been chain smoking. Hopefully it's just holiday stress. (Yeah, right.)

The days have been cold and gray and woven through with bare black tree branches. That's my attempt at being a poet for the day.

I'm Still Here

the darkness is everything we want but shouldn't
have, or shouldn't do
magical darkness
shape-shifts trees and bushes in the bluish-silver moonlight,
it's like you're on drugs
but you're not

darkness is my voice of silence
I have spent the past several years silencing myself
for no good reason
other than the fact that I live in a glass house
check that:
a glass coffin
because this isn't living
I'm not really sure what's holding me back
I'm not really sure if when I look back on times I didn't feel held back, I was too wild
too weird
alienating others

being a woman can hold you back, if you let it
we say things are better now, we say we live in a "post-feminist" era...
but I'm still afraid to ride the train at night for fear I'll get raped
and then get blamed for it because I was riding the train late at night
I'm still afraid I'll alienate people every time I open my mouth

there are more insidious things

like people asking my husband and I when we're going to have a baby and then become hostile when we say we don't want children

I'm sure that someone, somewhere, once told me it’s all in my head, that if I just take it like a man and pick myself up by my boot straps I won’t feel held back
that I’m so lazy I can’t even admit I’m lazy and that I'm holding myself back because I’m lazy and chicken-shit

even though I don't remember who said it, they're in my head, their faces running like masks of wet gray sand, telling me my feelings aren’t real

but they are
and I know I'm not lazy

I know because

I fight
I fight every day
and I'm still here
most of the fight, these days,
is still being here
and I am

I just sent everyone on my email list a Happy New Year email right after I decided to post a link to this blog in my email signature, so now of course I'm worried something in here might offend someone. But I think I can honestly say I've worked very hard to not post anything here that would hurt a reasonable person's feelings, so that's all I can really say.

I totally bonded with my mom through retail therapy today. We went to Carsons and I don't have any fancy clothes... whenever I go to buy something pretty I always buy something hippie-ish... so I bought two off-white blouses... one for Christmas, one for New Year's. The thing is, what with them being clearance items and my mom and I being armed with coupons, these blouses that at first had been priced at about $60 apiece ended up setting me back about $21 together.

Well, anyway, here's the pic I sent in the email... it's the season's first snowfall as seen through my window.

This is the picture I really wanted to use

but I didn't want the email to be religious, because my friends are all over the place when it comes to that kind of thing (which I think is really cool!)

So, now I will leave you with the dark, weird artsy pictures from the creche shoot. Enjoy!