Can a Person with Schizoaffective Disorder Have a Successful Marriage?

 

I am writing this on the weekend of the 18^th anniversary of meeting my husband Tom in person. I say “in person” because we met online, as so many in our generation (the tail end of Generation X) and in later generations do.

I could have just said it was our first date, but the way we met online is so humorous. We discovered each other on a social networking site called MySpace. It was one of the fledgling social networking sites that launched before Facebook. I had had my MySpace page locked (no one could see it besides my friends) but randomly decided to unlock it. That was right when Tom decided to search the site for photographers, and I had just earned my master’s degree in photography from Columbia College Chicago. My page was covered with banners from the Rape,Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) and other mental health-related organizations. But Tom stumbled upon my page and noticed we liked the same music. Then he sent me a characteristically to-the-point message asking if I had ever been raped (I answered no). And, then, he asked if I had a mental illness and I said I had bipolar disorder, shorthand for my schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. When I first meet people, I tend to say I have bipolar disorder instead of going into the more specific diagnosis because I feel people are more initially threatened by the “schizo” aspect of things.

So, our first date arrived on February 1, 2007. We met at a sushi restaurant in between the Chicago suburbs where we both lived. I liked that he lived so close. He had sent me a picture. He never uses pictures of himself on social media, he often uses drawings he’s made. I had my profile picture that he had already seen.  I had just read A Return to Modesty by the neo-conservative author Wendy Shalit. It’s a book that convinced me to not jump into bed with any guy I had just met. Moreover, it inspired me to save myself for a guy who respected me and who just quite simply made me feel good–not just sexually, but emotionally, although the two are related, for me anyway. I had not been on a date with anyone in over a year before I met Tom. Even before meeting him, I thought very highly of him.

On our second or third date, Tom came to the house where I lived with my parents. What really impressed me was that our cat George liked him so much he jumped right up on his shoulders! In fact, that sealed the deal for me.

What’s our secret? Well, sometimes my great Great Aunt Elsie would grab Tom by the neck in a German grandma’s vice grip, pull him down to her level, and ask him, “Do you still love her?” and Tom would say, “Yes, Aunt Elsie, of course, I still love her.” She would respond, “Good. Because she takes a lot of patience! This I know!” So Tom and I decided our secret is patience. I have that engraved on the inside of my 10th wedding anniversary band (which Tom actually gave me at our 6th anniversary. He’s always early with presents.)

Tom and I celebrate both Valentine’s Day and our first-date anniversaries together, since they’re so close to each other. This year, it was hectic because we’re still moving into our new condo, but we are going to see a play about the iconic artist Frida Kahlo for Valentine’s Day. We trust each other, we respect each other, and of course we love each other. As Tori Amos once sang, “The sexiest thing is trust.”

Improvement in My Schizoaffective Anxiety About Driving

 

This past Monday, I drove to therapy and then drove to get gas in my car. I hated getting gas even when I liked driving a lot more than I do now. I used to go on long drives listening to Tori Amos for fun and I still hated getting gas. So, I’m proud of myself for doing that. (Only this time, I listened to Mazzy Star.)

Then, on Thursday, I took the long drive to my general practitioner’s office, listening to R.E.M. I had been debating over whether I would take an Uber in this winter weather. Snow would have pushed me to an Uber commute.  But, the thing about that is, so what if it had been snowing? I’ve driven in snow before. Also, last fall I drove in the rain, and found it wasn’t a huge deal. So, maybe I’ll tackle snow–after all, I call myself a Chicagoan!

But let’s back up a little. I keep bringing up music, right? I’m not just hurling out the names of ‘90’s musicians because I like to (although I do). Music is very important to my driving. I don’t start backing out of my parking space until I have exactly the right music for my mood playing. It might not be the music I had previously been driving to. Mazzy Star was perfect for Monday, but I swapped the band up for R.E.M. on Thursday.

I mentioned in my previous article that I had almost hit a pedestrian while making a left turn on a green light. My husband, Tom, had previously said that something was going to happen that would make me want to stop driving. He said I might even get into an accident of some kind, but I had to keep driving.

I’m going to do everything in my power to not get into an accident and, if that happens, I could see myself quitting driving again, at least for a while. Yes, I did get into some accidents before I got so paranoid about driving.

I believe there were at least two incidents that made me stop driving for a while recently. One was that I got a warning for speeding. The other is that I drove into a snowbank and couldn’t get out without the help of kind souls who helped me dig my car out. Both of these happened while I was on my pleasure drive.

So, now, I make sure not to speed. I don’t know what to do about snow. As of now, I avoid driving in the snow.  I know lots of people do it– I used to do it. And I think remembering that, as well as remembering that I currently drive a Subaru that is made for driving in the snow, will help me reach my goal of driving in the snow this winter. After all, I’ve achieved so much in my driving over the past year.

Moving: Driving My Way to New Stressors

 

My husband, Tom, and I are moving! We’re not moving very far; we’re going to a place within our same suburb just north of Chicago. We’ve lived in our current apartment for 15 years, so there’s a lot of stuff to sort through. It’s been hard… but it’s also been good because the sorting keeps me busy.

We won’t be living near the el anymore, so I’ll have to drive to places I used to rely on the el to reach, such as therapy. I have been practicing driving a lot, but I’m terrified of driving in the snow, even though I drive a Subaru SUV. (Chicago is notorious for its terrible winters—the whole Midwest is.) Also, I currently live within walking distance from my parents’ house; I actually park my car in their garage. Suffice it to say I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to drive because I will have no choice but to drive once we’ve moved into our new place.

Hmm. I thought this article was going to be about moving, but it’s turning out to be more about driving. I guess the two go hand in hand for me because the whole reason I started driving again after a long hiatus is that I knew we might relocate too far from an el stop to walk there. And that’s what happened.

I want to say here that I adore our new condo. It’s on the first floor, so I don’t have to walk upstairs to it with my knee replacements. And we have a patio! Most importantly, though, we own it, we’re not renting! Also, I have to remind myself that I’ve had a problem with driving for years; the relocation to the condo didn’t trigger this. There are plenty of places I go to now that I can’t reach with the el and it’s been a problem.

What’s especially hard is that driving makes me really anxious, but I can’t take an as-needed tranquilizer for anxiety before I drive. I have thought that it wouldn’t hurt to take half of a milligram a half hour before I drive, but I would feel terrible if something happened. (Of course, I’d feel terrible if something happened anyway.) However, plenty of people have a drink 45 minutes before they drive, and I don’t even drink!

What brought this all to a head was that last week when I drove to therapy, while I was making a left turn on a green light, I almost hit someone who was crossing the street. No one was hurt and I hadn’t taken a tranquilizer beforehand. But I sobbed in my therapist’s office.

I don’t know what to do about this problem with driving. It’s gotten to the point where I dread driving to see my therapist on Monday all weekend. That’s right. All. Weekend. I know I need help, but my therapist and my psychiatric nurse practitioner (NP) aren’t much help at all. For one thing, they’re both against me needing a tranquilizer for anything, let alone driving, even though I have generalized anxiety disorder along with schizoaffective disorder. If you have any ideas, please leave them in the comments. For this article, I’m the one who needs help. I’m falling apart at a time when I am also happy.

Winter Solstice Prayer

As the sun set over the shortest day of the year, beckoning the longest night, I prayed to Mother Mary to let the rays of light of the birth of the Sun shed new light onto struggles I've been dealing with. Amen and Blessed Be.

Holiday Card

 

This is my favorite picture I've taken all year. I took it in San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury last spring. This Winter Solstice, don't forget to Let Your Freak Flag Fly!