My husband, Tom, and I are moving! We’re not moving very far; we’re going to a place within our same suburb just north of Chicago. We’ve lived in our current apartment for 15 years, so there’s a lot of stuff to sort through. It’s been hard… but it’s also been good because the sorting keeps me busy.
We won’t be living near the el anymore, so I’ll have to drive to places I used to rely on the el to reach, such as therapy. I have been practicing driving a lot, but I’m terrified of driving in the snow, even though I drive a Subaru SUV. (Chicago is notorious for its terrible winters—the whole Midwest is.) Also, I currently live within walking distance from my parents’ house; I actually park my car in their garage. Suffice it to say I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to drive because I will have no choice but to drive once we’ve moved into our new place.
Hmm. I thought this article was going to be about moving, but it’s turning out to be more about driving. I guess the two go hand in hand for me because the whole reason I started driving again after a long hiatus is that I knew we might relocate too far from an el stop to walk there. And that’s what happened.
I want to say here that I adore our new condo. It’s on the first floor, so I don’t have to walk upstairs to it with my knee replacements. And we have a patio! Most importantly, though, we own it, we’re not renting! Also, I have to remind myself that I’ve had a problem with driving for years; the relocation to the condo didn’t trigger this. There are plenty of places I go to now that I can’t reach with the el and it’s been a problem.
What’s especially hard is that driving makes me really anxious, but I can’t take an as-needed tranquilizer for anxiety before I drive. I have thought that it wouldn’t hurt to take half of a milligram a half hour before I drive, but I would feel terrible if something happened. (Of course, I’d feel terrible if something happened anyway.) However, plenty of people have a drink 45 minutes before they drive, and I don’t even drink!
What brought this all to a head was that last week when I drove to therapy, while I was making a left turn on a green light, I almost hit someone who was crossing the street. No one was hurt and I hadn’t taken a tranquilizer beforehand. But I sobbed in my therapist’s office.
I don’t know what to do about this problem with driving. It’s gotten to the point where I dread driving to see my therapist on Monday all weekend. That’s right. All. Weekend. I know I need help, but my therapist and my psychiatric nurse practitioner (NP) aren’t much help at all. For one thing, they’re both against me needing a tranquilizer for anything, let alone driving, even though I have generalized anxiety disorder along with schizoaffective disorder. If you have any ideas, please leave them in the comments. For this article, I’m the one who needs help. I’m falling apart at a time when I am also happy.
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