26 Years

 

November 26 is the exact anniversary of my first psychotic episode in 1998 and that led to my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. The unofficial anniversary is Thanksgiving Day, which occurred on the 26^th of that year.

For some reason, I’ve been terrified this year that I would have a relapse of my psychotic symptoms, such as hearing voices, delusions, and acute mania. My husband, Tom, has assured me that I won’t. I’m writing this before November 26 and planning on publishing on that date.

Tom often asks why I keep track of unhappy events or situations. I keep track of these anniversaries as a way of owning them. My first psychotic episode changed my life forever. It cut me in two. And I was only 19 years old.

The fact that I had a psychotic break was perhaps unavoidable–symptoms were coming on for a while. But the break required more heroic treatment–I started taking a cocktail of medications that made me fat. I’m actually trying to lose weight right now, but my medication, particularly my antipsychotic, makes it an uphill battle. I’ve tried different antipsychotics that don’t cause weight gain, but they didn’t work very well, certainly not as well as the one I’m on now.

I also don’t want to change my medication because I recently stopped hearing voices–after a breakthrough interlude–and I don’t want them to come back. I stopped hearing them when my mood stabilizer was increased, but everything works together.

Other signs that continue to play out from that psychotic break include the fact that I have difficulty driving, difficulty showering (especially washing my hair), difficulty with personal hygiene in general… I could go on and on. I will tell you that I was proud of myself this morning when I brushed my teeth!

So, I was psychotic in 1998 all through the holidays, which are already a very manic time of year for me and many others. I wasn’t violent—I wasn’t even particularly disruptive, besides chain smoking. I was already in treatment for depression. Then the delusions seeped through. 

Sometimes my delusions were funny. Do you remember the paper clip man who used to show up on Word and say things like, “It looks like you’re writing a letter… can I help?” Well, he really freaked me out! I thought he was talking to me specifically!

My first psychotic episode seems like a lifetime ago. I’ve grown up so much. Getting married really made me grow up—and I got married 10 years after the break! I think if I had known when I first became psychotic that I would be married to my wonderful Tom in 10 years, I wouldn’t have been so scared.

To my fellow Tori Amos fans: if you’re wondering whether the title of this piece is inspired by her song “29 Years,” it is!

Mother Mary Helps with My Schizoaffective Disorder

 

Mother Mary is a very profound figure for me spiritually and mentally. “Look at Mother Mary” is even written down on my Safety Plan for when I’m feeling like hurting myself.

I was raised Catholic. But, for a while, I worshipped the Goddess. Then I felt that the Goddess wanted me to worship Her as Mother Mary, so I came back to the church. I really feel that Mary is the Christian incarnation of the Goddess figure of so many cultures.

Mary helps me with my mental illness because She fills me with peace. “Gentle woman, quiet light,” as one of the hymns to Her goes. Mary isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. When I worshipped the Goddess, at first I thought I wanted to be a fierce warrior manifestation of the divine feminine. But that turned out to be a poor role model for my mental health.

I don’t mean to dump on the sacred feminine and ritual magic. It really works for a lot of people, but, honestly, for me personally, it made my schizoaffective symptoms worse. Especially in that I started relying on a lot of magical thinking. Magical thinking is when you think an action completely unrelated to something else will cause that “something else” to happen. For example, you might wear a certain ring because you believe that ring will prevent rain. Using lucky charms is a form of magical thinking. Now, I know Catholicism can do the same thing for a lot of people. I used to wear my Immaculate Mary Medal for protection. Now I simply wear it because I love Mary. I don’t know why Catholicism works for me and goddess worship didn’t. Maybe it’s because I was a Solitary Shaman and I let everything get into my head too much. Maybe I should have sought out a group. But it’s more likely that Catholicism is just a better fit for me.

Mary is helping me a lot with accepting that Donald Trump is going to be President again. My sister even told me to “lean in to” Mother Mary. I’ve been wearing my Immaculate Mary Medal every day since he got elected, and I’ve been texting my family pictures of Mary.

Looking back on it, it seems silly, but in 2016 I said a rosary every day so that Trump wouldn’t get elected. Talk about magical thinking! It didn’t work but it brought me peace.

I have been feeling a lot healthier since I cut out the magical thinking. I think being in the Intensive Outpatient Program(IOP) helped with that. I am not a shaman, and I am not a psychic. I simply happen to be religious, and I love Mother Mary.

1994

 

Glittering amidst her rhinestones she walks blindly
The rafters support her
The rats weave their tails for her and the winter sun is her halo
Even when
The night presses in at the windows

1994 and the night reigned like terror
There was no moon to speak of
No one to watch her
riding shotgun
All the way to her deathbed
Her bed made with candy cigarettes
Dimestore tiaras and lies
While night pressed in at the windows
Her eyes were the windows to her blood