ghost girl

Sometimes i feel like the ghost of myself, haunting old places that used to have meaning they no longer have. i've been in the same place for so long now that different eras of my life, different selves are layered in a fine mist that builds up into a fog upon this town and glimpses of the past show through the cracks between the trees and houses like bits of old, peeling wallpaper; like falling autumn leaves.

on being a woman of size

I am a woman of size. I'm still not used to being this way. I am this way because of psychiatric medication. I think that's why it bothers me. I'm not "supposed" to be this way, I feel. It's the medication's "fault."

While I acknowledge and am grateful that these medications allow people like me to lead normal lives and to thrive in the world, part of me does feel like it's cruel to give people who already feel bad about themselves medications that cause this much weight gain. But they make medications that don't cause weight gain. On me, those medications don't seem to work as well. I'm even on a separate medication that is supposed to prevent weight gain.

The last paragraph was thinking in terms of "it's bad to be overweight." I think I may be afraid to think "off the grid" in terms of weight (ie, "who says it's bad to be overweight?") because I don't want to let the medication off the hook. This may be somewhat reasonable, but I take the medication for a reason. Maybe it's time to accept myself (my self) as overweight, and stop letting a culture that denigrates people of size off  the hook. I'm not doing myself any favors by NOT letting the medication off the hook while continuing to take the medication.

The Girl WIth The Red Hair Really Needs To Shave Her Fucking Armpits

Why I Did Not Participate in Slut Walk

In case you haven't heard about it, Slut Walk is kind of like Take Back the Night. It's a walk against rape, and a walk against the idea that women are responsible for getting raped by dressing like or being "sluts." It started in Toronto and went global. It was mentioned on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit last night (this may have been a re-run) so I wanted to clarify why I, as a feminist, didn't participate in the Chicago Slut Walk.
While I agree with Slut Walk's premise of being anti-rape, anti-victim-blaming, and anti-slut-shaming, I did not wish to affiliate myself with the word "slut." It's my own personal choice. Yes, I'm glad Madonna made it OK for girls to like sex. Yes, I cheer Margaret Cho on in her "slut pride." But for myself, I personally choose not to associate with that word.

Forgive me, but I thought one of the points of feminism was for women to sleep with whomever they wanted WITHOUT being called "sluts." Now, I know feminists are reclaiming the word. And it's nothing new-- feminists Kathleen Hanna and Naomi Wolf were using the "s" word over 20 years ago. But a word on reclaiming insults: only the insulted group is allowed to participate in reclaiming the word. In this way, are the Slut Walkers preaching to the choir, and alienating potential recruits? Hell, I'm on their side, and they alienated me. Another problem with reclaiming words is similar to the problem with liking a bad band or getting an ugly tattoo to be ironic: maybe others in your clique get it, but the bottom line is you're paying money for crappy music and/or have a ridiculously ugly tattoo. I also fear this is going to come back at women the same way free love came back at women: i.e., just another ploy in a man's box of tricks to coerce unwilling women into bed. (My mother tells me stories of men saying to her, "Come on, baby, don't you believe in free love?" What's next? "Come on, baby, aren't you a liberated slut?") And seriously, how do women marching down the street in fishnets and stilettos actually challenge the patriarchy?

If we're going to reclaim words, what about reclaiming the word "prude?" What about, as Robin Morgan wrote about in the introduction to Sisterhood is Powerful in the early 1970s, it being okay for women not to like sex? Or, at least, to only like it with the right person or people? What about not doing exactly what the Christian right is doing, which is centering women's and girls' emancipation and dignity squarely on who they do or do not sleep with? What about not teaching young girls that the way to be most visible as a feminist is to be "slutty?" Do we, as feminists, really want to help encourage the virgin/whore dichotomy in our culture-- which is bad enough as it is-- by being the whores to the religious right's virgins?

I'm as against slut-shaming as the next feminist. But I would rather see women and girls sleep with people they want to sleep with, for desire for those people and not so they can prove to the world that "women can fuck like men do." Also, I appreciate that this is the only kind of feminist consciousness-raising getting any appreciable visibility right now. But I think the fact that "Slut Walk" is the only visible feminism going on shows what deep water feminism is in.  And as long as other feminists keep labeling their marches things like "Slut Walk," they can count this feminist out.

Quiting Smoking Playlist/ Mix CD

Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
Moon-- Bjork
Bouncing Off Clouds-- Tori Amos ("make this easy, make this easy, it's not as heavy as it seems")
Ooh La La-- The Faces ("I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger")
Keep On Livin'-- Le Tigre ("this is your life this is your time and this is your life this is your time...")
Everybody Hurts-- REM ("...don't blow your hand...")
Why-- Annie Lennox
Crystalline-- Bjork
This Island-- Le Tigre ("stop smoking those cigarettes, baby!")
Galaxies-- Laura Veirs
Spark-- Tori Amos ("she's addicted to nicotine patches...")
Rock In This Pocket (Song of David)-- Suzanne Vega
Walking On Broken Glass-- Annie Lennox
Mind Games-- John Lennon (" 'yes' is surrender... you gotta let go")
Hung Up-- Madonna ("I'm hanging up on you")
Crush-- Smashing Pumpkins
Sheikh-- Loop Guru
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs ("don't let yourself be lost")

On a Walk

A Nightstand and a Window