grains
of shadow and light
blown up
exploded, blown out of proportion, to make
a face
your face
my face is nothing but a million trillion grains on a negative (remember those?)
coalescing, no, conjuring into being, this weird fleshy mass with weird wet spots and air vents that I call my face
I have been conjured into being
a swirl of grains dancing their primordial, galactic swirl into form, the form of what you foolishly think of as solid: yourself
I am here to tell you that you are not yourself
oh, really, mother, doctor, well-meaning friend, psych ward staff, then who am I?
never mind that. It's trite. Unless you've ever been locked up before. Well, I have, and I still know I don't want to play that card. So why don't I delete it?
I am here to tell you, mother, doctor, well-meaning friend, psych ward staff, that you are not yourselves
your first problem is that you think you end where the space around you begins
you don't realize that the air is TP-ed and cobwebbed with shooting synaptic connections and your very "edges" dissolve into the space around you, like an aroma
I have senses I've been told don't exist. Well, fuck you, what if I told you your sense of smell didn't exist?
What if...
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I like you so much I talk to everyone but you
I was studying at the Rhode Island School of Design while George
Harrison's son Dhani was at Brown. I was friends with a girl at Brown
who lived on Dhani's floor. My friends back in Chicago thought I was
"in."
This situation severely stressed me out. All my good friends assumed I'd arrange a way to meet Dhani Harrison because I'm obsessed with the Beatles, but the obsession was exactly the reason I did not want to go anywhere near him. For one thing, I much preferred to spin my Beatle fantasies without the crude interruption of who they really were. They had always been this faraway, if-only fairyland fantasy folk for me, and-- seemingly at the last minute-- I discovered I did not, under any circumstances, want to get too close to the reality because that would have to mean surrenduring the cherished fantasy. For another thing, honestly, what was I going to say to the kid? How sexy I thought his dad was? (Although Harrison the Younger is pretty sexy in his own right: think Gen X version of his Beatle dad.)
But my Chicago friends will never let me live down the fact that while I was at the Rhode Island School of Design, I did not set designs (no pun intended) on Dhani before I transferred to The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. The part of me that did want to meet him had always thought, "Oh, well, I'm sure we'll meet at some point" because you see my transfer to SAIC was rather abrupt and therefore not even in my five-year-plan a month before I left RISD. While settling back in Chicago after the fact and taking shit from my friends, the part of me that wanted to meet Dhani also thought, "Maybe Dhani will transfer to Northwestern."
Now Dhani is married to an ex-model/psychologist with fantastic legs and I am married to the wonderful, wonderful man I call T on this blog. I did meet Ted Turner's son at RISD, and I was an ass so maybe it's a good thing I didn't meet Dhani anyway.
"I like you so much I talk to everyone but you..." --Ani Difranco
This situation severely stressed me out. All my good friends assumed I'd arrange a way to meet Dhani Harrison because I'm obsessed with the Beatles, but the obsession was exactly the reason I did not want to go anywhere near him. For one thing, I much preferred to spin my Beatle fantasies without the crude interruption of who they really were. They had always been this faraway, if-only fairyland fantasy folk for me, and-- seemingly at the last minute-- I discovered I did not, under any circumstances, want to get too close to the reality because that would have to mean surrenduring the cherished fantasy. For another thing, honestly, what was I going to say to the kid? How sexy I thought his dad was? (Although Harrison the Younger is pretty sexy in his own right: think Gen X version of his Beatle dad.)
But my Chicago friends will never let me live down the fact that while I was at the Rhode Island School of Design, I did not set designs (no pun intended) on Dhani before I transferred to The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. The part of me that did want to meet him had always thought, "Oh, well, I'm sure we'll meet at some point" because you see my transfer to SAIC was rather abrupt and therefore not even in my five-year-plan a month before I left RISD. While settling back in Chicago after the fact and taking shit from my friends, the part of me that wanted to meet Dhani also thought, "Maybe Dhani will transfer to Northwestern."
Now Dhani is married to an ex-model/psychologist with fantastic legs and I am married to the wonderful, wonderful man I call T on this blog. I did meet Ted Turner's son at RISD, and I was an ass so maybe it's a good thing I didn't meet Dhani anyway.
"I like you so much I talk to everyone but you..." --Ani Difranco
Friday, November 9, 2012
ALL THE DRAMA THAT YOU CRAVE: THE FACEBOOK POSTS
About You
one
of the bravest grrrls alive. salinger-esque. former waitress. former
retail whore. schizo-affective. feminist. grrrl. photographer. writer.
ear with feet/ tori-phile. aries. 33. married. secretary. cat lover.
pro-choice. activist. non-breeder. reader. collector of books. raging
insomniac. coffee addict (aren't we all?) occasional indulger in pinot
grigio. non-smoker. I kept my "maiden" name when I married. mentholated
cherry cough drop addict. bad housekeeper who can't cook (I am not
proud.)
blog: http://thelightinnovember.blogspot.com/
REVOLUTION GRRRL STYLE NOW!
"What does not kill us makes us stranger" -- the animated series Aeon Flux
blog: http://thelightinnovember.blogspot.com/
REVOLUTION GRRRL STYLE NOW!
"What does not kill us makes us stranger" -- the animated series Aeon Flux
Basic Info
| Website | |
|---|---|
| Networks |
Columbia College, SAIC
|
Favorite Quotations
"Nothing is ever the same as they said it was. It's what I've never seen before that I recognize." --Diane Arbus
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." --Gloria Steinem
"When you're going through Hell, keep going." --Winston Churchill
"If you don't change direction, you may end up where you are headed" --Lao Tzu
"God doesn't ask us to do great things. He asks us to do small things with great love." --Mother Teresa
"Belief in Mysteries, any manner of Mysteries, is the only lasting luxury in life." --Mrs. Fortune, from "The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
"Sometimes bein' happy, baby, is what I'm most afraid of..." --Bikini Kill
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." --Truman Capote
"Good judgement comes from experience, which comes from bad judgement." --a sign at a restaurant
"Hell hath no fury like the day I was born" --Courtney Love
"... if he ever saw it, it was through these eyes of mine/ and if he ever suffered it was me who did his crying" --Concrete Blonde
"This living, this living, this living/ was never a project of mine..." --Dorothy Parker
"My heart is sick of being in chains" -- Tori Amos
"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" --Tennessee Williams
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." --Gloria Steinem
"When you're going through Hell, keep going." --Winston Churchill
"If you don't change direction, you may end up where you are headed" --Lao Tzu
"God doesn't ask us to do great things. He asks us to do small things with great love." --Mother Teresa
"Belief in Mysteries, any manner of Mysteries, is the only lasting luxury in life." --Mrs. Fortune, from "The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
"Sometimes bein' happy, baby, is what I'm most afraid of..." --Bikini Kill
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." --Truman Capote
"Good judgement comes from experience, which comes from bad judgement." --a sign at a restaurant
"Hell hath no fury like the day I was born" --Courtney Love
"... if he ever saw it, it was through these eyes of mine/ and if he ever suffered it was me who did his crying" --Concrete Blonde
"This living, this living, this living/ was never a project of mine..." --Dorothy Parker
"My heart is sick of being in chains" -- Tori Amos
"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" --Tennessee Williams
liking not being a smoker
on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 4:42pm ·
OK,
so I'm a week shy of having not smoked a cigarette for three months,
but I still have cravings for cigarettes. But this happy new thing is
happening: I REALLY LIKE being a non-smoker. I just like everything
about it: mostly not being "hooked on something," as my Uncle Buddy
would put it. So now, when I want a cigarette, I think about how much I
like being a non-smoker, and then I don't want one. Isn't that great?
Come on, you know you all wanna tell me how great that is! ;)
applicable albums
on Sunday, April 29, 2012 at 12:56pm ·
of my life...
Little Earthquakes-- Tori Amos
Automatic For the People-- REM
of the year...
Amrita... All These and the Japanese Soup Warriors-- Loop Guru
Scarlet's Walk-- Tori Amos
Biophilia-- Bjork
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness-- Smashing Pumpkins
the soundtrack to Yellow Submarine-- The Beatles
of peace...
Year of Meteors-- Laura Veirs
I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One-- Yo La Tengo
Siamese Dream-- Smashing Pumpkins
Among My Swan-- Mazzy Star
Flood-- They Might Be Giants
Homogenic-- Bjork
To Venus and Back-- Tori Amos
Out of Range-- Ani Difranco
White Chalk-- PJ Harvey
The White Album-- The Beatles
Pussy Whipped-- Bikini Kill
of love...
Post-- Bjork
Nine Objects of Desire-- Suzanne Vega
Vespertine-- Bjork
Dear Sir-- Cat Power
Not a Pretty Girl-- Ani Difranco
Geek the Girl-- Lisa Germano
Last Exit-- Traffic
Axis: Bold as Love-- Jimi Hendrix
Ziggy Stardust-- David Bowie
Exile On Main Street-- Rolling Stones
Dig Me Out-- Sleater-Kinney
Jewel-- Cranes
Be OK-- Ingrid Michaelson
Blood Pressures-- The Kills
of chaos...
Let It Bleed-- Rolling Stones
Requiem Mass-- Mozart
Plastic Ono Band-- John Lennon
All Hands On the Bad One-- Sleater-Kinney
The Passion of Joan of Arc-- Voices of Light
Plague Mass-- Diamanda Galas
Loved-- Cranes
of 1994...
So Tonight That I Might See-- Mazzy Star
Live Through This-- Hole
Monster-- REM
Pretty On the Inside-- Hole
Storm in Heaven-- Verve
Surrealistic Pillow-- Jefferson Airplane
Incesticide-- Nirvana
99.9 F Degrees-- Suzanne Vega
of art...
She Hangs Brightly-- Mazzy Star
Atom Heart Mother-- Pink Floyd
Crosby, Stills and Nash-- Crosby Stills and Nash
After Bathing at Baxter's-- Jefferson Airplane
Happiness-- Lisa Germano
Boys For Pele-- Tori Amos
of magical thinking...
Songs of Love and Hate-- Leonard Cohen
From the Choirgirl Hotel-- Tori Amos
Ray of Light-- Madonna
4 Track Demos-- PJ Harvey
Piper At the Gates of Dawn-- Pink Floyd
Strange Little Girls-- Tori Amos
Dry-- PJ Harvey
Revolver-- The Beatles
Saltbreakers-- Laura Veirs
No Wow-- The Kills
Little Earthquakes-- Tori Amos
Automatic For the People-- REM
of the year...
Amrita... All These and the Japanese Soup Warriors-- Loop Guru
Scarlet's Walk-- Tori Amos
Biophilia-- Bjork
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness-- Smashing Pumpkins
the soundtrack to Yellow Submarine-- The Beatles
of peace...
Year of Meteors-- Laura Veirs
I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One-- Yo La Tengo
Siamese Dream-- Smashing Pumpkins
Among My Swan-- Mazzy Star
Flood-- They Might Be Giants
Homogenic-- Bjork
To Venus and Back-- Tori Amos
Out of Range-- Ani Difranco
White Chalk-- PJ Harvey
The White Album-- The Beatles
Pussy Whipped-- Bikini Kill
of love...
Post-- Bjork
Nine Objects of Desire-- Suzanne Vega
Vespertine-- Bjork
Dear Sir-- Cat Power
Not a Pretty Girl-- Ani Difranco
Geek the Girl-- Lisa Germano
Last Exit-- Traffic
Axis: Bold as Love-- Jimi Hendrix
Ziggy Stardust-- David Bowie
Exile On Main Street-- Rolling Stones
Dig Me Out-- Sleater-Kinney
Jewel-- Cranes
Be OK-- Ingrid Michaelson
Blood Pressures-- The Kills
of chaos...
Let It Bleed-- Rolling Stones
Requiem Mass-- Mozart
Plastic Ono Band-- John Lennon
All Hands On the Bad One-- Sleater-Kinney
The Passion of Joan of Arc-- Voices of Light
Plague Mass-- Diamanda Galas
Loved-- Cranes
of 1994...
So Tonight That I Might See-- Mazzy Star
Live Through This-- Hole
Monster-- REM
Pretty On the Inside-- Hole
Storm in Heaven-- Verve
Surrealistic Pillow-- Jefferson Airplane
Incesticide-- Nirvana
99.9 F Degrees-- Suzanne Vega
of art...
She Hangs Brightly-- Mazzy Star
Atom Heart Mother-- Pink Floyd
Crosby, Stills and Nash-- Crosby Stills and Nash
After Bathing at Baxter's-- Jefferson Airplane
Happiness-- Lisa Germano
Boys For Pele-- Tori Amos
of magical thinking...
Songs of Love and Hate-- Leonard Cohen
From the Choirgirl Hotel-- Tori Amos
Ray of Light-- Madonna
4 Track Demos-- PJ Harvey
Piper At the Gates of Dawn-- Pink Floyd
Strange Little Girls-- Tori Amos
Dry-- PJ Harvey
Revolver-- The Beatles
Saltbreakers-- Laura Veirs
No Wow-- The Kills
becoming a feminist
on Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 5:42pm ·
OK,
so I was 7 when in 1986 I started questioning gender roles and
challenging them, but I didn't realized that could be called feminism
until I was 11 and got really into the activism of the late '60s/ early
'70s, and then when I was 12. I (attempted to) read "The Feminine
Mystique." I pretty much considered myself a full-blown feminist by the
end of my freshman year of high school.
--the brevity of this is due to the fact that I originally wanted to put it under "changed beliefs" on my timeline, but "they" didn't "think" "a feminist" was a proper response to the field "became," so I'm posting it here instead
Maybe I considered myself a full-fledged feminist by the end of 8th grade, because the 8th grade yearbook, in the part where they said what we'd be when we grew up, said I'd be a women's rights activist. Also, I remember this really really sad incident when I was 15 and my mom would let my brother walk around alone at night but she wouldn't let me do it, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I was a girl, and I said that was sexist and she said, "That's the way the world is." I knew she was right, and it made me realize for the first time that it wasn't my mom who was sexist or my school that was sexist; I thought to myself, "there will never be true equality until a girl can walk around alone at night without being afraid" and I knew that wouldn't happen for awhile, and, as you can imagine, it really bummed me out... it still bums me out! I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but that's when I realized we live in a rape culture.
--the brevity of this is due to the fact that I originally wanted to put it under "changed beliefs" on my timeline, but "they" didn't "think" "a feminist" was a proper response to the field "became," so I'm posting it here instead
Maybe I considered myself a full-fledged feminist by the end of 8th grade, because the 8th grade yearbook, in the part where they said what we'd be when we grew up, said I'd be a women's rights activist. Also, I remember this really really sad incident when I was 15 and my mom would let my brother walk around alone at night but she wouldn't let me do it, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I was a girl, and I said that was sexist and she said, "That's the way the world is." I knew she was right, and it made me realize for the first time that it wasn't my mom who was sexist or my school that was sexist; I thought to myself, "there will never be true equality until a girl can walk around alone at night without being afraid" and I knew that wouldn't happen for awhile, and, as you can imagine, it really bummed me out... it still bums me out! I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but that's when I realized we live in a rape culture.
more favorite song lyrics
on Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 5:40pm ·
entire lyrics to "Driving" by PJ Harvey, off of "4-Track Demos"
"My little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city moon tonight
my little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city" --The Kills
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need" --Rolling Stones
"If I took you darlin'
into the caverns of my heart
would you light the lamp, dear?
would you light the lamp, dear?
and see fish with no eyes
bats with their heads
hanging down to the ground
would you still come around?
would you still
come around?" --Laura Veirs
"To the passing eye
I've been known to fly
it's a matter of breath
and life
and death
and riding the will of the sky..." --Rose Polenzani
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Help me in my weakness
'cause I've fallen out of grace
Jesus
Jesus
--Velvet Underground
"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it"
--Alanis Morissette
"... he was high on intellectualism
I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice"
--Sheryl Crow
"My little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city moon tonight
my little sister's eyes were so wide
they must've been the size of the city" --The Kills
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need" --Rolling Stones
"If I took you darlin'
into the caverns of my heart
would you light the lamp, dear?
would you light the lamp, dear?
and see fish with no eyes
bats with their heads
hanging down to the ground
would you still come around?
would you still
come around?" --Laura Veirs
"To the passing eye
I've been known to fly
it's a matter of breath
and life
and death
and riding the will of the sky..." --Rose Polenzani
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Jesus
Help me find my proper place
Help me in my weakness
'cause I've fallen out of grace
Jesus
Jesus
--Velvet Underground
"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it"
--Alanis Morissette
"... he was high on intellectualism
I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice"
--Sheryl Crow
Thursday, November 8, 2012
NO MORE FACEBOOK DRAMA!!!!
I posted the following as my facebook status update yesterday:
I thought my fb friends should know I am seriously considering deleting my facebook account in the next few days. I'm trying to get rid of things in my life that stress me out for no good reason, and fb is one of them. I am not going to respond to any comments or questions regarding this post b/c that's exactly the thing I'm sick of. Just know that you shouldn't be worried about me
I thought my fb friends should know I am seriously considering deleting my facebook account in the next few days. I'm trying to get rid of things in my life that stress me out for no good reason, and fb is one of them. I am not going to respond to any comments or questions regarding this post b/c that's exactly the thing I'm sick of. Just know that you shouldn't be worried about me
because even though this may seem sudden, I've been thinking about it
for a long time and I think it'll be really positive for me and for my
photography (I feel like my attitude toward my art is extremely stifled
by considering posting on fb.) I am not personally angry or annoyed at
anyone or anyone's comments/questions in particular, I am just sick of
the type of interaction that fb facilitates.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this. to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -- James 1:27
<3
Big and Strong
After reading my last entry, I feel the need to update. Okay, so big changes have been happening with me because of the Reawakening of the Goddess, most notably quitting smoking. But other changes have been happening that I couldn't have imagined. I wrote this on my facebook wall last night: "[T] said, 'You know I think you're beautiful, but YOU have to think you're beautiful.' I've decided to embrace being a full-figured woman. Let's put some of that feminism to work for ME!" Okay, so I have been exercising more and reducing my sugar intake, but I decided that's for my health, most notably so I don't get diabetes, which happens so often on the medications I'm on. It's hard, but if I quit smoking, I can do this. And that keeps me from starting smoking again: I don't want to lose that feeling of, "If I quit smoking, I can do anything." Anyway, the point is, the other night I was crying about being fat and then I did something I've never done. Instead of resolving to join Weight Watchers for the fifth time, I popped in a Margaret Cho DVD ("I'm the One That I Want") and by the end of her act I felt ashamed at my weakness in bowing to the mainstream media's stupid demand that everyone be skinny, and if you're not skinny, it goes without saying that you want to lose weight. I felt weak for not accepting myself for who I am. And I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. BIG and strong! I think I'm finally on the path to self-love. And if a woman loving herself for who she really is isn't a major feminist reawakening, then I don't know what is.
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