It Stands For Knife For the Rest of My Life*

* the title of this post is a lyric from the song "Doll Parts" by Hole

unedited rant

I'm so, so very sick of worrying about whether I'll offend someone. Of course, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but that's different. I feel like I'm people-pleasing my way through life, from the fact that I shave my legs to to the fact that the only people I'm totally honest with are my therapist, my mom, and my paper diary. See, there. Now I want to delete that last sentence because I'm afraid it'll offend somebody. This people-pleasing fear of offending people rears its ugly head the most online. Yeah, yeah, I know we're supposed to watch what we say online, but there are some things I'd really like to write about here but I'm afraid I'll offend someone. Take, for example the fact that 3 of my good friends died between the years of 2001-2004. Two of the deaths were suicides. I feel like I don't have a right to write about it because I wasn't their sister or mother or whatever. Mr. 2001 would  have turned 32 on April 19. Of the three friends of mine who died, I was the closest to him. In the fall of 1999, when we both happened to be in the Chicago area, we were pretty much inseparable.The next death, in 2003, the first suicide, was the death of a close family friend who was like a cousin to me. I mean, I used to babysit for him when he was little, and he taught me how to play the theme song to The Godfather on the violin. Also, back in the day I used to smoke pot (now I only drink and smoke cigarettes) and one of the times I smoked up was after I'd bought an eighth from him and we were just chilling and kind of bonding a little over being high together, and then this other time a bunch of us crawled up this ant-infested hill to smoke up on the train tracks and later we were at a restaurant and he took off his shirt because he was sure there were ants crawling all over his shirt and a waiter came by and told him he had to put his shirt back on and Mr. 2003 yelled, "HELL, no! I'm not putting that thing back on!" And then he proceeded to throw his shirt on the floor and start stomping on it. It was hilarious. Ah, good times, good times.

So. Mr. 2004 killed himself in 2004. I was already pretty devastated over 2001 and 2003, but I was shocked to find I had the capacity to be even more devastated when Mr. 2004 killed himself within months of Mr. 2003. (I know these are lame-ass nicknames.) It was awful. I had terrible, gruesome, grisly nightmares. But the worst part was, I was all alone in my grief. Since Mr. 2001 and Mr. 2003 were family friends, I had my family and their families to grieve with. But I have never felt so alone in my life as when I was dealing with Mr. 2004's suicide, after all the friends who had come in from out of town for the wake and funeral had gone back to their respective states. And as everyone who has experienced the death of a loved one knows, it really sinks in after the funeral. It was so bad. I would call my friends up because I needed to talk, and then when they picked up I had no idea what to say. How were they supposed to know why I was calling? I would just be like, "Um, hey, what's up...?" instead of saying, "I really need to talk about Mr. 2004." And they had lives, which I did not at the time, because I was taking a year off from grad school as a result of emotional trauma about Mr. 2003's death. That fall, I got a job at Borders and I dated a guy for a little while, so things started to feel better. I dated two guys one right after the other right after Mr. 2004's death (one of them I'd started dating just before the death) but I was in no position to have a good relationship with anyone right then... I had a lot of "me work" to do, as they say. I did date someone that summer, and was bummed when that didn't work out, but when my relationship with the guy I dated while I was working at Borders didn't work out, it didn't affect me as much because I had my job to keep me busy.

I can't imagine how horrible it would be to lose a son, a brother, a grandson, or a guy you're in a healthy, long-term relationship or marriage with (like I am blessed to have found with T), especially to suicide. Although, to me, these guys were "just" friends, the loss of them hurts something fierce still and I know it's worse for their families. But that doesn't discount the fact that they were my dear friends and I did love them, and I have a right to my grief. I'm sick of being made to feel I should just sweep that under the rug because they were "just" friends.

500 Years From Now

This is a list of things that when people 500 years from now will look back on the times we currently live in and the semi-recent past, they'll say, "WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THEM???"

--the fact that in most states, gay people can't marry
--George W. Bush's presidency
--the fact that pot is illegal except when it is used for medical purposes
--cosmetic surgery/Botox
--reality TV
--the fact that we haven't yet had a woman president
--our culture's obsession with being thin
--chastity balls/chastity rings
--sporting a whale tail on purpose
--the sex advice in Cosmo
--denying climate change
--tattoos and body piercings (I can say this because I had a navel ring for a few years)
--Brazilian bikini waxes
--two girls, one cup
--infomercials
--Alf
--Girls Gone Wild
--the fact that cutting became trendy
--that fashion designer who said Barbie has fat ankles
--Tom Cruise
--Mel Gibson
--the fact that "Titanic" won an Oscar for Best Picture
--the fact that Princess Diana's death overshadowed Mother Teresa's
--smooth jazz
--the woman in Florida who got in a car accident because she was shaving her bikini line while she was driving
--shows like Jerry Springer and Cops
--Blackberries, iPhones, etc.
--cliches like "love means never having to say you're sorry" and "he's just not that into you" being people's love mantras
--the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
--New Age
--the Atkins diet
--Vanilla Ice
--Old Navy Commercials
--the McGangbang
--White Castle
--the use of the word "pimp"  that went on a lot in the previous decade... ie, "pimp my ride," "pimp my profile"
--housewives taking pole dancing classes
--Twitter

Dark Night of the Soul

substance to the shadows

In case you're wondering why the statues of Jesus and Mary have purple shrouds over them, it's because they're in mourning for Lent over Jesus' impending crucifixion. The technical definition of "Dark Night of the Soul" is what Jesus felt as He was dying on the cross, when He cried out, "Oh, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" Very religious people and saints, like Mother Teresa, are said to have experienced this same Dark Night of the Soul (in Mother Teresa's case, it's documented in her letters) -- a feeling of God having turned His back on them. Paradoxically, this experience makes them closer to Jesus in that they know what He went through on the cross. For them, as I believe in Mother Teresa's case, this Dark Night of the Soul can last for years. It has become a term, however, that people use to describe general desolation or despair that is not necessarily religious... although such depression can make one feel, that if there is a God, He has turned His back on them! Anyway, this is just my layperson's definition. If a priest, nun, theologian, or anyone who knows better is reading this and I am wrong, let me know :)

soundtrack to 2011... so far

Small Blue Thing--  Suzanne Vega
Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman
Black Hole Sun-- Soundgarden
Landslide-- Fleetwood Mac
I know this was on my last playlist, but I'll put it on this one, too...
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
(if I spend a morning smoking cigarettes and listening to a song on repeat, then it goes on that year's playlist, no questions asked. This scenario applies to "Bette Davis Eyes.")

And now, a special treat for you... for your viewing and listening pleasure, the David-Lynch-brand-of-macabre video for "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden! (This video does not fall under this site's copyright pertaining to original material.)








Here's a blog you should check out (as long as we're on a '90s kick): '90s Woman