Can a Person with Schizoaffective Disorder Have a Successful Marriage?

 

I am writing this on the weekend of the 18^th anniversary of meeting my husband Tom in person. I say “in person” because we met online, as so many in our generation (the tail end of Generation X) and in later generations do.

I could have just said it was our first date, but the way we met online is so humorous. We discovered each other on a social networking site called MySpace. It was one of the fledgling social networking sites that launched before Facebook. I had had my MySpace page locked (no one could see it besides my friends) but randomly decided to unlock it. That was right when Tom decided to search the site for photographers, and I had just earned my master’s degree in photography from Columbia College Chicago. My page was covered with banners from the Rape,Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) and other mental health-related organizations. But Tom stumbled upon my page and noticed we liked the same music. Then he sent me a characteristically to-the-point message asking if I had ever been raped (I answered no). And, then, he asked if I had a mental illness and I said I had bipolar disorder, shorthand for my schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. When I first meet people, I tend to say I have bipolar disorder instead of going into the more specific diagnosis because I feel people are more initially threatened by the “schizo” aspect of things.

So, our first date arrived on February 1, 2007. We met at a sushi restaurant in between the Chicago suburbs where we both lived. I liked that he lived so close. He had sent me a picture. He never uses pictures of himself on social media, he often uses drawings he’s made. I had my profile picture that he had already seen.  I had just read A Return to Modesty by the neo-conservative author Wendy Shalit. It’s a book that convinced me to not jump into bed with any guy I had just met. Moreover, it inspired me to save myself for a guy who respected me and who just quite simply made me feel good–not just sexually, but emotionally, although the two are related, for me anyway. I had not been on a date with anyone in over a year before I met Tom. Even before meeting him, I thought very highly of him.

On our second or third date, Tom came to the house where I lived with my parents. What really impressed me was that our cat George liked him so much he jumped right up on his shoulders! In fact, that sealed the deal for me.

What’s our secret? Well, sometimes my great Great Aunt Elsie would grab Tom by the neck in a German grandma’s vice grip, pull him down to her level, and ask him, “Do you still love her?” and Tom would say, “Yes, Aunt Elsie, of course, I still love her.” She would respond, “Good. Because she takes a lot of patience! This I know!” So Tom and I decided our secret is patience. I have that engraved on the inside of my 10th wedding anniversary band (which Tom actually gave me at our 6th anniversary. He’s always early with presents.)

Tom and I celebrate both Valentine’s Day and our first-date anniversaries together, since they’re so close to each other. This year, it was hectic because we’re still moving into our new condo, but we are going to see a play about the iconic artist Frida Kahlo for Valentine’s Day. We trust each other, we respect each other, and of course we love each other. As Tori Amos once sang, “The sexiest thing is trust.”