for my sister

Shake What Ya Got

Shake What Ya Got

This is a really cool radio broadcast by my good friend, Katie Klocksin. Since it's her broadcast, I'm hoping she won't mind me using her full name. If you've ever felt like you can't be a dancer because you're not a size 2, you should listen to this broadcast... as a former serious ballet student who has taken one African dance class in my life (what? I get to stick my butt out and stomp my feet on the ground like I'm at a party?) I was particularly inspired by this broadcast to sign up for another dance class soon. But enough of my blathering, listen to the broadcast!

Anna's CD mix

songs by Tori Amos:

In the Springtime of His VooDoo
Blues Skies (Radio Edit) -- BT featuring
Famous Blue Raincoat (Live) (this is, of course, a cover of the, well, famous song by Leonard Cohen)
Glory of the 80s
Big Wheel
Give
Welcome to England
Snow Angel

songs by Eddie Vedder

Into the Wild soundtrack
Longing to Belong

yes, I still make CD mixes. And I prefer my discman to an iPod. I'm serious.

I'm Still Here, Part 2

As my new poem says, I'm still here. This post's first paragraph foreshadowed that I would freak out and close the blog for awhile. I need to be clear about to whom I send a direct link to this blog. There's nothing blatantly offensive on it, at least I don't think so, but I can see how certain others might. So it'll be the internet's best kept secret. :)

Not only have a started smoking again, I've been chain smoking. Hopefully it's just holiday stress. (Yeah, right.)

The days have been cold and gray and woven through with bare black tree branches. That's my attempt at being a poet for the day.

I'm Still Here

the darkness is everything we want but shouldn't
have, or shouldn't do
magical darkness
shape-shifts trees and bushes in the bluish-silver moonlight,
it's like you're on drugs
but you're not

darkness is my voice of silence
I have spent the past several years silencing myself
for no good reason
other than the fact that I live in a glass house
check that:
a glass coffin
because this isn't living
I'm not really sure what's holding me back
I'm not really sure if when I look back on times I didn't feel held back, I was too wild
too weird
alienating others

being a woman can hold you back, if you let it
we say things are better now, we say we live in a "post-feminist" era...
but I'm still afraid to ride the train at night for fear I'll get raped
and then get blamed for it because I was riding the train late at night
I'm still afraid I'll alienate people every time I open my mouth

there are more insidious things

like people asking my husband and I when we're going to have a baby and then become hostile when we say we don't want children

I'm sure that someone, somewhere, once told me it’s all in my head, that if I just take it like a man and pick myself up by my boot straps I won’t feel held back
that I’m so lazy I can’t even admit I’m lazy and that I'm holding myself back because I’m lazy and chicken-shit

even though I don't remember who said it, they're in my head, their faces running like masks of wet gray sand, telling me my feelings aren’t real

but they are
and I know I'm not lazy

I know because

I fight
I fight every day
and I'm still here
most of the fight, these days,
is still being here
and I am

I just sent everyone on my email list a Happy New Year email right after I decided to post a link to this blog in my email signature, so now of course I'm worried something in here might offend someone. But I think I can honestly say I've worked very hard to not post anything here that would hurt a reasonable person's feelings, so that's all I can really say.

I totally bonded with my mom through retail therapy today. We went to Carsons and I don't have any fancy clothes... whenever I go to buy something pretty I always buy something hippie-ish... so I bought two off-white blouses... one for Christmas, one for New Year's. The thing is, what with them being clearance items and my mom and I being armed with coupons, these blouses that at first had been priced at about $60 apiece ended up setting me back about $21 together.

Well, anyway, here's the pic I sent in the email... it's the season's first snowfall as seen through my window.

This is the picture I really wanted to use

but I didn't want the email to be religious, because my friends are all over the place when it comes to that kind of thing (which I think is really cool!)

So, now I will leave you with the dark, weird artsy pictures from the creche shoot. Enjoy!

Night in Door County

THIS IS IN MOONLIGHT [I wrote this really big over a whole page of my diary on a magical night, outside, with only moonlight to see by]


Moonlight so silvery bright and unmarred by city lights you could see by it
Stars bright of course too
I really got why people would worship the cycles of the moon and have reverence for darkness, because while the sun shines everything is brightly illuminated but at night the moon is the one brightest thing, and its light is silvery and casts everything in a mystical and half-real glow, so barely there that nature seems to shape-shift




MY ENGAGEMENT RING AS THE CYCLES OF THE MOON

Diamonds flanking sapphire = waxing or waning moon
Sapphire is full moon (as in “once in a blue moon”) dark moon [“everybody knows you can conjure anything by the dark of the moon” –Tori Amos] ocean “my heart is black as the blackest ocean” –Tori [it’s a very dark sapphire, which I love]




SAPPHIRE = SKY

--link between cycles of moon and tides of ocean [and a woman’s menstrual cycle]


darkness and light are of the same creature, like an eye that burns light blue and then dark [that’s what my sapphire does], like a sea black at night but radiant with the blue sky’s reflection in the day

[writing on bracelet mom bought me, The Serenity Prayer]:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”

Lighting a Candle

Who are you?
(the light, the light, the light)

in church:
"Who are you?"

"I am not the Christ.
I am Mary, luminous and weightless."

"Who are you, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I am the voice crying out in the dark desert.
Reaching out, I saw a light
piercing through me, lifting me up in and through its folds
until I could hardly stand it
and that's how I knew it to be God
by this overpowering light I saw the spiral of life
and then, somehow, I knew myself
to be a creature of this light

"I am the Mother of all
Maybe who I am is in the scriptures

"Who am I?
Once I thought I was merely God's handmaid
He hid my relentless power within the folds of my heart
to be illuminated by the relentless light that is my own soul
that is everyone's soul

"I am my heart
I am my heart

the light, the light, the light"

Village

Green

...and after all that, I have nothing to say.
I felt the lights turn green on my eyelids
Rendering me The Wicked Witch of the West
there is a tapeworm in my labyrinth
that is what I have to give
give
give
give

response to a post on John Lennon web board

I went to art school for both undergrad and grad school... and I am a Catholic. I got ridiculed and made fun of for being Christian, especially by atheists who considered themselves to be really open-minded. One of my friends calls this art school type of  mentality against religion "being so open-minded you're closed-minded." I think people should believe what they want, but I think atheists need to realize (and some of them do) that NOT believing in a Higher Power takes just as much of a leap of faith as believing. There are so many things other than the existence of God that can't be explained rationally or quantified... for example, falling in love, or the artistic impulse.

I would posit that as you are correct that we shouldn't label all atheists as "bad" based on my experiences at art school (which, by the way, I'm sorry if that is how I came across) not all Christians should be blamed for wrong done in the name of Christianity. I see myself as someone who understands the church as flawed, and is working to change it, for example by being a member of groups like Catholics For a Free Choice (ie pro-choice Catholics) and the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, don't blame me and my relationship with God for the Spanish Inquisition, ya know? Here is one of my favorite quotes: "I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. They are not at all like Christ." Gandhi said that, and I couldn't agree more. Here's another quote: "Women are not better than men, just less corrupted by power." I think that could apply here, too. 

John Lennon web board

my attempt at being Oprah

in answer to the question: do you think marriages where there's a big age difference can work out?
I have been happily married for almost two years now to a man who is three years older than me. So I don't know about age difference, but I do know a thing or two about love: it kicks you flat on your ass and makes you do things and say things you never thought you would, and the whole thing often comes as a big surprise. True love challenges you. True love makes you challenge yourself. It makes you surprise yourself.  I guess, as related to the question about significant age difference is concerned, you don't really know what's what until you find yourself in the situation. There's no book or no amount of feminist theory that can prepare you for it. Because here's the thing about falling in love when it's real: it's the most natural thing in the world, but it's also a big leap of faith.

When I was Born

Do you remember the hippies from the late '80s and pre-grunge '90s? Even though those were my tween years, I was one of them. We snubbed our noses at Paula Abdul, The New Kids On the Block, and listened to the Beatles, the Stones, and Janis Joplin. But now, for some reason, whenever I hear '80s U2 or '80s Edie Brickell I think of what it was like to be a hippie in those years. In an odd way, it was really liberating: it was like, I don't have to follow all these lame trends because I should've been alive in the '60's, I'm just displaced, an alien, and proud of it.
Now, I mentioned I was a tween. I was not a member of my generation who did drugs and had sex before high school. I was simply a remarkably free-spirited (if only I could get that back), dreamy, artistic budding adolescent who liked to wear her mom's clothes from college. It was a pretty sweet deal: how many budding adolescent girls do you know who are free-spirited? If I had been into punk, I probably would've been a riot grrrl, because I was a feminist, but I didn't get into punk and thusly riot grrrl until kind of after the fact.
When I was a hippie tween, I was the only hippie I knew or was friends with. My friends were mostly quite preppy. I was confident that in high school, I'd find people exactly like me. When that didn't happen, I thought it would happen in college. That didn't happen either. Oh, of course I met hippies. But I've found over the years that I just don't fit in with crowds. I deeply cherish my few close friends as well as my many and diverse not-so-close friends, even though I don't have a crew of people who all dress, act, and think the same way I do. I never have had a crew like that, and to tell you the truth I don't think I want one. Does anyone have a group like that, outside of bad teenage movies? You can answer that-- it's a real question.
Right now I'm feeling pretty damn near content. I know it's because of my husband. We're both two square pegs who found each other. It was a hard pill to swallow when I found out there wasn't going to be that magical place filled with people "just like me," and maybe I was naive for thinking that would happen in the first place, but once I accepted it-- with the help of real friendships not based on what music we listen to or where we buy clothes or even what books we read-- a whole new world opened for me. You could say it was then that I was born.

pictures I took with my Holga camera a few winters ago

soundtrack to 2011

Very early this year, I posted a what was at the time the soundtrack to 2011 so far. So now, it's December, and here's the complete soundtrack to 2011:


Small Blue Thing-- Suzanne Vega
Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman
Black Hole Sun-- Soundgarden (if you follow the above link and scroll down, you'l find the awesome video for this song.)
Landslide-- Fleetwood Mac
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
Dirty Girls (Pop Version)-- Courtney Love 
Text Message Breakup-- Kelly  (it's an inside joke between T and I)
Map of the World-- Monsters of Folk
You Oughtta Know-- Alanis Morissette
the theme song to "Scrubs"
the theme song to "Family Guy"
something from the Bible: "And, yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me".... I know it's not officially a song, but if someone read it out loud it could be spoken word, which is sort of like music. I know it's a stretch, but even if I don't have the exact words right that passage has gotten me through a lot of tough times.
Where the Streets Have No Name-- U2
Be OK-- Ingrid Michaelson
The Way I Am-- Ingrid Michaelson (it reminds me of me and T)
Folsom Prison Blues-- Johnny Cash
Shattering Sea-- Tori Amos
Job's Coffin-- Tori Amos
Crucify-- Tori Amos
Letter to God-- Courtney Love
Jesus-- Velvet Underground
Sappy-- Nirvana
People Are Still Having Sex-- LaTour
Anyone Else But You-- The Moldy Peaches
Mrs. Butterworth (Rehearsal)-- Nirvana
Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
What I'd Say Parts 1 & 2-- Ray Charles
Don't Stop Believin'-- Journey
Past the Mission-- Tori Amos
Suede-- Tori Amos ("everybody knows you can conjure anything by the dark of the moon")
Baby Got Back-- Sir Mix-A-Lot
Don't You (Forget About Me)-- Simple Minds
Fidelity-- Regina Spektor
Mr. Sandman-- The Puppini Sisters
Greenback Dollar-- The Kingston Trio
Hurt-- Johnny Cash
Walk Hard--John C. Reilly
Fortunate Son-- Creedence Clearwater Revival
another prayer/possible spoken word piece: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Bookends Theme-- Simon and Garfunkel
Hungry Eyes-- Eric Carmen
(I've Had) The Time of My Life-- Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
I Got You Babe-- Sonny and Cher
Fallin' and Flyin'-- Jeff Bridges
Wandering Kind-- Laura Veirs "the sun's been known to shine on our wandering kind"
To the Country-- Laura Veirs "I'm gonna move to the country so I can see the stars"
Sun is King-- Laura Veirs
Pennyroyal Tea-- Nirvana
Shine a Light-- Rolling Stones
Let it Be-- The Beatles ("Mother Mary comes to me..." I know Paul McCartney was talking about his own dead mother who was named Mary, but he said he didn't mind if people interpreted it as Mary the Mother of God)
The Man Comes Around-- Johnny Cash
Paint It, Black-- The Rolling Stones
Sparks-- The Who
God Bless the Child-- Billie Holiday
Unchained Melody-- Righteous Brothers
the theme song to "Two and a Half Men"
Your Racist Friend-- They Might Be Giants
Bound-- Suzanne Vega 
Cherry Bomb-- Runaways
song at beginning credits of "Thank You for Smoking"
Snowblind-- Tori Amos "How do you free your mind so that you're not confined by our concept of what we call Time?"
Pull A U-- The Kills
Black Balloon-- The Kills
I Won't Back Down-- Johnny Cash

more Turkey Day fun

Ugly as Sin

twisted and grotesque
ugly as sin
miserable as the day is long
and, believe me, Sister, it is long

but sometimes She fills me through with Her light
Her light that is like wings made of panes of glass and late afternoon sun
never mind the long shadows

I have known such ecstasy
I should never forget that
but I do
I do forget it, I mean

I am the color of leaves on the trees illuminated by street lamps in summer
I am the color of an ocean that thinks it is the sky
I am the color of sapphires and diamonds
and of the scratched steel of dented dog tags
dented like so many mess hall or mental institution soup spoons
but I still wear them
because I'm not done fighting yet

I am the color of the light in November
yellow and brief and swirling with tinsel
and as the snow falls through the thin yet palpable sunlight, I realize
I am not ugly as sin
the world is not ugly as sin
She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...

and then, I feel nothing
and then, I am buried


She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...
that I needn't let my past mistakes bury me
that I'm not dead

She wants so desperately to tell me, to show me...
that She is me
that She is inside me
that She lives within me
that She is me
She is everything beautiful, alive, and light

as am I
even at my ugliest
because sometimes that's where the fight takes me
and the fight is probably the most beautiful thing of all

Turkey Day

Text Message Breakup

I am writing while listening to "Automatic for the People" by REM

Maybe I should listen to something new, like Lady Gaga. Or something new that I actually already own, like The Kills, Laura Veirs, the Moldy Peaches (well, relatively new) or Ingrid Michaelson. It's kind of sad when you catch yourself considering all music that's come out since after you were in high school "new."

But, speaking of music, Tori Amos recently came out with a breath-taking new album called "Night of Hunters." When I listen to it, I frequently toy with the idea that it's the best thing she's done since "Boys for Pele." I'm serious.

I just got off the phone with one of my friends who happens to be Muslim, and he says the reason many Muslim women wear a covering over their hair is to emulate the Christian Mother Mary, or at least they are following the same ancient Arabic tradition regarding female modesty that she was following (because she, as everyone knows, was Arabic, not Aryan. Duh! :P) In Islam, Jesus Christ is considered to be one of a very few great prophets the world has ever seen.

Okay, I probably shouldn't write what I'm about to write because I'll probably get in a lot of trouble, and I don't like trouble, but I won't respect myself if I don't get this out. So here goes:

I am a Roman Catholic Christian. During the Second Vatican Counsel, Pope John Paul II and others decided that each religion has its own glimpse of the divine, and that Jesus Christ is ours.

So if someone worships Allah, the Goddess, or Yahweh, they aren't going to Hell, because that's their glimpse of the divine.

A lot of Christians-- and Christianity-bashers-- conveniently overlook this. I went to Catholic grade school, and I didn't know about it until I was an adult and my church's pastor told me.

Jesus is a God of Love. He isn't chomping at the bit to send everyone to Hell. The Church teaches that there is only one God. To me, that means that Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, the Goddess, Buddha, etc. are all faces of an unfathomable being or energy. A nun friend I was recently speaking with says "all gods being one" is why Buddhist teachings are so similar to Jesus' teachings. Jesus and Buddha are the same. They are both faces of the same, one God. At any rate, "there is only one God" surely does not mean "we're right and the rest of you are wrong"? Do we have a petty, schoolyard bully God?

Also, if you think lesbian/gay/bi/transsexual (LGBT) people are going to Hell, think again: there's a Catholic church in my city where almost all of the congregation is gay, and the pastor who told me about each religion having their own glimpse of the divine recently complimented me on my "straight but not narrow" bumper sticker.(Okay, maybe the bumper sticker example is kind of lame, but I still think it gets my point across.)

Christians like to say that God is mysterious. Then why do so many of them claim to know everything about Him, to the point where everyone who doesn't agree with them about Him is going to burn in Hell for eternity after they die?

The Orange M'n'M

Oh, God, help me
stop me from disappearing
Oh, Lord, have mercy on me
don't let this thing
eat me alive

I dropped an orange M'n'M
off the top of the Empire State Building
and I think it landed on a guy's head
he was covered in chocolate

I ran downstairs
and through the doors of the Empire State Building
out into the street
and licked all the chocolate off of his body

and then we sat in his apartment and I fed him grapes until he agreed not to contact the authorities

or until I died
I can't remember which

this thing, this thing
with teeth like ivory blades and red foaming eyes of fear
is eating me alive
like I'm an orange M'n'M

I don't know anything
I want to be cool and controversial
but instead I am scared and secretive

"your silence will not protect you"
I think that my silence will protect me
I really think it will

because some things
are none of anybody's goddam business

pictures from Door County, August, 2011

Thumbs Up for Rock and Roll!

This is a video from YouTube.

Frances Bean Cobain is All Grown Up

Frances Bean Cobain
More Pictures of Frances Bean Cobain on Hedi Slimane's Diary

Dirty Girls (Pop Version) - Courtney Love

I'm posting this so I can listen to it whenever I want to, forever.

remember?

Music, Reading Material, and Movies for Door County

MOVIES
(this is the only time when my mom has time to sit down and watch movies)
I got my mom "clueless" to watch in Door County because it's cute and it's based on Jane Austen's Emma
Rosemary's Baby-- Roman Polanski is a genius. This movie is so eerie and so scary in a way that's built up with subtle layers and shifts in consciousness and reality without any cheesy special affects.  Mia Farrow is a genius, too... her performance was outstanding and really made the movie work.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (I thought my mom would appreciate the whole growing-up-ethnic-in-Chicago thing, even if she is 1/2 Italian instead of 100% Greek, plus my dad loves this movie)
Up! (my nephews think the old man in this movie looks like my dad)
I'm hoping one of my brothers will bring Rock'n'Roll Circus... I could use some good John Lennon/ Mick Jagger-flavored eye candy... but don't tell T! :)
my dad's bringing Kick-Ass and The Book of Eli. If I could be anything I wanted this Halloween, it would be Hit Girl
Finding Nemo... because we can't get enough of Disney/Pixar
Help!... it's a family classic. With Beatle eye candy. That's important.
Girl, Interrupted-- I love this book so much, and I was both really excited and a bit wary when I heard a movie was being made of it starring Winona Ryder. But she was great-- ever since I saw it I've had so much respect for her, and I appreciate her impulse to make a movie about mental illness (she produced it). I heard she wanted to make the movie because she'd been having panic attacks, and I know how awful those can be. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of a society we live in where so many people have panic attacks, huh?
My dad's also bringing Kill Bill 1 & 2 (my favorite Quentin Tarantino movie... or should I be pretentious and say film?) and Flight of the Valkyries, starring Hollywood's very own expert on psychiatry, Tom Cruise!


READING MATERIAL
The Bell Jar (I know, I know)
The Wisdom of Insecurity because I'm hoping it'll change my life. If it doesn't, I can't get my money back because it was a gift from Bugman, who is the one who told me it would change my life.
Last month's issue of Bust
This summer's issue of Bipolar Magazine

MUSIC
Lots of classical (Mozart's Requiem Mass, Bach, Beethoven, Scheherezade, Schubert), Johnny Cash, and Ray Charles for the car because it's the only music my dad and I can agree on and I DON'T  want to be listening to Jay and the Americans and Roy Orbison the whole way up
The White Album--  I used to listen to the Beatles pretty much all the time, especially the White Album (me and Charlie Manson, right? ;) and so therefore i listened to that album in Door County, and little bitty Bugman started calling "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" "The Door County Song," and now it's a family tradition to listen to it on the ride up to Door County
a mix CD a friend gave me that has the song "Map of the world" by "Monsters of Folk" --that song really means a lot to me right now and if I get the chance I want to play it for my brothers. It's pretty depressing... my favorite line is "the road that you paved over Indian graves and you wonder why your dreams are crazed"
--Wave by Patti Smith
I bought this album during Black Friday retail therapy with my sister last year, but just started getting into it now. Just in case I have a chance to listen to it...
PRETTY ON THE INSIDE BY HOLE
I first got into this album heavily, especially "Good Sister, Bad Sister," the summer of 1994, when I was 15, in Door County. (The hipster in me wishes to point out that this was BEFORE they got really popular with their fall of '94 album "Live Through This," although I'm sure I'm not the only person to have turned my interest to Courtney Love during the spring and summer after Kurt Cobain's suicide.) That was 17 years ago. It seems appropriate.
Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos... My all-time favorite album by anyone, whenever I go somewhere and bring music I bring this album. In fact, one time I couldn't find it and I freaked out so hardcore I went out and bought another copy. Well, I found my old copy, so now I have two! Also, my dad likes the song "Winter" and can appreciate that Tori is a masterful pianist. (By the way, I think I would have to say my all-time second-favorite album is Automatic For the People by REM. I know it doesn't make sense because REM isn't one of my top five favorite bands, but even though they're responsible for my 2nd favorite album, they don't fit the criteria for being one of my top five on facebook. For one thing, that's the only album by them that I ever listen to. For another, they don't fascinate me the way Tori, the Beatles and Hole do, and also I love pretty much everything Hole, Tori, the Beatles, the Kills (who also fascinate me), and Partners in Stars have ever done. Partners in Stars are my good friends, they haven't blown me off since they started getting successful, and in a manic fit I nastily called them a "goddam New York Electronica Band," but we were all able to laugh about it later to the point that they made the quote one of their posters. Go Partners in Stars, independent womyn and embodiment of feminism! Mad respect and I <3 you something fierce!
more music for Door County:
Otis Redding
Aretha Franklin
Diva by Annie Lennox (which I assume my dad will like since I "borrowed" it from him)
August by Rose Polenzani
Anonymous 4 singing Voices of Light: An Oratorio Inspired By the Film The Passion of Joan of Arc (this may be too goth for my dad, or he may really like it... I might already be pushing it by having Requiem Mass as my Mozart pick)


--this post was originally a note on facebook

KK's Playlist

Mookid-- Aphex Twin
Shining Road-- Cranes
One Hundred Years-- The Cure
Baby's Insane-- Diamanda Galas
Stepping Up to the Mic-- Internal/External featuring Kathleen Hanna
Don't Lose Yourself-- Laura Veirs
Lightning is My Girl-- Melissa Auf der Maur
Letter to God-- Hole
Shaved Pussy Poetry-- Huggy Bear
Working Class Hero-- John Lennon
Gloria-- Patti Smith
Polyester Bride-- Liz Phair
Anyone Else But You-- The Moldy Peaches
Shadowtime-- Siouxsie and the Banshees
Rich-- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Give-- Tori Amos
Everyday is a Winding Road-- Sheryl Crow
America-- Simon and Garfunkel

out of touch

It seems like I'm always sleeping when major historical events happen. Last night T woke me up to tell me Osama bin Laden was dead, on 9/11/01 I was sleeping when my mom called to tell me about the World Trade Center, I think I was taking a nap when my friend AS called to tell me about Kurt Cobain's suicide, and I was one year old when John Lennon was shot late at night so I was probably asleep then, too.

It Stands For Knife For the Rest of My Life*

* the title of this post is a lyric from the song "Doll Parts" by Hole

unedited rant

I'm so, so very sick of worrying about whether I'll offend someone. Of course, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but that's different. I feel like I'm people-pleasing my way through life, from the fact that I shave my legs to to the fact that the only people I'm totally honest with are my therapist, my mom, and my paper diary. See, there. Now I want to delete that last sentence because I'm afraid it'll offend somebody. This people-pleasing fear of offending people rears its ugly head the most online. Yeah, yeah, I know we're supposed to watch what we say online, but there are some things I'd really like to write about here but I'm afraid I'll offend someone. Take, for example the fact that 3 of my good friends died between the years of 2001-2004. Two of the deaths were suicides. I feel like I don't have a right to write about it because I wasn't their sister or mother or whatever. Mr. 2001 would  have turned 32 on April 19. Of the three friends of mine who died, I was the closest to him. In the fall of 1999, when we both happened to be in the Chicago area, we were pretty much inseparable.The next death, in 2003, the first suicide, was the death of a close family friend who was like a cousin to me. I mean, I used to babysit for him when he was little, and he taught me how to play the theme song to The Godfather on the violin. Also, back in the day I used to smoke pot (now I only drink and smoke cigarettes) and one of the times I smoked up was after I'd bought an eighth from him and we were just chilling and kind of bonding a little over being high together, and then this other time a bunch of us crawled up this ant-infested hill to smoke up on the train tracks and later we were at a restaurant and he took off his shirt because he was sure there were ants crawling all over his shirt and a waiter came by and told him he had to put his shirt back on and Mr. 2003 yelled, "HELL, no! I'm not putting that thing back on!" And then he proceeded to throw his shirt on the floor and start stomping on it. It was hilarious. Ah, good times, good times.

So. Mr. 2004 killed himself in 2004. I was already pretty devastated over 2001 and 2003, but I was shocked to find I had the capacity to be even more devastated when Mr. 2004 killed himself within months of Mr. 2003. (I know these are lame-ass nicknames.) It was awful. I had terrible, gruesome, grisly nightmares. But the worst part was, I was all alone in my grief. Since Mr. 2001 and Mr. 2003 were family friends, I had my family and their families to grieve with. But I have never felt so alone in my life as when I was dealing with Mr. 2004's suicide, after all the friends who had come in from out of town for the wake and funeral had gone back to their respective states. And as everyone who has experienced the death of a loved one knows, it really sinks in after the funeral. It was so bad. I would call my friends up because I needed to talk, and then when they picked up I had no idea what to say. How were they supposed to know why I was calling? I would just be like, "Um, hey, what's up...?" instead of saying, "I really need to talk about Mr. 2004." And they had lives, which I did not at the time, because I was taking a year off from grad school as a result of emotional trauma about Mr. 2003's death. That fall, I got a job at Borders and I dated a guy for a little while, so things started to feel better. I dated two guys one right after the other right after Mr. 2004's death (one of them I'd started dating just before the death) but I was in no position to have a good relationship with anyone right then... I had a lot of "me work" to do, as they say. I did date someone that summer, and was bummed when that didn't work out, but when my relationship with the guy I dated while I was working at Borders didn't work out, it didn't affect me as much because I had my job to keep me busy.

I can't imagine how horrible it would be to lose a son, a brother, a grandson, or a guy you're in a healthy, long-term relationship or marriage with (like I am blessed to have found with T), especially to suicide. Although, to me, these guys were "just" friends, the loss of them hurts something fierce still and I know it's worse for their families. But that doesn't discount the fact that they were my dear friends and I did love them, and I have a right to my grief. I'm sick of being made to feel I should just sweep that under the rug because they were "just" friends.

500 Years From Now

This is a list of things that when people 500 years from now will look back on the times we currently live in and the semi-recent past, they'll say, "WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THEM???"

--the fact that in most states, gay people can't marry
--George W. Bush's presidency
--the fact that pot is illegal except when it is used for medical purposes
--cosmetic surgery/Botox
--reality TV
--the fact that we haven't yet had a woman president
--our culture's obsession with being thin
--chastity balls/chastity rings
--sporting a whale tail on purpose
--the sex advice in Cosmo
--denying climate change
--tattoos and body piercings (I can say this because I had a navel ring for a few years)
--Brazilian bikini waxes
--two girls, one cup
--infomercials
--Alf
--Girls Gone Wild
--the fact that cutting became trendy
--that fashion designer who said Barbie has fat ankles
--Tom Cruise
--Mel Gibson
--the fact that "Titanic" won an Oscar for Best Picture
--the fact that Princess Diana's death overshadowed Mother Teresa's
--smooth jazz
--the woman in Florida who got in a car accident because she was shaving her bikini line while she was driving
--shows like Jerry Springer and Cops
--Blackberries, iPhones, etc.
--cliches like "love means never having to say you're sorry" and "he's just not that into you" being people's love mantras
--the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
--New Age
--the Atkins diet
--Vanilla Ice
--Old Navy Commercials
--the McGangbang
--White Castle
--the use of the word "pimp"  that went on a lot in the previous decade... ie, "pimp my ride," "pimp my profile"
--housewives taking pole dancing classes
--Twitter

Dark Night of the Soul

substance to the shadows

In case you're wondering why the statues of Jesus and Mary have purple shrouds over them, it's because they're in mourning for Lent over Jesus' impending crucifixion. The technical definition of "Dark Night of the Soul" is what Jesus felt as He was dying on the cross, when He cried out, "Oh, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" Very religious people and saints, like Mother Teresa, are said to have experienced this same Dark Night of the Soul (in Mother Teresa's case, it's documented in her letters) -- a feeling of God having turned His back on them. Paradoxically, this experience makes them closer to Jesus in that they know what He went through on the cross. For them, as I believe in Mother Teresa's case, this Dark Night of the Soul can last for years. It has become a term, however, that people use to describe general desolation or despair that is not necessarily religious... although such depression can make one feel, that if there is a God, He has turned His back on them! Anyway, this is just my layperson's definition. If a priest, nun, theologian, or anyone who knows better is reading this and I am wrong, let me know :)

soundtrack to 2011... so far

Small Blue Thing--  Suzanne Vega
Fast Car-- Tracy Chapman
Black Hole Sun-- Soundgarden
Landslide-- Fleetwood Mac
I know this was on my last playlist, but I'll put it on this one, too...
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
(if I spend a morning smoking cigarettes and listening to a song on repeat, then it goes on that year's playlist, no questions asked. This scenario applies to "Bette Davis Eyes.")

And now, a special treat for you... for your viewing and listening pleasure, the David-Lynch-brand-of-macabre video for "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden! (This video does not fall under this site's copyright pertaining to original material.)








Here's a blog you should check out (as long as we're on a '90s kick): '90s Woman

Modestly Yours

I just read an interesting article called Portman and Her Critics on a site called Modestly Yours. Not only is Portman getting crap from feminists for having said, when she received her Oscar for "Black Swan," that motherhood will be her greatest role, she's also getting crap for that statement from conservatives who say she's glorifying being an unwed mother! Here is a comment I left on the article:


"Like Shanna, I too am a feminist. I don't think there's anything wrong with being an unwed mother (when I was still on myspace I was friends with the group 'Single Mothers By Choice.') However, I am married, but my husband and I are choosing not to have children for a myriad of reasons, one of them being that I want to focus that energy into my work (I'm a photographer and a writer, and I just don't have that much energy to go around!)But even though I personally am CHOOSING not to have children to focus on my career, I have no problem with Natalie Portman saying her greatest role will be motherhood. That's HER CHOICE. Madonna has called her children her 'greatest work of art,' and Sally Mann once said in a lecture in response to her photographs of her children, 'You can say I'm a bad photographer. Sometimes I think I'm a bad photographer. But I KNOW I'm a good mother.' And if Madonna and Sally Mann are not strong women, then I don't know who is."

I wonder what people who frequent a site celebrating modesty will think of my giving Madonna as an example of a strong woman!

I would also like to add here that many women-- many feminists, often of the Goddess-worshipping variety-- see their ability to bear and nurture children as empowering, as an embodiment of life-giving creation that is theirs alone; a microcosm to the macrocosm of the Great Mother Creatrix of the Universe. I personally will take a pass on that, but if they find that empowering, then they have my full support and respect!

Soundtrack to my life... so far

DJ Trish requested more playlists, and I am delivering! The following is the soundtrack to my life... so far.

Disc One: "They said you were something in those formative years..." --Tori Amos

Like a Prayer-- Madonna
A Day in the Life-- The Beatles
Sweet Child O' Mine-- Guns'n'Roses
Heart-Shaped Box-- Nirvana (to view the video for this song, click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page)
Man On the Moon-- REM
Mr. Jones-- Counting Crows
Longview-- Green Day
Good Sister, Bad Sister-- Hole
Crush With Eyeliner-- REM
Stars-- Lisa Germano
Saturday Afternoon (Won't You Try)-- Jefferson Airplane
Ice Cream Phoenix-- Jefferson Airplane
Two Heads-- Jefferson Airplane
Buildings and Bridges-- Ani Difranco
To Bring You My Love-- PJ Harvey
Through the Eyes of Ruby-- Smashing Pumpkins
Hyperballad-- Bjork
Pissing in a River-- Patti Smith
Mr. Gallo-- Cat Power
Plants and Rags--  PJ Harvey
In Liverpool-- Suzanne Vega
Bette Davis Eyes-- Kim Carnes
Famous Blue Raincoat-- Leonard Cohen
Spark-- Tori Amos


 Disc Two: "...help me in my weakness, for I've fallen out of grace... Jesus, Jesus..." --Velvet Underground

Keep On Living!-- Le Tigre
Strange Fire-- Indigo Girls
Jesus Loves Me Like a Bird-- Rose Polenzani
Little Earthquakes-- Tori Amos (click here to donate to Tori Amos' favorite charity, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, (RAINN) which she co-founded)
Otherside-- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Tomorrow, Wendy-- Concrete Blonde
There Is a Light That Never Goes Out-- The Smiths
Where the Streets Have No Name-- U2
Wayfaring Stranger-- Johnny Cash
The Swimmer-- Sleater-Kinney
Let My People Go-- Diamanda Galas
Fire Snakes-- Laura Veirs
Gimme Shelter-- Rolling stones
Suddenly I See-- KT Tunstall
Lightning is My Girl-- Melissa Auf der Maur
When Under Ether-- PJ Harvey
Black Balloon-- The Kills
Letter to God-- Hole
Jesus-- Velvet Underground

T's Snow Angel

Noodles wants to see more pictures, and I am delivering!

pictures from my church's Women's Spirituality Retreat, 2011

sunrise on the drive down

the next few are just shots around the grounds of the retreat house

we helped make a quilt for someone in need

shrine in the center of our sacred circle

as we were leaving, I took this parting shot

Movies That Take Place in Chicago

As if this will ever happen, but T and I thought it might be fun to get some friends and alcohol together to watch a movie marathon of movies that take place in Chicago. Here's the list off the top of my head:

Blues Brothers
Home Alone
Ferris Buehler's Day Off
Breakfast Club
The Untouchables
The Princess Bride
The Matrix
Wayne's World
Wayne's World 2
High Fidelity
Stir of Echoes
The Fugitive
U.S. Marshalls
Chicago
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
The Sting

That's all I can think of right now, but it's a lot! (Good thing we don't live in New York!) Let me know what I'm leaving out.

Another Post About Insomnia

As some of you may know, I have really bad insomnia. a professor at one of the various art schools I've attended told me I was lucky to have insomnia because it meant I had a lot of time on my hands. I wanted to punch him.

It hasn't been so bad lately. I just have to be careful not to indulge in spending the whole day in bed. The best way to sleep at night is not to sleep during the day.

I was talking with T last night about how, as a high school student, I had been confused by what it meant to be a girl in a subculture. For one thing, whether you were a boy or a girl in a subculture, even if you weren't conforming to mainstream society, you were conforming to your particular subculture. (I never subscribed to any particular subculture. I hung out with the artists, the freaks, the nerds, the druggies, the riot grrrls, the fencers [even though I didn't fence], and the English teachers, to name a few.) But the fact that subscribing to a subculture is its own brand of conformity is common knowledge to any teenager with two brain cells. What interested-- and perplexed, and frustrated-- me was that these girls in the subcultures (besides the riot grrrls) who were supposedly flouting "the establishment" were still expected to conform to mainstream ideas about expressing their femininity. For example, they could have a blue mohawk, but they had better still be skinny, have big boobs, and shave their legs and armpits. Now I know it for what it is: subcultures that are defined by boys will not SUBvert sexism. It was true in the pre-women's lib '60's radical groups like the SDS and it's true now, or at least it was in the '90s.

Never Break

long-limbed
big red mouth
you're no ballerina in a jewelry box
no, not you
tiara askew
smeared eyeliner
fake lashes falling off
you live to mock the candy-coated strait-jacket of womanhood
that you will gloriously never break your bones trying to fit into
I can hear your soul
in my car stereo
"I always wanted to die, but you kept me here alive..."

Why are we still here, Courtney?
Maybe we never really wanted to die after all
Maybe what we really want is for all the electricity
all over the world to shut off
all the haters on the internet
all the loud and pompous TV personalities
all the top 40 hits
if they could just shut the hell off and shut the hell up
you and I could have some peace

peace doesn't come easy for people like us

you know what it's like
to be made of fire
you know what it's like
to burn and scream
you know what it's like
to be a girl
coming of age sexually at a time when sex could kill you
you know what it's like
to feel ugly and betrayed
you know what it's like
when all the great legendary men of rock'n'roll don't

I find peace
when I hear your voice
because you are made of fire
because you know what it's like
because you remind me I am brave and strong
and that no one
can break me


--this poem is dedicated to Courtney Love

This is a self-portrait taken on Halloween of 2009 when I dressed up as Courtney Love.

New Year's Resolutions

--I'm going to continue to smoke AT MOST a half a pack of cigarettes a day
--I'm going to continue to eat lots of vegetables, and introduce more fruit
--I'm going to start doing yoga
--I'm going to meditate and/or pray more
--I will go to church more
--I will continue to buy Dove whenever possible
--I will take more pictures, ESPECIALLY ON MY HOLGA!!!!
--I will read more poetry
--I will listen to Diamanda Galas more
--I will stop assuming that since I'm overweight I'm not beautiful
--I will take dance classes
--I will draw more
--I will get regular checkups at the dentist
--I will stop buying books (for now)
--I will learn to cook... I will start with something really, really simple and go from there
--I will write in my private, paper journal more