Post- New Year Blahs

I get these really bad. Hardcore. The technical term is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

To break it down, basically, there is less sunlight in the winter months. Exposure to sunlight gives you Vitamin D, which makes you happy. On top of having SAD, I also have a Vitamin D deficiency, and I'm supposed to take vitamin D tablets but I don't because I'm on so many other pills as it is, it's a pain in the ass to also have to take those, which I know isn't a good reason. But what I do that's good is I sit by a light therapy lamp for 5 minutes in the morning, and I do breathing exercises for my anxiety while I do this. My brother got me a Brian Eno CD for Christmas to play during this ritual, but I haven't heard it yet because I don't do it every morning.

Also, I live in Chicago, where it's perpetually gray from December through March. I mean, there must be SOME sunlight because during the day you can see shit in a way that you can't at night, but it's a pretty pathetic excuse for daylight.

I usually don't really use the light therapy lamp until winter because a GOOD thing about Chicago is that in autumn the light is beautiful, so even though the days are starting to get shorter if I get up before 5 pm (which I often don't) I can get my sunlight from taking a walk in the sunshine.

Things I accomplished this year

-- first and foremost, I QUIT SMOKING!!!! YAY!!!

Wow. That's so major I don't think I even need to list anything else.

Pictures 1, 2, and 3: Have you met my parents' cat George?

Picture 4: Picture of pictures I took of my Grandpa when I was in high school... before my art got corrupted by art school, ha ha. My Grandpa was a REAL working class hero... (no offense to John Lennon, but he was raised middle class and he was a millionaire when he wrote that song). When I was little I asked my grandpa what causes war and he took a $5 bill out of his pocket and said, "This. This is what causes war." Nuff said. By the way, he was a pacifist before it was trendy... decades and decades before it was trendy.

Picture 5: Me doing what I do~~~~~

I have some pretty badass pics of myself but I get a kick out of using the framed poster of the Starship Enterprise as my profile pic. Just so no one's confused about whether or not I'm a dork. (And I was calling myself a dork before the whole "adorkable" thing, thank you very much, Zooey Deschanel...)

I'm back on facebook

Here's my latest status update:

Heard about the shooting in Oregon... just wanted to make sure all my Oregon friends are OK... of course in the media coverage, they're throwing around the term "mental illness" as though having a mental illness automatically makes you a killer... fact: much more people with mental illness are the VICTIMS of violent crimes than the perpetrators... I have schizo-affective disorder and I'm pretty much a pacifist

Forever Young and Silent

My life is not mine
I belong to fragments of a smashed mirror
I belong to a million broken images of myself watching me
seven years of bad luck

seven bad years of constant surveillance
I spy on myself
I won't let myself be
I don't hate myself because that would be too easy
I have an obsession with self-help and self-improvement
and restoring the parts of myself that died with my friends

One friend had killed himself while our kitchen was being redone
After I got the phone call, I told my family what had happened over microwave-cooked cheese omelettes

after the wake, after the funeral, after the burial, after I'd read the suicide note, after the kitchen was done, after winter turned into spring and then summer, I'd sit in that kitchen at 3 in the morning watching Cold Case Files
lovely young brunette women disappearing on warm summer nights in the early 1980s or late 1970s in California
their bodies found half naked on the side of the road
I was too hyped up on Abilify to eat
I weighed 100 lbs

That summer
the summer of Cold Case Files
is sticky in my memory
sticky, ephemeral and hot
like a mirage on new black pavement on the highway

I want to fix myself
I want so, so much to be
right, and correct, and beautiful, and true
and to have nothing wrong with me
I want to have that without taking pills
but if I don't take my pills, I might end up like my friend
beautiful, but disappearing into the warm, sticky summer night recesses of my darkest thoughts
and being forever frozen in time, that turns into the past, as a frozen gray memory, a faded photograph

forever young
and silent

soundtrack to the movie of my life

note: these are in no particular order

Schizophrenia-- Sonic Youth

Spark-- Tori Amos

Isobel-- Bjork

Pennyroyal Tea-- Nirvana

Keep On Livin'-- Le Tigre

Little Wonder-- David Bowie

Birdhouse In Your Soul-- They Might Be Giants

And She Was-- Talking Heads

Crush With Eyeliner-- REM

Tomorrow, Wendy-- Concrete Blonde

In God's Country-- U2

World Falls-- Indigo Girls

Buildings and Bridges-- Ani Difranco

Whatever Remains-- Rose Polenzani

Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman

Paint It, Black-- Rolling Stones

Possession-- Sarah McLachlan

Driving-- PJ Harvey

Imagine-- John Lennon

Over the Rainbow-- Judy Garland

Wayfaring Stranger-- Johnny Cash

Hurt-- Nine Inch Nails

Requiem Mass-- Mozart

Let My People Go-- Diamanda Galas

Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes

Kids In America-- Kim Wilde

Every Day Is a Winding Road-- Sheryl Crow

Sullen Girl-- Fiona Apple

Joan of Arc-- Leonard Cohen

Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs

Stars-- Lisa Germano

Soulus-- Loop Guru

Thru the Eyes of Ruby-- Smashing Pumpkins

These Are Days-- 10,000 Maniacs

Saturday Afternoon (Won't You Try)-- Jefferson Airplane

Pissing In a River-- Patti Smith

At Last-- Etta James

The Swimmer-- Sleater-Kinney

Mr. Gallos-- Cat Power

I Wanna Be Adored-- The Stone Roses

America-- Simon and Garfunkel

Pretty On the Inside/ Clouds-- Hole

Butterfly-- Verve

Last Days of Magic-- The Kills

Jesus-- Velvet Underground

Atom Heart Mother Suite-- Pink Floyd

The Way It Goes-- Gillian Welch

Good Morning, Captain-- Slint

Tomorrow Never Knows-- Beatles

Madonna of the Wasps-- Robyn Hitchcock

O-U-T Spells "Out"