I was making a lot of progress with my driving, but now I seem to have slipped back. Here’s what happened.
I haven’t lost so much ground that I am back to where I started when I was driving to the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). I’m pretty confident driving the 10 minutes to my parents’ house. But, for some reason, I’m afraid again to drive in the rain, even though I know I can do it. I thought I was over that. Last Friday, I drove home from my parents’ in the rain, but it was just a drizzle.
I think a big problem is that I don’t want to take an as-needed antianxiety pill before I drive. I was drinking Gatorade for the sugar before I drove several months ago, but now, guess what, I’m on a diet again. I’m even seeing a new dietitian.
A few minutes later: I’ve been sitting here reading over the paragraphs above, and it really isn’t “just” about driving, although that’s what I fixate on most. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. I’m trying to keep up with driving, I’m seeing a dietitian and giving up most of my comfort foods, and I’ve stopped seeing my therapist (I’m looking for a new one because my former therapist just wasn’t working out). Then there’s really loud construction going on in my building (overstimulation), and the list goes on.
But if I weren’t anxious about driving, it would solve so many of my problems! I used to love to go on long drives. Why not go out driving instead of sitting at home eating? Well, I shouldn’t characterize myself that way. I’m not just “sitting at home eating.” But, you get the idea. I could go out and do things! I could get away from the construction in the building!
At the same time, my driving phobia does stem from an overall more anxious thought process. I used to be on a medication called Clozaril. It was prescribed to me when I voluntarily went to the Emergency Room and then the psychiatric ward for suicidal thoughts in 2008. Clozaril is prescribed for suicidal thoughts and risks in people with schizophrenia. It worked really well at first, but then it caused me to have symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). My anxiety was at its all-time high during the OCD days. I went off Clozaril and did not experience as many OCD symptoms for years. Lately, however, I’ve been having “Clozaril thoughts.” These thoughts are characterized by thinking that something bad did happen because it could happen. Labeling them Clozaril thoughts is a way of “defusing” them (like a bomb; defusing them takes away their power). I learned this skill in the IOP. I’m proud of myself for still using the skill over a year later.
Anyway, I just thought of something that could help with my driving: my favorite music I used to listen to on my long drives was bonus music from the Tori Amos album Under the Pink. I also liked to play her album Boys for Pele. I’ll try it–I will listen to that music again the next time I drive somewhere!
