Pony, Iowa, 2005

This piece was part of my MFA thesis. It was taken in Amana, Iowa, where my grandpa and my great aunt grew up. I'm actually related to the guy who started the Amana refrigeration and appliance company! In this photograph, my great-grandma's house can be seen through the window of a neighbor's house.

Insomnia

I have really bad insomnia. So does my Great Aunt E. She says she just lies in bed all night when she can't sleep, but I can't do that. I watch bad TV (I'm talking Montel Williams' Living Well Healthmaster bad), go on the internet, and depending on how heavily I'm smoking cigarettes at the time I may chain smoke, just for something to do, but I know that only makes things worse. I think I'm going to light one now.

I marvel at and envy people who have a regular sleep pattern, especially if they go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. Since I work in the late afternoon and evening, my job is such that I can sleep all day, basically, and then go to work, but if you're not used to being awake during the day unless you have to be at work, getting things done and keeping appointments is a bitch.

Don't even mention sleeping pills. Been there, done that. I tried Lunesta, and  it didn't work. At first Ambien worked really well, but then it stopped working. Also, when it was still working, I wouldn't remember things that had happened or that I'd done or said about twenty minutes before I conked out. This is not an unusual side effect. I remember once I took it on a long flight, and I bought and ate a sandwich before I fell asleep and I barely remembered eating it and only remembered paying for it when I looked in my wallet and saw I had a $10 bill in there when I had boarded the plane with $20 in my wallet. That creeped me out, that I couldn't remember paying for something.

Staring at a TV or a computer monitor isn't great for insomnia, either. A lot of people say reading helps them get to sleep, but for me it just makes me sleep-y, but then when I turn off the light on my nightstand and actually try to go to sleep I'm wide awake again. My sister, my brother-in-law, my nephews and their dog are going to be arriving at my parents' house today at noon, and I really want to be there to greet them, but it may mean pulling an all-nighter. If I pull an all-nighter and stay up all day, I'll be sure of getting a good-- well, better-- night's sleep tomorrow night, which would be great because it's the night before Thanksgiving. I just hate going to work on no sleep, and I have work tomorrow night.

"Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette..."--The Beatles

Silver

how would you describe happiness?
is it like a candle in the dark

or the sun in a blue sky
gold ribbons
gold sweat
weaving through the trees and my hair
making all of life a brilliant tapestry

the candle is nervous
the candle has a bad attitude
always fretting over being blown out
by the wind that sighs gusts of alienation and brown leaves
dirty wet walls with profane graffiti separate us from each other

two realities
one world
black or blue

sometimes I see glimpses of light
outlining the shadows with silver

almost Thanksgiving...

I'm glad I walked to work today. It was 61 degrees out. It was probably the last warm-ish day we'll see in awhile. I'm also glad I decided to come in early, for two reasons: 1) it started pouring immediately after I got here, and 2) the daytime secretary had left early so my boss said I could sign myself in when I got here, so I got an extra half hour in and it isn't much but I can use the extra money. T (my husband) is going to pick me up on his way home from work and we're going to do some grocery shopping. I generally hate grocery shopping, but it has to be done. If I'm out of body wash or shaving cream or shampoo, though, I like shopping for that stuff.

T and I spent the whole weekend in bed. No, nothing that exciting-- I mean sleeping. But we did get Ethiopian food with K and I to celebrate I's birthday Saturday. I'd never had Ethiopian food before. It has the same kind of savory quality as South Asian food, but you eat it by dipping this kind of spongy bread into it. It was good.

My sister L, her husband C, their four sons whose first names all start with J, and their dog Daisy are all coming over for Thanksgiving from Michigan. They're getting here on Wednesday. L and I are going to indulge in retail therapy the late afternoon of Black Friday. She says she wants to hit up a book store, a clothing store's clearance racks, and that she wants to buy me something nice. Well, I can't argue with that! I think I might want her to get me nice lavender scented perfume because lavender is soothing.

I have to admit, this time of year stresses me out. I worry about whether people will like the gifts I give them, or whether I'm giving them something I got them last year, etc. But then I tell myself these gifts are for people I love and who love me, it's not some kind of bizarre contest to see who gets people the best gifts. Then I move on to worrying about something else. I'm a really big worrier.

work

I'm at work. I work at my church's office. I work nights. My dream is to teach photography at Lake Forest College, which is very nearby and not as intimidating as the schools I went to as a student: The Rhode Island School of Design, The School of the Art Institute of Chicago, Parsons The New School for Design, Columbia College Chicago. (I have a BFA from SAIC and an MFA from Columbia). Anyway, Lake Forest College has a basic darkroom techniques class I would like to someday teach. Most schools nowadays, if you're gonna teach photography, you have to be a wiz at Photoshop, so if I taught somewhere else that required that knowledge I'd probably have to take a couple digital imaging classes at Oakton (a nearby community college) because I get all confused about the layers and layer masks and everything like that. But my husband and I are pretty comfortable with the way things are now, so I'm not very motivated to change anything. Also, even though I know it's not some impressive career, I like working at the church. I've known my boss ever since I went to my church's Catholic grade school, through being both a teenager and an adult leader in the church's youth group which she runs, I got married at this church, and this church has just been such an important part of my life for decades and it feels like a safe place, it feels like family, and I feel good when I help someone arrange a wedding and I'm glad I can be there for them when they have to arrange a funeral. So, when all's said and done, I think I'm exactly where I need to be at this point in my life.

"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be" -- The Beatles