Another Post About Insomnia

As some of you may know, I have really bad insomnia. a professor at one of the various art schools I've attended told me I was lucky to have insomnia because it meant I had a lot of time on my hands. I wanted to punch him.

It hasn't been so bad lately. I just have to be careful not to indulge in spending the whole day in bed. The best way to sleep at night is not to sleep during the day.

I was talking with T last night about how, as a high school student, I had been confused by what it meant to be a girl in a subculture. For one thing, whether you were a boy or a girl in a subculture, even if you weren't conforming to mainstream society, you were conforming to your particular subculture. (I never subscribed to any particular subculture. I hung out with the artists, the freaks, the nerds, the druggies, the riot grrrls, the fencers [even though I didn't fence], and the English teachers, to name a few.) But the fact that subscribing to a subculture is its own brand of conformity is common knowledge to any teenager with two brain cells. What interested-- and perplexed, and frustrated-- me was that these girls in the subcultures (besides the riot grrrls) who were supposedly flouting "the establishment" were still expected to conform to mainstream ideas about expressing their femininity. For example, they could have a blue mohawk, but they had better still be skinny, have big boobs, and shave their legs and armpits. Now I know it for what it is: subcultures that are defined by boys will not SUBvert sexism. It was true in the pre-women's lib '60's radical groups like the SDS and it's true now, or at least it was in the '90s.

Never Break

long-limbed
big red mouth
you're no ballerina in a jewelry box
no, not you
tiara askew
smeared eyeliner
fake lashes falling off
you live to mock the candy-coated strait-jacket of womanhood
that you will gloriously never break your bones trying to fit into
I can hear your soul
in my car stereo
"I always wanted to die, but you kept me here alive..."

Why are we still here, Courtney?
Maybe we never really wanted to die after all
Maybe what we really want is for all the electricity
all over the world to shut off
all the haters on the internet
all the loud and pompous TV personalities
all the top 40 hits
if they could just shut the hell off and shut the hell up
you and I could have some peace

peace doesn't come easy for people like us

you know what it's like
to be made of fire
you know what it's like
to burn and scream
you know what it's like
to be a girl
coming of age sexually at a time when sex could kill you
you know what it's like
to feel ugly and betrayed
you know what it's like
when all the great legendary men of rock'n'roll don't

I find peace
when I hear your voice
because you are made of fire
because you know what it's like
because you remind me I am brave and strong
and that no one
can break me


--this poem is dedicated to Courtney Love

This is a self-portrait taken on Halloween of 2009 when I dressed up as Courtney Love.

New Year's Resolutions

--I'm going to continue to smoke AT MOST a half a pack of cigarettes a day
--I'm going to continue to eat lots of vegetables, and introduce more fruit
--I'm going to start doing yoga
--I'm going to meditate and/or pray more
--I will go to church more
--I will continue to buy Dove whenever possible
--I will take more pictures, ESPECIALLY ON MY HOLGA!!!!
--I will read more poetry
--I will listen to Diamanda Galas more
--I will stop assuming that since I'm overweight I'm not beautiful
--I will take dance classes
--I will draw more
--I will get regular checkups at the dentist
--I will stop buying books (for now)
--I will learn to cook... I will start with something really, really simple and go from there
--I will write in my private, paper journal more