I love my Immaculate Medal of Mary
Because she comes from the dark
Shining with the silver moon
I used to think she was the dark feminine
Or that I could pretend she was, if I
Wanted her to be
But now I think
She has emerged from her darkness
Like from so much dirty bathwater
Like me, like me
I wonder what she could teach me?
This entry is part Christmas card, part catching you up with my mental health. We just received our first Christmas card in the mail yesterday, so I guess it’s time we’re doing this!
Another Holiday Season is upon us, and that means, starting with Thanksgiving, another anniversary of my first psychotic episode in 1998. I had delusions and auditory hallucinations (voices)--the works. I was not violent; most psychotic people aren’t. People with a mental health condition are far more likely to be the victims of violence than the perpetrators.
This year, I decided to buy myself a present for how far I’ve come since my first psychotic break. I ordered a Columbia College Chicago hoodie because I earned my master’s degree in photography there after completing my Bachelor of Fine Arts from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. I went through a lot to earn my degrees and was very proud of myself when I walked across the stage in each case for photos and the spirited applause of my family. All this is to say that getting my BFA and Master of Fine Arts degree (ARTMASTER!) was a big achievement and a testament to how far I’d come by then since my first psychotic episode.
Another reason I bought myself the hoodie was to reward myself for driving to and from physical therapy for four weeks, despite my anxiety about driving. I ordered another round of physical therapy, so maybe I’ll have to get another hoodie! At any rate, I am going to buy myself a meaningful present for the anniversary of my first psychotic break from now on.
Aside from generally having trouble with the holidays, things are going well. My recovery from that follow-up knee surgery is going well. In January, Tom and I moved into our new condo, and we still love it after our first year living there! And the picture at the top of this piece is from the Renaissance Faire last summer. We went twice. We usually only go once a summer, but after the success of this summer’s visits, we’re thinking of getting a season pass next year! I get lots of great photographs there and this is my favorite picture that I took of anything all year.
Other highlights--in April my mom and I spent quality time with my brother Billy’s family in California, and then the both of us enjoyed mother/daughter time in Door County in May.
I guess the only bad thing that happened was that I broke my right knee overusing stairs, and then while that knee was healing the left knee replacement got damaged from overdependence and I ended up needing surgery. Even with an optimal recovery, all of that took a big toll on my mental health.
Like my life, like my moods, it was a year of peaks and valleys.
Happy Holidays!
Cigarettes and lipstick and nighttime and the color pink
Silver wallpaper
Heroin chic
Where did the time go?
CD cellophane shiny
And eyeliner, and eyeliner, and eyeliner
Dazzle and crushes on stupid boys who didn’t have the balls for a girl like me
Kill the precious object
Smash the guitar (‘cause it’s cool)
Stab the notebook with a pen until the pen breaks
Dazzle and crushes and burn up that love letter
With a cigarette
