for my sister

Shake What Ya Got

Shake What Ya Got

This is a really cool radio broadcast by my good friend, Katie Klocksin. Since it's her broadcast, I'm hoping she won't mind me using her full name. If you've ever felt like you can't be a dancer because you're not a size 2, you should listen to this broadcast... as a former serious ballet student who has taken one African dance class in my life (what? I get to stick my butt out and stomp my feet on the ground like I'm at a party?) I was particularly inspired by this broadcast to sign up for another dance class soon. But enough of my blathering, listen to the broadcast!

Anna's CD mix

songs by Tori Amos:

In the Springtime of His VooDoo
Blues Skies (Radio Edit) -- BT featuring
Famous Blue Raincoat (Live) (this is, of course, a cover of the, well, famous song by Leonard Cohen)
Glory of the 80s
Big Wheel
Give
Welcome to England
Snow Angel

songs by Eddie Vedder

Into the Wild soundtrack
Longing to Belong

yes, I still make CD mixes. And I prefer my discman to an iPod. I'm serious.

I'm Still Here, Part 2

As my new poem says, I'm still here. This post's first paragraph foreshadowed that I would freak out and close the blog for awhile. I need to be clear about to whom I send a direct link to this blog. There's nothing blatantly offensive on it, at least I don't think so, but I can see how certain others might. So it'll be the internet's best kept secret. :)

Not only have a started smoking again, I've been chain smoking. Hopefully it's just holiday stress. (Yeah, right.)

The days have been cold and gray and woven through with bare black tree branches. That's my attempt at being a poet for the day.

I'm Still Here

the darkness is everything we want but shouldn't
have, or shouldn't do
magical darkness
shape-shifts trees and bushes in the bluish-silver moonlight,
it's like you're on drugs
but you're not

darkness is my voice of silence
I have spent the past several years silencing myself
for no good reason
other than the fact that I live in a glass house
check that:
a glass coffin
because this isn't living
I'm not really sure what's holding me back
I'm not really sure if when I look back on times I didn't feel held back, I was too wild
too weird
alienating others

being a woman can hold you back, if you let it
we say things are better now, we say we live in a "post-feminist" era...
but I'm still afraid to ride the train at night for fear I'll get raped
and then get blamed for it because I was riding the train late at night
I'm still afraid I'll alienate people every time I open my mouth

there are more insidious things

like people asking my husband and I when we're going to have a baby and then become hostile when we say we don't want children

I'm sure that someone, somewhere, once told me it’s all in my head, that if I just take it like a man and pick myself up by my boot straps I won’t feel held back
that I’m so lazy I can’t even admit I’m lazy and that I'm holding myself back because I’m lazy and chicken-shit

even though I don't remember who said it, they're in my head, their faces running like masks of wet gray sand, telling me my feelings aren’t real

but they are
and I know I'm not lazy

I know because

I fight
I fight every day
and I'm still here
most of the fight, these days,
is still being here
and I am

I just sent everyone on my email list a Happy New Year email right after I decided to post a link to this blog in my email signature, so now of course I'm worried something in here might offend someone. But I think I can honestly say I've worked very hard to not post anything here that would hurt a reasonable person's feelings, so that's all I can really say.

I totally bonded with my mom through retail therapy today. We went to Carsons and I don't have any fancy clothes... whenever I go to buy something pretty I always buy something hippie-ish... so I bought two off-white blouses... one for Christmas, one for New Year's. The thing is, what with them being clearance items and my mom and I being armed with coupons, these blouses that at first had been priced at about $60 apiece ended up setting me back about $21 together.

Well, anyway, here's the pic I sent in the email... it's the season's first snowfall as seen through my window.

This is the picture I really wanted to use

but I didn't want the email to be religious, because my friends are all over the place when it comes to that kind of thing (which I think is really cool!)

So, now I will leave you with the dark, weird artsy pictures from the creche shoot. Enjoy!

Night in Door County

THIS IS IN MOONLIGHT [I wrote this really big over a whole page of my diary on a magical night, outside, with only moonlight to see by]


Moonlight so silvery bright and unmarred by city lights you could see by it
Stars bright of course too
I really got why people would worship the cycles of the moon and have reverence for darkness, because while the sun shines everything is brightly illuminated but at night the moon is the one brightest thing, and its light is silvery and casts everything in a mystical and half-real glow, so barely there that nature seems to shape-shift




MY ENGAGEMENT RING AS THE CYCLES OF THE MOON

Diamonds flanking sapphire = waxing or waning moon
Sapphire is full moon (as in “once in a blue moon”) dark moon [“everybody knows you can conjure anything by the dark of the moon” –Tori Amos] ocean “my heart is black as the blackest ocean” –Tori [it’s a very dark sapphire, which I love]




SAPPHIRE = SKY

--link between cycles of moon and tides of ocean [and a woman’s menstrual cycle]


darkness and light are of the same creature, like an eye that burns light blue and then dark [that’s what my sapphire does], like a sea black at night but radiant with the blue sky’s reflection in the day

[writing on bracelet mom bought me, The Serenity Prayer]:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”

Lighting a Candle

Who are you?
(the light, the light, the light)

in church:
"Who are you?"

"I am not the Christ.
I am Mary, luminous and weightless."

"Who are you, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I am the voice crying out in the dark desert.
Reaching out, I saw a light
piercing through me, lifting me up in and through its folds
until I could hardly stand it
and that's how I knew it to be God
by this overpowering light I saw the spiral of life
and then, somehow, I knew myself
to be a creature of this light

"I am the Mother of all
Maybe who I am is in the scriptures

"Who am I?
Once I thought I was merely God's handmaid
He hid my relentless power within the folds of my heart
to be illuminated by the relentless light that is my own soul
that is everyone's soul

"I am my heart
I am my heart

the light, the light, the light"

Village

Green

...and after all that, I have nothing to say.
I felt the lights turn green on my eyelids
Rendering me The Wicked Witch of the West
there is a tapeworm in my labyrinth
that is what I have to give
give
give
give

response to a post on John Lennon web board

I went to art school for both undergrad and grad school... and I am a Catholic. I got ridiculed and made fun of for being Christian, especially by atheists who considered themselves to be really open-minded. One of my friends calls this art school type of  mentality against religion "being so open-minded you're closed-minded." I think people should believe what they want, but I think atheists need to realize (and some of them do) that NOT believing in a Higher Power takes just as much of a leap of faith as believing. There are so many things other than the existence of God that can't be explained rationally or quantified... for example, falling in love, or the artistic impulse.

I would posit that as you are correct that we shouldn't label all atheists as "bad" based on my experiences at art school (which, by the way, I'm sorry if that is how I came across) not all Christians should be blamed for wrong done in the name of Christianity. I see myself as someone who understands the church as flawed, and is working to change it, for example by being a member of groups like Catholics For a Free Choice (ie pro-choice Catholics) and the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, don't blame me and my relationship with God for the Spanish Inquisition, ya know? Here is one of my favorite quotes: "I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. They are not at all like Christ." Gandhi said that, and I couldn't agree more. Here's another quote: "Women are not better than men, just less corrupted by power." I think that could apply here, too. 

John Lennon web board

my attempt at being Oprah

in answer to the question: do you think marriages where there's a big age difference can work out?
I have been happily married for almost two years now to a man who is three years older than me. So I don't know about age difference, but I do know a thing or two about love: it kicks you flat on your ass and makes you do things and say things you never thought you would, and the whole thing often comes as a big surprise. True love challenges you. True love makes you challenge yourself. It makes you surprise yourself.  I guess, as related to the question about significant age difference is concerned, you don't really know what's what until you find yourself in the situation. There's no book or no amount of feminist theory that can prepare you for it. Because here's the thing about falling in love when it's real: it's the most natural thing in the world, but it's also a big leap of faith.

When I was Born

Do you remember the hippies from the late '80s and pre-grunge '90s? Even though those were my tween years, I was one of them. We snubbed our noses at Paula Abdul, The New Kids On the Block, and listened to the Beatles, the Stones, and Janis Joplin. But now, for some reason, whenever I hear '80s U2 or '80s Edie Brickell I think of what it was like to be a hippie in those years. In an odd way, it was really liberating: it was like, I don't have to follow all these lame trends because I should've been alive in the '60's, I'm just displaced, an alien, and proud of it.
Now, I mentioned I was a tween. I was not a member of my generation who did drugs and had sex before high school. I was simply a remarkably free-spirited (if only I could get that back), dreamy, artistic budding adolescent who liked to wear her mom's clothes from college. It was a pretty sweet deal: how many budding adolescent girls do you know who are free-spirited? If I had been into punk, I probably would've been a riot grrrl, because I was a feminist, but I didn't get into punk and thusly riot grrrl until kind of after the fact.
When I was a hippie tween, I was the only hippie I knew or was friends with. My friends were mostly quite preppy. I was confident that in high school, I'd find people exactly like me. When that didn't happen, I thought it would happen in college. That didn't happen either. Oh, of course I met hippies. But I've found over the years that I just don't fit in with crowds. I deeply cherish my few close friends as well as my many and diverse not-so-close friends, even though I don't have a crew of people who all dress, act, and think the same way I do. I never have had a crew like that, and to tell you the truth I don't think I want one. Does anyone have a group like that, outside of bad teenage movies? You can answer that-- it's a real question.
Right now I'm feeling pretty damn near content. I know it's because of my husband. We're both two square pegs who found each other. It was a hard pill to swallow when I found out there wasn't going to be that magical place filled with people "just like me," and maybe I was naive for thinking that would happen in the first place, but once I accepted it-- with the help of real friendships not based on what music we listen to or where we buy clothes or even what books we read-- a whole new world opened for me. You could say it was then that I was born.

pictures I took with my Holga camera a few winters ago

soundtrack to 2011

Very early this year, I posted a what was at the time the soundtrack to 2011 so far. So now, it's December, and here's the complete soundtrack to 2011:


Small Blue Thing-- Suzanne Vega
Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman
Black Hole Sun-- Soundgarden (if you follow the above link and scroll down, you'l find the awesome video for this song.)
Landslide-- Fleetwood Mac
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
Dirty Girls (Pop Version)-- Courtney Love 
Text Message Breakup-- Kelly  (it's an inside joke between T and I)
Map of the World-- Monsters of Folk
You Oughtta Know-- Alanis Morissette
the theme song to "Scrubs"
the theme song to "Family Guy"
something from the Bible: "And, yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me".... I know it's not officially a song, but if someone read it out loud it could be spoken word, which is sort of like music. I know it's a stretch, but even if I don't have the exact words right that passage has gotten me through a lot of tough times.
Where the Streets Have No Name-- U2
Be OK-- Ingrid Michaelson
The Way I Am-- Ingrid Michaelson (it reminds me of me and T)
Folsom Prison Blues-- Johnny Cash
Shattering Sea-- Tori Amos
Job's Coffin-- Tori Amos
Crucify-- Tori Amos
Letter to God-- Courtney Love
Jesus-- Velvet Underground
Sappy-- Nirvana
People Are Still Having Sex-- LaTour
Anyone Else But You-- The Moldy Peaches
Mrs. Butterworth (Rehearsal)-- Nirvana
Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
What I'd Say Parts 1 & 2-- Ray Charles
Don't Stop Believin'-- Journey
Past the Mission-- Tori Amos
Suede-- Tori Amos ("everybody knows you can conjure anything by the dark of the moon")
Baby Got Back-- Sir Mix-A-Lot
Don't You (Forget About Me)-- Simple Minds
Fidelity-- Regina Spektor
Mr. Sandman-- The Puppini Sisters
Greenback Dollar-- The Kingston Trio
Hurt-- Johnny Cash
Walk Hard--John C. Reilly
Fortunate Son-- Creedence Clearwater Revival
another prayer/possible spoken word piece: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Bookends Theme-- Simon and Garfunkel
Hungry Eyes-- Eric Carmen
(I've Had) The Time of My Life-- Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
I Got You Babe-- Sonny and Cher
Fallin' and Flyin'-- Jeff Bridges
Wandering Kind-- Laura Veirs "the sun's been known to shine on our wandering kind"
To the Country-- Laura Veirs "I'm gonna move to the country so I can see the stars"
Sun is King-- Laura Veirs
Pennyroyal Tea-- Nirvana
Shine a Light-- Rolling Stones
Let it Be-- The Beatles ("Mother Mary comes to me..." I know Paul McCartney was talking about his own dead mother who was named Mary, but he said he didn't mind if people interpreted it as Mary the Mother of God)
The Man Comes Around-- Johnny Cash
Paint It, Black-- The Rolling Stones
Sparks-- The Who
God Bless the Child-- Billie Holiday
Unchained Melody-- Righteous Brothers
the theme song to "Two and a Half Men"
Your Racist Friend-- They Might Be Giants
Bound-- Suzanne Vega 
Cherry Bomb-- Runaways
song at beginning credits of "Thank You for Smoking"
Snowblind-- Tori Amos "How do you free your mind so that you're not confined by our concept of what we call Time?"
Pull A U-- The Kills
Black Balloon-- The Kills
I Won't Back Down-- Johnny Cash

more Turkey Day fun

Ugly as Sin

twisted and grotesque
ugly as sin
miserable as the day is long
and, believe me, Sister, it is long

but sometimes She fills me through with Her light
Her light that is like wings made of panes of glass and late afternoon sun
never mind the long shadows

I have known such ecstasy
I should never forget that
but I do
I do forget it, I mean

I am the color of leaves on the trees illuminated by street lamps in summer
I am the color of an ocean that thinks it is the sky
I am the color of sapphires and diamonds
and of the scratched steel of dented dog tags
dented like so many mess hall or mental institution soup spoons
but I still wear them
because I'm not done fighting yet

I am the color of the light in November
yellow and brief and swirling with tinsel
and as the snow falls through the thin yet palpable sunlight, I realize
I am not ugly as sin
the world is not ugly as sin
She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...

and then, I feel nothing
and then, I am buried


She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...
that I needn't let my past mistakes bury me
that I'm not dead

She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...
that She is me
that She is inside me
that She lives within me
that She is me
She is everything beautiful, alive, and light

as am I
even at my ugliest
because sometimes that's where the fight takes me
and the fight is probably the most beautiful thing of all

Turkey Day