NAMI Walk 2025

 

Tommy and me at NAMI Walk 2025! Thanks so much to everyone who donated. My big takeaway from the whole experience was to check my self-stigma, ableism, and fatphobia. And they had buttons!

Peace, Elizabeth

 

Dear Readers,

I am writing to let you know that on October 28, 2025, I will be getting my third surgery on my left knee. The first one was for a meniscus tear, the second was for my knee replacement, and the one I’m getting soon will be for a repair on my knee replacement. My doctor and I don’t know how it got broken.

I’m trying very hard to be positive about this. Hopefully after my knee heals it won’t be in the same amount of pain that I’m in now. Also, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to use stairs the way I did before a piece of the replacement broke. In fact, using stairs more normally is the main reason I’m getting the surgery. So, I don’t have to get this surgery. This is my choice.

Even though it’s my choice, it’s still weighing very heavily on me. It’s been hard for me to write. It’s been hard for me to write this. Since I scheduled the surgery with my doctor, Tommy and I celebrated our 17^th wedding anniversary, and that was beautiful and fun. A picture from that night is at the top of this letter—our stuffed cat George photobombed the picture! And we are looking forward to our NAMI Walk which is coming up very soon.

So, yeah, basically the point of this letter is FYI. I didn’t want to write this because I was afraid it would be too painful. But now that I have, I’m glad I did.

Thank you for reading.

Peace, Elizabeth

P.S. Happy first day of Fall! 

Schizoaffective Anxiety Over Driving Continues

I was making a lot of progress with my driving, but now I seem to have slipped back. Here’s what happened.

I haven’t lost so much ground that I am back to where I started when I was driving to the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). I’m pretty confident driving the 10 minutes to my parents’ house. But, for some reason, I’m afraid again to drive in the rain, even though I know I can do it. I thought I was over that. Last Friday, I drove home from my parents’ in the rain, but it was just a drizzle.

I think a big problem is that I don’t want to take an as-needed antianxiety pill before I drive. I was drinking Gatorade for the sugar before I drove several months ago, but now, guess what, I’m on a diet again. I’m even seeing a new dietitian.

A few minutes later: I’ve been sitting here reading over the paragraphs above, and it really isn’t “just” about driving, although that’s what I fixate on most. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. I’m trying to keep up with driving, I’m seeing a dietitian and giving up most of my comfort foods, and I’ve stopped seeing my therapist (I’m looking for a new one because my former therapist just wasn’t working out). Then there’s really loud construction going on in my building (overstimulation), and the list goes on.

But if I weren’t anxious about driving, it would solve so many of my problems! I used to love to go on long drives. Why not go out driving instead of sitting at home eating? Well, I shouldn’t characterize myself that way. I’m not just “sitting at home eating.” But, you get the idea. I could go out and do things! I could get away from the construction in the building!

At the same time, my driving phobia does stem from an overall more anxious thought process. I used to be on a medication called Clozaril. It was prescribed to me when I voluntarily went to the Emergency Room and then the psychiatric ward for suicidal thoughts in 2008. Clozaril is prescribed for suicidal thoughts and risks in people with schizophrenia. It worked really well at first, but then it caused me to have symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). My anxiety was at its all-time high during the OCD days. I went off Clozaril and did not experience as many OCD symptoms for years. Lately, however, I’ve been having “Clozaril thoughts.” These thoughts are characterized by thinking that something bad did happen because it could happen. Labeling them Clozaril thoughts is a way of “defusing” them (like a bomb; defusing them takes away their power). I learned this skill in the IOP. I’m proud of myself for still using the skill over a year later.

Anyway, I just thought of something that could help with my driving: my favorite music I used to listen to on my long drives was bonus music from the Tori Amos album Under the Pink. I also liked to play her album Boys for Pele. I’ll try it–I will listen to that music again the next time I drive somewhere!

 

Tomorrow Will Be Better

 

Today, I:

Ate too many carbs

Drank too much diet lemonade (It’s five calories

A serving!)

Waited for the rain to end

(it never did)

Did not drive anywhere

(anywhere being the drug store)

Waited in shame

For the hours to go by

Waited in shame

To be graced with a poem

Waited in shame

For my period to come

Felt like a bad feminist

Because I had been glad I got married

Before I was 30

You know, the closest I come to listening to Bob Dylan

Is listening to Suzanne Vega and Leonard Cohen

You know, I want this to be about depression

But it’s really about apathy

About being plagued so much

I am forced to have no more fucks to give

And now the rain has stopped

But it’s too late

To drive to the drug store

My waiting is almost over

And I’m already back in my pink

Hello Kitty pajamas