Ugly as Sin

twisted and grotesque
ugly as sin
miserable as the day is long
and, believe me, Sister, it is long

but sometimes She fills me through with Her light
Her light that is like wings made of panes of glass and late afternoon sun
never mind the long shadows

I have known such ecstasy
I should never forget that
but I do
I do forget it, I mean

I am the color of leaves on the trees illuminated by street lamps in summer
I am the color of an ocean that thinks it is the sky
I am the color of sapphires and diamonds
and of the scratched steel of dented dog tags
dented like so many mess hall or mental institution soup spoons
but I still wear them
because I'm not done fighting yet

I am the color of the light in November
yellow and brief and swirling with tinsel
and as the snow falls through the thin yet palpable sunlight, I realize
I am not ugly as sin
the world is not ugly as sin
She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...

and then, I feel nothing
and then, I am buried


She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...
that I needn't let my past mistakes bury me
that I'm not dead

She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...
that She is me
that She is inside me
that She lives within me
that She is me
She is everything beautiful, alive, and light

as am I
even at my ugliest
because sometimes that's where the fight takes me
and the fight is probably the most beautiful thing of all

Turkey Day

Text Message Breakup

I am writing while listening to "Automatic for the People" by REM

Maybe I should listen to something new, like Lady Gaga. Or something new that I actually already own, like The Kills, Laura Veirs, the Moldy Peaches (well, relatively new) or Ingrid Michaelson. It's kind of sad when you catch yourself considering all music that's come out since after you were in high school "new."

But, speaking of music, Tori Amos recently came out with a breath-taking new album called "Night of Hunters." When I listen to it, I frequently toy with the idea that it's the best thing she's done since "Boys for Pele." I'm serious.

I just got off the phone with one of my friends who happens to be Muslim, and he says the reason many Muslim women wear a covering over their hair is to emulate the Christian Mother Mary, or at least they are following the same ancient Arabic tradition regarding female modesty that she was following (because she, as everyone knows, was Arabic, not Aryan. Duh! :P) In Islam, Jesus Christ is considered to be one of a very few great prophets the world has ever seen.

Okay, I probably shouldn't write what I'm about to write because I'll probably get in a lot of trouble, and I don't like trouble, but I won't respect myself if I don't get this out. So here goes:

I am a Roman Catholic Christian. During the Second Vatican Counsel, Pope John Paul II and others decided that each religion has its own glimpse of the divine, and that Jesus Christ is ours.

So if someone worships Allah, the Goddess, or Yahweh, they aren't going to Hell, because that's their glimpse of the divine.

A lot of Christians-- and Christianity-bashers-- conveniently overlook this. I went to Catholic grade school, and I didn't know about it until I was an adult and my church's pastor told me.

Jesus is a God of Love. He isn't chomping at the bit to send everyone to Hell. The Church teaches that there is only one God. To me, that means that Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, the Goddess, Buddha, etc. are all faces of an unfathomable being or energy. A nun friend I was recently speaking with says "all gods being one" is why Buddhist teachings are so similar to Jesus' teachings. Jesus and Buddha are the same. They are both faces of the same, one God. At any rate, "there is only one God" surely does not mean "we're right and the rest of you are wrong"? Do we have a petty, schoolyard bully God?

Also, if you think lesbian/gay/bi/transsexual (LGBT) people are going to Hell, think again: there's a Catholic church in my city where almost all of the congregation is gay, and the pastor who told me about each religion having their own glimpse of the divine recently complimented me on my "straight but not narrow" bumper sticker.(Okay, maybe the bumper sticker example is kind of lame, but I still think it gets my point across.)

Christians like to say that God is mysterious. Then why do so many of them claim to know everything about Him, to the point where everyone who doesn't agree with them about Him is going to burn in Hell for eternity after they die?

The Orange M'n'M

Oh, God, help me
stop me from disappearing
Oh, Lord, have mercy on me
don't let this thing
eat me alive

I dropped an orange M'n'M
off the top of the Empire State Building
and I think it landed on a guy's head
he was covered in chocolate

I ran downstairs
and through the doors of the Empire State Building
out into the street
and licked all the chocolate off of his body

and then we sat in his apartment and I fed him grapes until he agreed not to contact the authorities

or until I died
I can't remember which

this thing, this thing
with teeth like ivory blades and red foaming eyes of fear
is eating me alive
like I'm an orange M'n'M

I don't know anything
I want to be cool and controversial
but instead I am scared and secretive

"your silence will not protect you"
I think that my silence will protect me
I really think it will

because some things
are none of anybody's goddam business

pictures from Door County, August, 2011

Thumbs Up for Rock and Roll!

This is a video from YouTube.